Living situation

[Upside Down Eagle]

Hey all,

I have a question about housing and living with other people while also having panic attacks.
I´ve lived here for about three years now, with episodes of being okay (less panic attacks) and episodes of not being okay (more panic attacks).

The walls are thin and the other tenants are bothered by my panic attacks, I tend to be vocal and sometimes I throw things (at the walls). They´ve reported feeling scared. I´ve talked about this with my landlord and we (my landlord and I) have explained the situation to the other tenants, and also told them in no circumstance would I hurt them.

If I were to hurt them, I would obviously already have done so (considering I have lived here for quite a while). However, they are still not ready to believe me, and now even if I am a little bit anxious, they report on it. For example, when I am tired and stressed, and I come home, I might shortly yell at something and calm down within five to ten minutes.

Personally I do not see the problem, other tenants also make noise (one of the complaints comes from a person who has a dog here at times, who barks, and which is against house rules). I understand them complaining when I have panic attacks that last for a good while or at night, they have all right to complain then.

But with the smaller nuisances, I don´t think that it merits complaining all the time. All it does is make me feel like I am the Big Horrible Nuisance and make me feel a lot worse, which in turn leads me to feeling that I suck, more panic attacks and self harm.

I´ll be going by a consultant this week to see what my rights are. I was wondering if you have dealt with this situation, and if you know what I can do in this situation.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Bad behavior is never an excuse for PTSD. Your behavior isn't fair to the other tenants. If you feel anxiety or panic coming on, why not leave the house. Go for a walk and calm down.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Ok, that doesn´t help. I appreciate the advice, but there´s no way I can leave the house every single time I feel stressed. I´d be living outside. And as I said, other tenants have their own sounds and their own ways of breaking the rules.

 

[TravisK]

I agree with She Cat. It's not always easy, but you have to let your frustrations out in more positive ways than yelling or throwing things. I play music and paint. Some people exercise - others meditate. Try out some different coping strategies and see what works for you.

Well wishes.

 

[Nyssa]

It's possible your neighbor grew upset with you to the point pretty much any noise from you annoy them. It is quite common.

Some of their complaints could very well be unfair now. But the root of the problem seem to be in your loud panic attacks -- which you admit are a nuisance. If you could spare them those, the whole situation would probably improve.

 

[EveHarrington]

I kind of disagree with what's been said so far.

People getting upset because you yell at inanimate objects? Good god. They need to chill out.

I'd try to avoid throwing objects at the walls as it would bother me if others did the same, but if you're being vocal and it bothers them? Hell, I'm tempted to tell you to look the dog person square in the eyes and say "dogs aren't allowed....it would be a shame if someone reported your dog, wouldn't it?" .....with a snide tone in my voice. But hey, that's just me, something I'd do, and not actual advice I'm giving. Lol.

 

[gealach]

Are you in therapy? what other coping skills do you have?
For myself, I would also complain about a neighbour who is regularly yelling and throwing things... that's not typical background noise, that is violent and intrusive. I can't say that I know anyone who wouldn't complain in this situation.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Let me try again, I was a little abrupt yesterday :)

It´s my theory that people who have PTSD sometimes are overly apologetic. And by that I don´t mean that bad behavior is fine. However I do feel like I should distinguish between serious noise (like throwing stuff) and less serious noise, like me swearing for two moments.

Perhaps not everyone agrees with me there. I tried "hiding" from other people for a very long time. Living in isolation was not good for me. So what I do now is talk to people. I´ve been to several of my roommates in person, asking them to come over for a cup of coffee and talk things through. See what I could do for them.

We´ve talked and the situation is good, once I explain the situation to them, they understand very well. If the nuisance is severe (more than just being stressed for a moment), I try to tone it down, I call (emergency) people, and I take medication. I don´t believe however that just being stressed for a moment merits these measures.

My therapist and I discussed this today and she explained to me that these people are young, and that they are probably confused by the situation, and afraid of me because they´ve probably never dealt with this before. She said I´m the older one and that it would be wise for me not to be too annoyed and to go to them if they are feeling stressed by me.

I agree with that, basically what @Nyssa said.

So I think I agree a bit with everybody here and also with what @EveHarrington said. Sometimes I have some difficulty understanding where people are coming from, specially those who are younger and have less life experience.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Let me explain further too. Screaming and swearing and throwing things is not only a bad coping skill, it's also childish and unbecoming of an adult. Then you expect other people, because they are younger to accept this behavior??? It doesn't work that way in the real world. Everyone gets pissed off and has a hissy fit at times, ill grant you that, but to do this every time your stressed?!?!?! Isn't acceptable behavior and expecting others to put up with it, isn't fair.

I really think that you need to find a healthier copping mechanism which will allow you to vent in a health way, either by exercise, walking, going to a gym and punching the hell out of a punching bag, or find a way to deal with your stress in a quiet manner.. I have PTSD too, I'm almost 64 and I did that shit in my 20's but I've grown up now, and have learned to deal with stress in much quieter ways. I have neighbors too, and they have only heard me lose my temper once in over 3 yrs....

 

[EveHarrington]

It's her apartment.....

 

[Nessa7]

How do you feel about your coping methods? Do you have something that you do away from home, since you can't exactly throw things and yell in most public places?

I don't think your roommates are necessarily being unreasonable or immature for not liking it. I think your therapist has touched on one possible reason and a way to reach out, but I don't know that assuming your roommates have no experience with mental illness is the best way to understand them. That could explain why they complain when you yell or throw things, but they could just as easily have their own mental illness and your behavior increases their symptoms. Hearing someone yelling is not an uncommon cause for someone to remember a traumatic experience.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I still disagree on the swearing for a minute situation. If it passes within five minutes, yes I can understand that people get upset by it, but also me and my roommates are working through this situation together. As I said, I am not the only source of noise. Other people in this house also produce noise outside of the rules (with the dog just being an example).

Don´t get me wrong. I´m not saying "hey, they make noise, so it´s okay for me". I never said that. But mutual understanding is important in these situations, PTSD or no. There are so many adults out there who don´t have the right coping skills, PTSD or no PTSD. They have to make it work with their roommates too. Either they try to figure out some sort of solution, or they move out.

@Nessa7 I go for walks, go outside, work out, yoga, meditation. They are not a guarantee that will work 100% of the time. They work 75% of the time, which for me is pretty good - it´s a huge improvement on where I used to be. My therapist has helped me see that they are just scared by the situation and has helped me understand their point of view.