Supporter Living with a partner who has significant childhood trauma.

[harmonych86]

Hi all,
My partner of 3 years has significant childhood trauma, they also have have very busy family life wich needs alot of her emotional support.
My struggle is that they dont turn to me for there emotional support as its difficult for them to open up. 70% of our relationship is really good, but I am missing the emotional connection and physical. I understood there trauma before we entered the relationship and I thought they would just need time to start trusting but it is deeper than that, any physical touch or connection like that is a struggle for them and in time I thought it would become more as they start to trust. But I am missing being in a relationship that has that connection and I am struggling to manage this in my every day life. I have tried speaking to them about this but it turned ugly pretty quickly and I was in thr wrong for bringing there trauma to the surface, I do know they have started therapy so this is the first step to self healing for them. I do not want this relationship to end, I just need to know how to navigate everyday life with someone who is closed of emotionally and struggling with physical connection.

 

[Survivor3]

Do you live together?

You say that you don't want this relationship to end but it sounds like from your partners side it may already have ended. What do YOU get out of a relationship where there is no connection on a emotional or physical level?

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum!

I just need to know how to navigate everyday life with someone who is closed of emotionally and struggling with physical connection.

If they’ve only recently started therapy, brace yourself for a pretty unpredictable ride. Typically, with trauma therapy, it gets worse before it gets better.

In particular, they’ll potentially have a bit of a hair trigger with their ability to cope with stress - apparently coping fine, but seemingly minor and unpredictable things being enough to really throw their ability to stay emotionally regulated. Lot’s of patience is required!

In terms of their being emotionally distant, that’s most likely a protective mechanism. Not necessarily protecting them from you specifically, but protecting themselves from a world that their brain interprets as inherently unsafe. At the same time, their internal rules for their family may be very different to their normal for everyone else in the world, and that could take a very long time for them to work through.

You’re totally allowed to do you, and treat this like any other relationship. But, for someone with significant childhood trauma that they’re newly dealing with, their ability to be flexible enough to compromise and meet your needs and expectations is likely to be pretty low, potentially for a very long time.

Sorry that all sounds really negative - might as well give it to you straight, though.

 

[Survivor3]

I feel like I need to apologise for my previous post that it may have been a bit abrupt and lacking compassion. Sorry.