Loan shark

[pamcoco]

I pay them for the burden of me and they think the fee is well deserved.

Somehow I have created a dynamic where I am considered such a hard job that my debt in un-payable. They are always doing me “grand" favors and no matter how I try to even the score it is never equal.

For instance, I borrowed 5k from a friend that had it in savings. As interest gave her miles to get 4 round trip tickets to Hawaii and a Chanel handbag currently selling for over 2k online. Never once did she mention her families trip to Maui or her bag. I paid her in full over 3yrs. I can feel her resentment during conversations.

Something I wrote about early on in my posts here, on their way to a 6 month journey across Africa, my mother and step father tried to force me to sign over a large portion of my home and sign a power of attorney. They foresaw I would continue to be extremely costly to them and claimed they were so poor they couldn't pay the mortgage. When I refused they wouldn’t speak with me.

Here’s the thing, I know this debt is inside me mostly. Always, but exacerbated since the assaults, I feel worthless. The first several years of PTSD, I chanted to myself, “I f*cking hate you.”

Inside I have the angel on one shoulder and devil on the other, constantly in conflict. The part that can’t get my mind around the “why me” in my life (or the what kind of person would be brutalized by others to the degree I am) and the part that admires my tenacity, humility and creativity. I have never hated me with such awareness, nor known so fully my strengths.

How do I even the internal debt, the loan shark that beats me bloody?

 

[Cannottakethis]

You paid your friend back with a very generous interest. Is she resentful after all of that? The only way to know for sure is to ask.

You set strong boundaries with your family and they didn't like it. My opinion is "too bad" for them and "good for you" for standing up for yourself.

Do you have a therapist? I hear so much negative self talk and judgements about yourself in this post. A therapist might be able to help you work through this inner hatred and loan shark you have inside yourself.

 

[The Albatross]

2 solid things to pick apart here:
"I have never hated me with such awareness, nor known so fully my strengths.

How do I even the internal debt, the loan shark that beats me bloody?"

You are wise to see, "I know this debt is inside me mostly" and I think you're on to something about a sense of self worth. As Cannot says, you repaid generously.

For me though the "feeling" stuff, like you say resentment, is dicey at best. I trend not to go there and stick with the facts unless or until I am able to open the conversation and act on or accept what is shared.

Think too you're onto something about your sense of self worth.

 

[pamcoco]

Thank you both Cannot and The Albatross. Yes, I am working with a therapist and psychiatrist, but probably for multiple reasons my progress is slow. That self worth feels elusive.

It think boundaries, set with the family or friends, is something that has changed in me as well. I am reticent and this makes boundaries ineffective at best.

I shall carry on, healing. ;-)