Sufferer Long Lasting Physical/sexual Abuse

[Sing2me]

Hello,

Because of the anonymity of this forum I think this will be the first time that I've ever said (written) these words as a whole.

My dad suffered from PTSD as well, he was a marine vet. From as long as I can remember he had a violent temper and it became ingrained in me to never cry and to show no pain. Physical or emotional.

If me and my younger sibling got in trouble it could get very bad. I remember him picking my brother up by the belt on his school uniform and throwing him repeatedly. My brother was 6 at the time. Then one night my dad snuck in my room and "it" began.

I was 11. This went on until I was 16. I would be at school during class and suddenly feel so dirty. When these attacks happened, every night and any opportunity during the day, some were more violent then others. I was very defiant, would bite, claw, hit, kick.. And he'd become angrier. Once he whipped me with a horsewhip, another tried to drown me, and knocked me out more than once.

As time progressed I was the only one willing to stand up to him for my mom and brother. And I was the only one that could make him stop. At 12 I was my mothers protector.

Funny thing is we were the family all the other kids envied. Money, vacations, got what we wanted when we wanted it. And no one knew this dark secret. Even when my dad got arrested for trying to kill my mom (she dropped all charges they still live happily ever after).

My dad wasn't the only one either. My babysitter molested me when I was about 4 while having an affair with my dad. Yeah. There's a lot more to my story but this is the beginning and enough for now.

I was left with severe PTSD but my life is my own and will be what I make it. I struggle with a lot of things but these experiences gave me insight in to others. My own therapist hasn't received this much information and I've been with her for over a year.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi and welcome to the forum. It is nice to meet you. You are not alone. I am sad about what you have suffered and endured.

 

[Sing2me]

Thank you for the welcome darlin, but you don't have to feel sad for me. I appreciate your kindness.

 

[Smushroom]

Welcome to the forum :) I am sorry you have suffered so much, but am so very proud of you for taking this first step and breaking the silence! Well done!

 

[Sing2me]

Thank you:).

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome. :)

 

[Sing2me]

Thank you:)

 

[Shellbell]

Hi Cherokee,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum :)

I am sorry for all you endured and very glad you are having therapy.

It's another step to open up on here about things previously not disclosed.

I hope you find the forum as helpful and supportive as I do.

Shellbell

 

[KP the nut]

Hi Cherokee and welcome to the forum.

You did a great job with your introduction, be proud of yourself. I know it is a big step to take.

 

[Sing2me]

Thank you darling:). It is a relief to be able to say the truth without the normal "whiplash" it can bring. And that my story is simply another story, not out of the ordinary.

 

[Rumors]

Hello! Love the Fresian in your picture!

Very sorry you had such a terrible experience as a child. I am sad for you and I think it is ok for you to be sad for yourself. Keep the faith!

(())

 

[Sing2me]

Thank you. It is ok to be sad but it would be silly of me to stay there and pity myself. PTSD defines who you are on a certain level but I define the majority of myself. I chose to be the opposite of my dad although we were given the same traits, reasoning, and life experiences(other than combat). I am physically fit, can shoot accurately under pressure, and can fight, partly instinct, partly training. At 110 lbs I've tapped out men with 60lbs on me in jujitsu.

But even at my worst I choose not to inflict physical or verbal abuse on others. By others ( really only women) I tend to be written off as " dumb" (even though within minutes of being around them I have already processed their fears, how they think, what they're capable of, what is going on in their current lives ect..). I am consciously aware of this and leave it be. Because I am scared that if I ever let it get to me and unleashed my anger because of their ignorance and provoking attitudes I couldn't reign it back in.

Most of us(PTSD Sufferer's) either avoid our emotions all together or wallow in them and be consumed with self pity. To me it is weak and selfish to feel sorry for myself. Not because I wasn't allowed when I was a child but because I'm not being what is acceptable in my eyes. I don't push this on to others or expect it from them, but I expect it from me because in that state I am of no use to myself, or to the good of other people or animals; and have lost my ability to help them heal their pain.

I know this is long, partly because my thoughts were long and that is what I thought of, and partly because I am procrastinating going to my families for thanksgiving;).