Ejectionseatfixr-ESF
New Here
My memories are really fuzzy since I just started therapy, and apparently, its one of the symptoms of this disease- but I can remember the sting of the slaps across my face, so many that I had developed a "flinch" when kids would pretend to punch me, which turned into a cute little game for them. The mean ones anyway. I was once again being sent to bed without dinner several times by my fathers choice in a step mother for us- the searing hatred on her face would burn right through my downturned eyes of shame as she stared at me at the dinner table digging for another reason to slap me while Dad was in his usual spot-the living room drinking beer and watching football and acting as if we weren't even present in the same house. Even now at 52, it takes me right back to that 11 year old child sitting terrified of what was going to happen next. by this time, she- "Tina", my abuser, had successfully fabricated enough lies to get my sister thrown out of the house and into a foster home by my father at 14 and into a life of drugs, booze, prostitution and even more abuse from other men, something she must have been familiar with. I witnessed it happen from my prison- my room which I was sent to nearly daily for fabricated infractions by "Tina", so sister and I had- still have an unshakable bond. During those times, if we went to visit a family or friends, "Tina" would arrange a room to be set aside for me to stay in there, and return back to my room when we got home. The dinner table memories happened every Tuesday night- football night at that time. Its one of the more difficult memories I can tie a feeling to. That, and being forced to wear shoes one size too small so that my smaller two toes on both feet sit flat to the floor on the outward sides from being crammed into those shoes. Theyre still like that. We had all of the family dynamics of ACOA fame. My role: The lost child. My sister: The scapegoat. My older brother: The Hero. All of us are severely damaged and as I was life leave my fathers body April 28, 2013, I didn't cry at first, but when I did, it was an uncontrollable bitter cry. Iwent from Maryland to where he was in California knowing he was passing, to hopefully find closure, which didnt really happen as id hoped. He never apologized one single time in his life, even after multiple trips to his bedside for emphysema which was getting a lot worse. Nor did "Tina" even after their marriage. Nor did his current wife at the time who just used him for the free ride, but by that time, I didn't care anymore. I no longer had to. His choices were now his problem. My youngest daughter Sarah never met him one single time. Shes 20 now. My second to the youngest only met him when she was a baby, and that was the last time.
I cant talk too much about it all at once, its just hard. Im glad I finally asked for help and in turn, found this place. My AA, ALANON meetings and therapy are probably the reason Im still around to talk, if even just a little bit. I think Im finally going to be ok...
Im new at all this, so I figured id share something about me, and maybe get to know some of you guys.
I cant talk too much about it all at once, its just hard. Im glad I finally asked for help and in turn, found this place. My AA, ALANON meetings and therapy are probably the reason Im still around to talk, if even just a little bit. I think Im finally going to be ok...
Im new at all this, so I figured id share something about me, and maybe get to know some of you guys.
