What do you do when he just storms out and says he feels crazy and that i dont hear him or respect him? everytime I ask a question it gets twisted and i'm just trying to understand. When i sit quietly he says I'm not interested and when I ask questions he says I don't hear him. I am so lost.
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Lost
- Post starter mchrisoss
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EveHarrington
VIP Member
Is this a repeating pattern?
:hug:
:hug:
blackemerald1
VIP Member
Personally.. I don't do anything because I'm no longer interested in emotional gymnastics the like you have described. :sorry:
Has he got ptsd? Is he in therapy or getting treatment? What is he doing to manage his illness?
He is responsible for his own behaviour always.
What you should do is dependent on so many different factors there is no place to begin and I don't know either of you.
Do you have some support for yourself? Take care of yourself first.
Do you understand the concept of boundaries and how they may help?
I will say it seems you are responsible for so many things that he subsequently does in the relationship or when communicating with you. Are you really that powerful?
Is he being abusive? Verbal abuse and emotional abuse are never acceptable...
Friday
Sponsor
I ask myself if there’s any truth to it.
If there is I have the choice in front of me as to whether or not I want to change my behaviours.
If there isn’t I have the choice to ignore it, or call it out / pick a fight, or be done.
Truth to it?
- Am I asking the same questions over and over again because I don’t believe the answers (my own insecurities or suspect them of lying), or want different answers?
- Am I agreeing to drop a topic but keep returning to it in different ways?
- Am I saying I will do one thing, but do something else?
- Etc.
If there is I have the choice in front of me as to whether or not I want to change my behaviours.
If there isn’t I have the choice to ignore it, or call it out / pick a fight, or be done.
Truth to it?
- Am I asking the same questions over and over again because I don’t believe the answers (my own insecurities or suspect them of lying), or want different answers?
- Am I agreeing to drop a topic but keep returning to it in different ways?
- Am I saying I will do one thing, but do something else?
- Etc.
- Moderator
- #5
Sweetpea76
VIP Member
Sounds like he is symptomatic and lashing out. There is no right thing to do, because he’s the one who needs to check himself. Everything you do or say will probably set him off once he gets to that point. God knows it has nothing to do with the guy yelling, right?
I’m sorry... it sucks. You don’t have to stand there and be a target when he talks to you like that. Walk away. Don’t engage.
I’m sorry... it sucks. You don’t have to stand there and be a target when he talks to you like that. Walk away. Don’t engage.
Never_falter2
Diamond Member
I think it depends really much on what he was trying to tell you and without knowing that it is so hard to tell.
An example from our life’s:
A)If he is trying to tell me something not crazy and struggling to get the words out. I found the following thing helpful: I try to emphasize, for example Vet has a fear the his loved ones might die... when he talks about this I just let him talk but I show him that I hear him by telling him “that must be horrible to wake up feeling like this“. I also praise him for example telling him that I am so happy I have a husband who cares so much about us and feels so protective about us and I tell him how brave he is to talk about this and how brave he is to struggle with those feelings everyday and still cope... and then I tell him he does not need to worry cause we are safe.
My vet often does not likely to ask questions. I think that this is it is difficult for him to get the words out and he is already providing me with every info he can.
B) If his opinion is really crazy? Then I tell him that I hear his opinion but I do not agree on it, because, yep, it is crazy. Sorry to say but I happens to be the case and I do not want to lie about it... to give an example: Vet has a thing about washing his hands a lot and when he just washed his hands he sometimes thinks he hasn’t washed them well enough and is still full of germs... cannot touch the food of the children. In that case I tell him: I get exactly what you are trying to tell me... but... sorry... it is crazy. You can choose to spend the rest of your life washing your hands or you can do what every sane person would do - accept the fact that they are clean. Then he goes “But I need to wash them, for this and that reason“ and I tell him “Do what you think, but it is crazy“, then he goes “But you did not pay attention to what I just said“ and repeats his silly reasons for needing to wash his hands. Then I tell him “Do as you please, but I think it is crazy, you cannot convince me otherwise“ and I think that helps him realize some of the things he thinks are crazy. Actually he already knows but he sometimes needs a little reminder that he is thinking crazy things... btw his therapist does the same, she refuses to discuss certain things with him because he doesn’t want to hear the same arguments over and over again. She says: “We discusses this once, we discussed this twice. We will not discuss this a third time“. Vet says that it actually helps him if people have this attituade. Of course it depends on what your Vet said and how crazy it is and if he realizes it is crazy. Mine realize that washing your hands too much is crazy but sometimes he needs a little reminder.
You may say it is a bit harsh to call a guy crazy but I use this word and even harsher ones to make it hurt less for him. I tell him it is crazy, nuts, totally bonkers and often he can laugh about it.
You probably noticed: A and B belong together. It is really difficult to show them you value their feeling and you value them as a person but that it is still ptsd thinking what they have, you know what I mean?
An example from our life’s:
A)If he is trying to tell me something not crazy and struggling to get the words out. I found the following thing helpful: I try to emphasize, for example Vet has a fear the his loved ones might die... when he talks about this I just let him talk but I show him that I hear him by telling him “that must be horrible to wake up feeling like this“. I also praise him for example telling him that I am so happy I have a husband who cares so much about us and feels so protective about us and I tell him how brave he is to talk about this and how brave he is to struggle with those feelings everyday and still cope... and then I tell him he does not need to worry cause we are safe.
My vet often does not likely to ask questions. I think that this is it is difficult for him to get the words out and he is already providing me with every info he can.
B) If his opinion is really crazy? Then I tell him that I hear his opinion but I do not agree on it, because, yep, it is crazy. Sorry to say but I happens to be the case and I do not want to lie about it... to give an example: Vet has a thing about washing his hands a lot and when he just washed his hands he sometimes thinks he hasn’t washed them well enough and is still full of germs... cannot touch the food of the children. In that case I tell him: I get exactly what you are trying to tell me... but... sorry... it is crazy. You can choose to spend the rest of your life washing your hands or you can do what every sane person would do - accept the fact that they are clean. Then he goes “But I need to wash them, for this and that reason“ and I tell him “Do what you think, but it is crazy“, then he goes “But you did not pay attention to what I just said“ and repeats his silly reasons for needing to wash his hands. Then I tell him “Do as you please, but I think it is crazy, you cannot convince me otherwise“ and I think that helps him realize some of the things he thinks are crazy. Actually he already knows but he sometimes needs a little reminder that he is thinking crazy things... btw his therapist does the same, she refuses to discuss certain things with him because he doesn’t want to hear the same arguments over and over again. She says: “We discusses this once, we discussed this twice. We will not discuss this a third time“. Vet says that it actually helps him if people have this attituade. Of course it depends on what your Vet said and how crazy it is and if he realizes it is crazy. Mine realize that washing your hands too much is crazy but sometimes he needs a little reminder.
You may say it is a bit harsh to call a guy crazy but I use this word and even harsher ones to make it hurt less for him. I tell him it is crazy, nuts, totally bonkers and often he can laugh about it.
You probably noticed: A and B belong together. It is really difficult to show them you value their feeling and you value them as a person but that it is still ptsd thinking what they have, you know what I mean?
Never_falter2
Diamond Member
I just wanted to add that it might be helpful to reframe it for him... like telling him: “No, that’s not crazy, that’s lovely and protective you feel that way“ because it is better to see yourself as protective/watchful than as hypervigilant because you are a crazy guy with ptsd... but if he acts really crazy of course you have to tell him.
Well, I get that way sometimes, where I have to be alone. And I do have to get away from my husband and be by myself, to get my thinking straight. I too feel he doesn't hear me or understand me. And I do twist everything he says in my head. I am learning to tell him I'm feeling "crazy" (I have different words) it is seeming to help me to say it out loud, so if he is telling you he feels "crazy," I think that is good. I'm sorry you are going through that. And thank you for saying that you are just trying to understand. I never thought about that. Maybe that is what my husband is trying to do too :(
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