Making Myself Clear Without Hurting Another ( If Possible )

[maddog]

It's been really healthy for me in recent years to develop some friendships with guys who really don't want more. As another who tends to have more male friends than female, I think I have actually learned more about respect and boundaries from my male friends than many of my female ones.

Junebug's most recent post reminded me of a horrible incident I had not so long ago during which I was assaulted by a man who, almost as though imploring me to understand his actions, informed me prior to the assault that "I just love women, and I think about them all the time!"

When I recounted this to one of my male friends, he emphatically replied "hell, don't we all!! The difference is that most of us don't go around thinking we have a right to have every woman we meet."

For some reason that really stayed with me.

Maddog

 

[JustBe]

Wow...this thread is powerful. I'm beginning to feel anxious and fuzzyheaded...

 

[Springer80]

Hi Movin' On.....I've got another option!!!! Hang out with lovely gays instead!!!! I'm a bit of a Fag Hag and I love it. You get all the girly chat and none of the cat fighting or potential strife about the nasty. ;):roflmao::inlove:

 

[JustBe]

My best friend all through high school was gay. We lost touch and I miss him dearly.

 

[p-no]

Sent the e-mail just now (totally forgot during the day...). I'm glad I'm going away for five days. This way he can process some things and hopefully be able to come to a better way of treating me.

I'm a bit proud of myself for sending the message. "Of course", when I came home, I thought, oh well, why send a message, he'll stop eventually. Knocked that voice out and sent it. Good thing.

 

[p-no]

I hope I didn't offend you.

I do not feel offended. I just don't agree with what you are saying in that post, according to how I perceive it (still do).

 

[p-no]

After that have nothing further to do with him. Do not be nice.

Thanks, Gizmo. I liked the "This guy is bad news." :) See, he is part of the group I am responsible for admin-wise so I can not have nothing further to do with him. The "funny" thing is that I am not nice towards him. I am being polite. That is a difference. Usually whenever I see him I will put on a grumpy face just so he does not misinterpret my smile which I wear for 101 reasons, but not for him. That sucks, too, btw, "having to" suppress feeling good (or showing it) because he has a problem. (Side note: I know I don't have to, but since my boundaries are so weak, I have not found a better way yet.)

He has his own problems.

Yea, I think so too.

Men who cannot let go choose women who cannot say no.

This hit home with me when I quickly scanned the thread today at work. There is a lot of truth in this. Also to be found in another excellent resource: "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood.

 

[p-no]

Hi p-no, I'm glad you feel a little better. :tup:

Thank you, dear Junebug. I wish I could do something for you. :)

The men I've had as best friends did not all cross the line, so to speak, but we joke about stuff a lot. The difference is we are also very similar, in how we think and feel about things.

I see... See, that's the same for me as for many, it seems, who have replied here: I get along excellently with guys. I prefer men to women with regard to the joking, the seeing things a similar/the same way, etc. There are not very many women I could have friendships with. I have zero interest in talking about shoes, handbags and the night-out at the discoteque. :D I'm exaggerating, but basically this sums it up.

Conversely, I've had lots of experiences with the type you've described, often it's ended badly. Two stalkers, a third who threatened to kill me (only once- the first 'date'), and some close calls. Lots of them kept pestering me til it wore me down-literally. Went out with them to get them off my back, etc. Big mistake.

I'm sorry that has happened, Junebug. Such behaviour makes me so mad! I was threatened to be killed by a partner of my mother when I was a young teen... Never again have I felt that terrified. (((Junebug)))

I think, maybe for you it's similar... I just know that my main problem today is not having strong boundaries that stay in place no matter what happens around me. I still believe on some deep level that people will come to understand things if I just give them time and explain things... That won't happen, I know this now, but my behaviour is routine and getting rid of it is hard work. I wish for you to be safe now, Junebug.

Respecting someone means treating them respectfully.

I agree fully. It is indeed all about behaviour. I am only just learning this. Thanks to this forum and the people in it. :inlove:[/quote]

 

[Red Feather]

I do not feel offended. I just don't agree with what you are saying in that post, according to how I perceive it (still do).

Thanks for letting me know. I am trying to figure out why this subject is triggering for me. Maybe because of that spanish friend of mine. Sorry my brain is having problems with the subject. I think you are doing really well with it.

 

[Bubba]

Has anyone else here noticed a commonality? It seems that many of us PTSD gals have better friendships and get along with guys better than we do gals. I am the same way. I get a long with women, but I haven't ever been able to get the BFF type of friendship with a woman - well hell, actually with anyone. But I find it easier to hang out with men - especially if they aren't "wanting" anything more than just to talk. I've had some really great guy friends. Some of them were coworkers - some bosses. In fact my boss from 20 years ago and I still hang out and go to lunch every few months. I think of him like a big brother. And my current boss and I are getting pretty close as well. I'm his "sounding board" with ANYTHING work related. And I've gotten to know his girlfriend pretty well.

I just think it's interesting that a lot of us have the same gravitation towards males as friends. But it sure makes it difficult when one of them decides to take you being nice or just a simple good conversation as being more. Kinda makes putting yourself out there difficult.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Interesting observation, Bubba.

I've never had a BFF girly-girl type relationship. I do my hair, makeup, wear nice clothes...but have no desire to bond with another female over any of these. And I hate it when girls talk about their periods. Really, nobody cares!! (Now I know how guys feel!) I guess I just don't have the desire to bond with females over typical female things? I can hold my own in a room of 100 men, but surround me with a few women and I'm off running.

 

[2narcissa]

Hey, this is a big problem for me too, your thread has actually helped me understand something about myself too. I really feel like it is IMPOSSIBLE to be good friends with a work buddy or friend of the opposite sex the other is attracted to,men have this instinct that takes over.He is already "saying with love" oh I would run LOL.

Seriously, I think an e-mail message for your situation, you could say, "I think your sweet, but so you aren't confused, I'm not interested in having a relationship with you, and that you are working towards your goals, with no distraction's". That way he must respect your wish, if he is a friend sending love and all. Another good way is next time he does write or say something in front of other's that seem's inappropriate you can passively repeat his word's or action's aloud so everyone can hear, and say wow thank's for the flattery! This way your not really hurting him, but you are telling him in a nice way ~back off.

It's sucks but I work with many men, and no matter how you slice it , I think you kinda have to be short and abrupt, you can still have a certain grace about it, but he's a big boy , he will be alright.

He shouldn't be touching you when it make's you feel uncomfortable, next time he touches you maybe you can try this, step back with a warm smile, put your hand's to your side's or cross them, and give him a blank puzzled stare. Or if you catch him following you and you know he's supposed be be somewhere else , ask him..he will have to come up with something fast, then maybe it will be a good time to break the news.