Making Myself Clear Without Hurting Another ( If Possible )

[p-no]

Today I got confirmed what I thought I had noticed. A colleague of mine, who I thought wanted "more" than just a work relationship some time ago but then seemed to have gotten that I didn't (for a while) is back to wanting "more".

I was running around trying to get everyone to sign a list at work and he signed: "With love, Paolo (name changed)". I had to laugh because, I mean, would you sign a list everyone has to sign, an official work-related one like that. This way, everyone can see...

Bad news is: I only realized the whole thing today, one day later... I wonder why I never get stuff like that more easily and faster! He keeps running around where I am, touching me, smiling away, etc. The "touching" is not abusive, but I want it to stop. I mean, I want the whole thing to stop.

I know I can't change his feelings in that sense, but what should I do (like a day late!) with regard to this? It's not like we're friends or anything. All I am is polite with a little joke here and there (with everyone). Quite the opposite: Since I've been right there before, I keep away as much as possible, consciously sit somewhere else during a meeting, only allow myself to joke around him (= when he is there too), when others are present, etc. I do NOTHING to encourage him. I do throw hints at me not being interested, but he's oblivious.

What should I do? Write an e-mail? Sit down with him? I don't want to end up talking to him alone in a room (and neither outside). But I want him to stop his approaches.

I'd appreciate any comments as this is taking energy from me I need for other things (and want to use for other things).

Thank you.

 

[JustBe]

I think an email is the safer way to go;)

 

[Springer80]

I've kind of been in a situation like this before. I went on a weekend break with a group of people one of whom liked me. I told him categorically that I was going as a group of friends. Then over the weekend everyone proceeded to make jokes about the sleeping arrangements. There was no end of elbow nudging and winking. It ruined the holiday for me, I felt pressured, upset and disrespected. I fell out with him completely.

I think you should find a moment when its quiet but your not alone and go and talk to him. You'll both have to keep your voices low and I'll doubt he'll make a scene out of it. Show him the piece of paper, say you don't appreciate his flirting, especially as it's so open. Say you have an awful lot on your plate and being office gossip is upsetting when you feel strained. Tell him unfortunately you don't like him the way he likes you and if he continues all he will do is publicly embarrass the both of you and make you feel resentment because your being forced into potentially hurting his feelings and made to feel like a villain. So if he would like to remain on friendly terms, which you would too then could he please respect your wishes. Finally, I'd say this is how it's going to be because it's what you need it to be and if he genuinely likes you as a person then he wouldn't want to upset you, even if there is no opportunity for anything romantic.


Good Luck.:)

 

[Red Feather]

Prime-no is he spanish or latin american by any chance? I have a catalonian friend who would always be touching me, and I interpreted as if he wanted me. And it turned out he didn't. It was a cultural thing. Like he would always kiss both sides of the cheek when saying goodbye, or put his hand on my leg, or take my hands in his. He had done that to a lot of other girls here in Germany and they all thought he was into them. He also would say "Nadia amor" to me etc. He was just a guy that was real sensitive and liked to comfort others by touching them. It wasn't abusive either.

I ended up liking him back and then found out that he really liked someone else. But the friendship was still special for me, because it was the first time I could feel okay just by being friends with a guy and even if he would touch my hand or give me a massage, it was "okay" for me.

Just an added thought... If this guy at work doesn't get the message, then he should give up on his own accord. You can try to give him less than subtle signs... I've had some experience with that...Being really distant and avoiding small talk etc. If that doesn't work then... yeah, you could ask him what is he trying to get at? And then say no.

 

[Tinyflame]

Good luck p-no.

I always have had primarily men as best friends. However, almost without exception if I've been asked out and say no, or don't pursue a relationship farther, usually there is a backlash towards me.

I think with ptsd in particular we are more concerned with others' feelings than sometimes they are of ours, so we can put undue guilt on ourselves. But even we get to a limit, I know I practise avoidance which isn't the best alternative and likely not possible for you at work. Maybe others will have more practical ideas. ((((Hugs))))

Oh ya, and almost every time I've ended up out with a terrible experience, it's because I've gone against my gut because I didn't want to hurt the guy's feelings.

 

[p-no]

Thank you very much for all your comments and advice, thoughts and experiences.

Junebug, it has been like that for me to, having had men as (best) friends always. I have changed that though, for the reasons you mention: it always, every single time (but once when I was in my early 20s) ended in them wanting more. Some managed to stay friends without "more", some didn't and the friendships died.

You're so right, Junebug, about being overly concerned with others' feelings. I am too. I hope that continuing to work at it will effect more change. (((Junebug)))

Springer, I did think of talking to him because I always at first assume the other person is like me, meaning open to "criticism", willing to listen, think about what has been said and talk things over. Truth is though that I do not know him at all. The most we've talked was maybe four sentences back and forth on that boat trip in August (official event). I also realised that if I did it in person, I'd have no proof of that conversation having taken place. I want proof though. This is not going to happen again, or I am going to file an official complaint.

Sorry, Springer and Junebug, you had to go through the experiences you did with something like this...

Nadia, he is Spanish. That though does not give him the right to touch my shoulder and move his hand softly towards my other shoulder across my back... I hope it's needless to say that there was no problem with space or anything else. That one happened today and I got mad (progress!) and showed it which had him say: "I'm just joking." I do not know this person and he has to stay physically away for me. And if it were not abuse yet, I would let it happen by keeping my mouth shut and accepting his behaviour. Finally (!) I am getting this before I am getting into the spiral, and this time that's not going to happen.

Saying "it's a cultural thing" makes me feel as if you were (!) saying I should accept his behaviour because I should put myself in his shoes. I'll prefer to stay in my own for a change. And I don't care at all if he wants me or not. I do not want him.

So, I am going to send him an e-mail tomorrow making myself clear about the touching and "joking" (WTF?) and also clearly telling him I am zero interested.

I really very much appreciate each post, thank you! It's your posts and my listening to myself that have helped me to come to this decision and I feel good with it.

 

[Red Feather]

Sorry of course it's not okay. I didn't mean that it gave him any right. Not at all. I hope I didn't offend you.

 

[Bubba]

Hmmm... I've had this issue recently as well. A guy from my church who helped me move (the men's group came and moved me) - showed up at the horse rescue where I go and volunteer. Apparently he's on the board of directors. I remembered him as being a "nice guy" - so I said hi and talked to him a bit. After that - he started showing up at the rescue EVERY TIME I was there (he hadn't been there at all for the first two months) and followed me around like a puppy dog. I purposely didn't talk to him much as I was getting that "vibe". He gave me his phone number - I didn't call. He asked me to go out for coffee twice - I said no. Then at a rescue meeting, he asked me to go out for a drink - I said no. And yet - he continued to come and follow me.

It became very uncomfortable. I didn't want to hurt his feelings - but come on dude... get a clue!

I finally asked one of the ladies at the rescue what his issue is - she said that he felt guilty about something with my move. I told her I didn't need ANYONE to rescue ME. She said she would talk to him. The last few times I've been at the rescue, he has not shown up - I don't know if she talked to him or if he got a clue, because I missed a few of my regular days.

Anyhow - I had another guy from the church group that keeps texting me and wanting to go for coffee. I can read between the lines - he wants more.

It's so exhausting! I love my current long distance boyfriend. It's a relationship that's on MY terms. And he isn't pushy at all. He's exactly what I need.

So sorry you are going thru this! I am like you - I don't want to hurt people's feelings - but apparently some people can't take blatant hints.

I had a thought at one point of giving him a copy of that movie "He's Just Not That Into You" and telling him it works in reverse as well :).

 

[p-no]

Bubba, that sounds like not just one of my experiences with men... Incredible... Sorry, you had to go through this as well. I am glad that that lady listened (and maybe took action).

I thought about that movie, too. But I guess that would be too subtle also. Some just don't get it at all. What bothers me though is when they don't get it although you actually say: I am not interested!

Well, my t just replied to my "draft". It's going to be very clear, no more trying to clue him in.

It is a very good (yet totally new) feeling to catch this before getting into feeling uncomfortable and allowing someone to abuse me.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

There is a excellent book called The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker. It is and excellent resource. This guy is bad news. He needs to be told once by email, phone, or in person. After that have nothing further to do with him. Do not be nice. Do not worry about hurting his feelings.

This is becoming a real problem. Guys that refuse your no are red flags. Women tend to let them down nice, but it is a mixed message for this kind of guy. It only shows that he is persistent. He has his own problems.

I am sorry you are having these kinds of troubles. It is annoying. Men who cannot let go choose women who cannot say no. It shows the guy is troubled. You have to be so blunt. Then do not talk to him again. Each time you give in and talk to him, he wins. You want your freedom. I cannot stand men like this. Scary.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi p-no, I'm glad you feel a little better. :tup:

The men I've had as best friends did not all cross the line, so to speak, but we joke about stuff a lot. The difference is we are also very similar, in how we think and feel about things. But guys will say themselves that they're basically always thinking of sex, only difference being 'who' they 're thinking of having sex with can vary.

Conversely, I've had lots of experiences with the type you've described, often it's ended badly. Two stalkers, a third who threatened to kill me (only once- the first 'date'), and some close calls. Lots of them kept pestering me til it wore me down-literally. Went out with them to get them off my back, etc. Big mistake.

JMHO, but most men don't care about much other than sex, money and power/ prestige. Have to say I'm jaded, but most just want what they want, even if that includes you and you don't want them. Respecting someone means treating them respectfully. If they don't do that they're a phony.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Some guys just can't take a hint. Heck, some guys don't even get it when you smack them upside the head with it!

I'm the same way in that most of my good friends are guys. It's so easy to be friends with a guy....until they want more, and then yes, there is the usual backlash, which totally sucks. I have problems trusting and befriending females, so this is why I gravitate toward guys. I wish it wasn't this way, as guys always want more in the end, but for the time being, that's just how it is.