D
Deleted member 20280
As the thread title implies, there is another Laurie71 lurking in the shadows, waiting for an excuse to go on a self destructive rampage, and when he has historically reared his ugly head, he literally did just that with no regard for the innocent victims caught in his careening wake.
This time twelve months ago I had a great family, wife and five children with number six due in mid June. I had a thirty thousand pound a year career. Large house worth an extortionate amount of money I could not have foreseen how dramatically that idyllic life was to change, literally overnight.
I had always known I had issues because of CSA and other violent traumas as both a child and a young adult. I am what I consider to be a 'Bottler' in that I literally cram all my own emotions into the smallest of pop top bottles I have stored in my brain.
Every now and again over our 18 year marriage I would inadvertently knock the bottle and small amounts of my traumas would get spilt. I would hastily scoop what I could back up and try to fit it all back into that every decreasing space left in this very small bottle before too much became exposed. *every time I spilt a bit, my Mr Hyde got more encouraged and sought out the demon personality changing bottle*
I have classic C-PTSD almost to the point of being textbook. My therapist wanted to use me as a case study but I lost My Job. As My employers were paying his fee's we never got to do enough exposure therapy to make it a worthwhile study
I was beaten regularly by an elder sibling, raped by a neighbours son and much much more besides that. I compounded this as a naive young adult as I joined the Armed Forces as a medic in the Build up for the first Gulf War. Career ended very abruptly as I was hospitalised and in a wheelchair after a vicious assault that nearly snapped my spine between L-5 to L-7 - Damaged T-4 and left me with a hairline fracture to C-2. Left me with nasty internal Injuries as well. I have really struggled to deal with any of this particular part of my trauma as I cannot visualise my attacker at all. I can't see his face. I have only a vague recollection of being put in the air ambulance and being flown from Lincolnshire, RAF North Luffenham to RAF Ely in Cambridgeshire. I can process all of the sexual abuse, the rapes the beatings and much more as I can see faces and I can put names to those faces and deal with the memory trace that has been left behind.
The military PTSD side I just can't remember enough detail of, and it scares me when I try and process it as it brings out a side of me that even I would not want to get on the wrong side of, him 'Mr Hyde' *thankfully he has been soothed after ten months of aggressive therapy both as an 'in-patient and out-patient and also in huge self therapy both here on the forum and on the Internet*. I desperately want my life back as I have never quit anything in life and if there is the slightest hope that I can return to gainful employment and be permitted to see my children then that is all I need to keep me going. That was all I had when I was a kid, the smallest spark of hope, the faintest flicker of light in a dark pain filled life. That glint of hope kept me going all those years and I survived, I'm here alive and kicking as the phrase goes.
Actually I think I have made the decision to quit one thing in life, ever trying to hurt, cut or kill myself again, I'm clearly no good at it and have failed too many times.
Long thread cut down to size, when I finally managed very clumsily to knock the 'Memory Jar' as my Therapist refers to a sufferers container, the ones that many of us do what I did, and cram it all in the smallest of Jars on the shelf. I literally knocked it off the shelf hard enough to shatter it.
There was going to be no cramming it all back in and I went right off the edge. A stay in Intensive care, a critical, near fatal brain haemorrhage as a result of what I can only describe as the mother of booze binges I think anyone could have seen let alone drunk the amount I did that weekend. Death occurs when the blood alcohol levels reach 500 mmols per ml of blood - critical potentially life threatening levels of above 375 mmols will kill most heavy drinkers. I survived a level of 488 mmols per ml. So when I say I consider myself Lucky I believe just that, lucky to be alive with no lasting damage. Apart from aggressive symptoms when I dissociate or get triggered and literally flip out. ** all the bottled up aggression explodes and I become my very own 'Mr Hyde'. This as to prove to bee his most destructive rampage in 42 years. I lost control of him and there was no way that I, on my own was strong enough to physically pin him down this time. Three and a half months of 'Hyde's Time' followed.
Between us we took everyone that mattered and anyone who stumbled into our destructive path with us.
At the time I could not see that I was to blame for my marriage break-up, that it was my fault I alienated my own children by letting Hyde take over. I have worked for Law enforcement for the best part of my working life and here I was almost daily waking up in a stinking custody cell because I had yet again, let that damned bloke 'Hyde' get to the bottle and when ever 'He' got there before me trouble would always follow, each time worse that the preceding ones. We really were in self destruct mode this time, made worse by my Diagnosis, my hatred of the world for damaging me the way it did.
Direct result of this was I missed the birth of my youngest son Alexander, I hit the bottle every day from then on as I was devastated at not being safe enough to be there, (Social Services Ruling). (I had not only been present at all my other children's births, had to deliver my own daughter in 2009 as my wife suffers with 'Precipitate Labour', in lay-man's terms she literally 'spits them out' Hannah was born after only eight minutes and three contraction's no pushing and there I was with that moments old baby in my, arms waiting for an ambulance to arrive. I have not held Alexander since the day he was born, not seen any of them even for ten minutes since last August. The last arrest being the final back breaking straw. My camel quite literally broke in half under the strain of my downwards spiral into oblivion.
I was housed by the city council as I was effectively homeless and the councils in England deem a sufferer of PTSD as a 'vulnerable' adult. I fitted the criteria so they got me accommodation.... .... .... in a half way house for recovering alcoholics and drug addicts, pimps and ex criminals.... .... .... one who remembered me from my days in Her Majesties Prison Service and who clearly held a huge grudge.
That was to prove to be the last time 'Hyde' has reared his gnarly face and destructive temper. I actually thank him for it because he probably saved my life. I now have a huge scar approx 3 inches long to the rear of my head after the assault but old man 'Hyde' came to my defence one last time. I really do hope I never need to let him out of his bag again. He seems to get stronger every time he sees daylight!
Why is this thread under the 'Anxiety - Panic Attacks' forum, very simple because my wife has now filed for divorce. I will not contest it. I did act in an unreasonable manner when I was drunk and 'Hyde' was having his 'fun'time. I will not excuse my behaviour or his come to that.
I have been expecting this day for several months and yes it upset me when the email arrived and the formal arrangements for the kids arrived. That was a week ago now and I have come to terms with it. What made me flip yesterday was the letter I had NOT been expecting. The one from the Driver and Vehicle Licencing Agency revoking my unblemished drivers licence. I have no convictions and have never had any, not even a ticket for speeding, nor come to that a parking fine.
Why did I feel as if 'He' would be making an unwelcome visit. I have been signed off sick from working for the last eight months after coming out of the psychiatric unit. Deemed fit to leave by three psychiatrists. Deemed safe by the CPN to walk the street again. I have had no relapses or any problems with either the Alcohol or 'Hyde' since I really started to engage in on-line research. I have not had to worry those months that he would escape as he and I have a deal. I get better, get the help and treatment I need to deal with my traumas and really work at it, no more excuses like the past 2 decades. No more trying to cram any of the bits back in the new bottle in my memory bank (had to replace the original as it smashed into many little tiny pieces :) )
I had been approached by a good mate who owns and runs his own taxi firm. We grew up together and after nearly 24 years he remembered me and we got chatting. He made me the offer of a lifetime, shares in the firm. My own taxi an open door back to gainful employment and not just a way for me to earn enough to live properly, but I would also be able to pay well over the odds in maintenance for my kids. After all I am there dad and that is one thing that will never change I was there when they were conceived and I will pay for whatever I have to. I only pay the bare minimum at the moment out of my benefits because I am on the lowest benefit there is in the UK. I do not get any enhanced benefits because the Legion let me down.
Having lost all but my driving licence as a direct result of PTSD it was a massive blow and the hardest kick in the proverbial's I think I have suffered yet. To have that glint of light, that tiny bit of hope blossom into a beautiful Orchid of expectation suddenly and so catastrophically be ripped apart in front of my eyes hid hard.
Yes, he was right there, raging at the gate to his cage, rattling the bars louder than I have ever heard, the noise has deafened me for the last two days. I have struggled to sleep and desperately wanted to take a piece of my own advice which I have shared with many users on this forum. Simply this. To make sure I come here, to this forum and connect with the 'cyber-community' that is 'myptsd'. To come to a forum that I have experienced in the last ten months personally to be a great place that literally calms me down faster than any of my other grounding techniques.
Last evening, about ten-thirty. We were sat in our room, me and 'HIM'.
Me jittery as heck, scared and upset to the point of almost tears, that this could have happened now, when I was so close I could almost smell that flower.
And then there's 'HYDE'and getting more and more wound up, like a baying Wolf, seeking blood lust that I just knew, if I let him get his way even one more time I would probably never be able to control him again.
I felt like a failure after my successes of the last ten months. I forced myself to open the laptop lid and log on. Didn't know what part of the forum I was going to visit, just sat there to start with, reading the thread titles but not really paying any attention even to the words on the screen.
I decided to pop into the chat room, again don't really known why. part of me still very upset at losing yet another part of my life and a strong Urge building up inside me. Feeling like HE had finally won and we were destined not to be two parts of Laurie71 but moulded and shaped into one whole Laurie71. Not the Laurie people will ever want to meet as trust me he really is worse than a monster and I have been working really hard to tame him and there have been many a time when I nearly gave up.
Basically I had a huge surge of Panic when I entered the chat room, nearly logged straight off again.
So, So, So glad I didn't. I ended up in the chat room as several forum user's can testify from approx half eleven last night until now. and I have been writing this thread now for quite a while.
Whilst I was in the Chat room I got chatting with some of the forum users I have come to know slightly better than others here in our 'Cyber-Community'. No I don't believe that any if us can ever really know the person on the other end of the chat, but I believe I am a relatively good Judge of Character even on here.
Right the crucial bit .... .... .... I let Mr Hyde have a bit of 'FUN' in a safe environment that knew I could be in total control of him. Myself and the 'Other Forum Users' basically had a proper giggle.
Dear @anthony and @Nicolette , moderators and staff members,
please accept my humblest of apologies if we left any mess in the chat room in the early hours this morning after our 'spur of the moment' - 'food fight'. I will take full responsibility for all that transpired.
My bigger apologies for breaking the lid to the margarine tub on the bottom shelf of the fridge, I will replace it ASAP. ;)
And lastly, a huge thank you to the forum as a whole, for being the one place I can come to, whenever I need to as part of my self-led therapy. My physical family and friends can all, only too well testify to just how monstrous 'Laurie Hyde' actually is when he escapes and causes havoc. He's very much on his leash now and I do believe in a large part that is down simply to me interacting with other sufferers/ supporters here, effectively in total anonymity I was able to ground very quickly indeed and keep 'Laurie Hyde' on his leash.
Laurence :)
This time twelve months ago I had a great family, wife and five children with number six due in mid June. I had a thirty thousand pound a year career. Large house worth an extortionate amount of money I could not have foreseen how dramatically that idyllic life was to change, literally overnight.
I had always known I had issues because of CSA and other violent traumas as both a child and a young adult. I am what I consider to be a 'Bottler' in that I literally cram all my own emotions into the smallest of pop top bottles I have stored in my brain.
Every now and again over our 18 year marriage I would inadvertently knock the bottle and small amounts of my traumas would get spilt. I would hastily scoop what I could back up and try to fit it all back into that every decreasing space left in this very small bottle before too much became exposed. *every time I spilt a bit, my Mr Hyde got more encouraged and sought out the demon personality changing bottle*
I have classic C-PTSD almost to the point of being textbook. My therapist wanted to use me as a case study but I lost My Job. As My employers were paying his fee's we never got to do enough exposure therapy to make it a worthwhile study
I was beaten regularly by an elder sibling, raped by a neighbours son and much much more besides that. I compounded this as a naive young adult as I joined the Armed Forces as a medic in the Build up for the first Gulf War. Career ended very abruptly as I was hospitalised and in a wheelchair after a vicious assault that nearly snapped my spine between L-5 to L-7 - Damaged T-4 and left me with a hairline fracture to C-2. Left me with nasty internal Injuries as well. I have really struggled to deal with any of this particular part of my trauma as I cannot visualise my attacker at all. I can't see his face. I have only a vague recollection of being put in the air ambulance and being flown from Lincolnshire, RAF North Luffenham to RAF Ely in Cambridgeshire. I can process all of the sexual abuse, the rapes the beatings and much more as I can see faces and I can put names to those faces and deal with the memory trace that has been left behind.
The military PTSD side I just can't remember enough detail of, and it scares me when I try and process it as it brings out a side of me that even I would not want to get on the wrong side of, him 'Mr Hyde' *thankfully he has been soothed after ten months of aggressive therapy both as an 'in-patient and out-patient and also in huge self therapy both here on the forum and on the Internet*. I desperately want my life back as I have never quit anything in life and if there is the slightest hope that I can return to gainful employment and be permitted to see my children then that is all I need to keep me going. That was all I had when I was a kid, the smallest spark of hope, the faintest flicker of light in a dark pain filled life. That glint of hope kept me going all those years and I survived, I'm here alive and kicking as the phrase goes.
Actually I think I have made the decision to quit one thing in life, ever trying to hurt, cut or kill myself again, I'm clearly no good at it and have failed too many times.
Long thread cut down to size, when I finally managed very clumsily to knock the 'Memory Jar' as my Therapist refers to a sufferers container, the ones that many of us do what I did, and cram it all in the smallest of Jars on the shelf. I literally knocked it off the shelf hard enough to shatter it.
There was going to be no cramming it all back in and I went right off the edge. A stay in Intensive care, a critical, near fatal brain haemorrhage as a result of what I can only describe as the mother of booze binges I think anyone could have seen let alone drunk the amount I did that weekend. Death occurs when the blood alcohol levels reach 500 mmols per ml of blood - critical potentially life threatening levels of above 375 mmols will kill most heavy drinkers. I survived a level of 488 mmols per ml. So when I say I consider myself Lucky I believe just that, lucky to be alive with no lasting damage. Apart from aggressive symptoms when I dissociate or get triggered and literally flip out. ** all the bottled up aggression explodes and I become my very own 'Mr Hyde'. This as to prove to bee his most destructive rampage in 42 years. I lost control of him and there was no way that I, on my own was strong enough to physically pin him down this time. Three and a half months of 'Hyde's Time' followed.
Between us we took everyone that mattered and anyone who stumbled into our destructive path with us.
At the time I could not see that I was to blame for my marriage break-up, that it was my fault I alienated my own children by letting Hyde take over. I have worked for Law enforcement for the best part of my working life and here I was almost daily waking up in a stinking custody cell because I had yet again, let that damned bloke 'Hyde' get to the bottle and when ever 'He' got there before me trouble would always follow, each time worse that the preceding ones. We really were in self destruct mode this time, made worse by my Diagnosis, my hatred of the world for damaging me the way it did.
Direct result of this was I missed the birth of my youngest son Alexander, I hit the bottle every day from then on as I was devastated at not being safe enough to be there, (Social Services Ruling). (I had not only been present at all my other children's births, had to deliver my own daughter in 2009 as my wife suffers with 'Precipitate Labour', in lay-man's terms she literally 'spits them out' Hannah was born after only eight minutes and three contraction's no pushing and there I was with that moments old baby in my, arms waiting for an ambulance to arrive. I have not held Alexander since the day he was born, not seen any of them even for ten minutes since last August. The last arrest being the final back breaking straw. My camel quite literally broke in half under the strain of my downwards spiral into oblivion.
I was housed by the city council as I was effectively homeless and the councils in England deem a sufferer of PTSD as a 'vulnerable' adult. I fitted the criteria so they got me accommodation.... .... .... in a half way house for recovering alcoholics and drug addicts, pimps and ex criminals.... .... .... one who remembered me from my days in Her Majesties Prison Service and who clearly held a huge grudge.
That was to prove to be the last time 'Hyde' has reared his gnarly face and destructive temper. I actually thank him for it because he probably saved my life. I now have a huge scar approx 3 inches long to the rear of my head after the assault but old man 'Hyde' came to my defence one last time. I really do hope I never need to let him out of his bag again. He seems to get stronger every time he sees daylight!
Why is this thread under the 'Anxiety - Panic Attacks' forum, very simple because my wife has now filed for divorce. I will not contest it. I did act in an unreasonable manner when I was drunk and 'Hyde' was having his 'fun'time. I will not excuse my behaviour or his come to that.
I have been expecting this day for several months and yes it upset me when the email arrived and the formal arrangements for the kids arrived. That was a week ago now and I have come to terms with it. What made me flip yesterday was the letter I had NOT been expecting. The one from the Driver and Vehicle Licencing Agency revoking my unblemished drivers licence. I have no convictions and have never had any, not even a ticket for speeding, nor come to that a parking fine.
Why did I feel as if 'He' would be making an unwelcome visit. I have been signed off sick from working for the last eight months after coming out of the psychiatric unit. Deemed fit to leave by three psychiatrists. Deemed safe by the CPN to walk the street again. I have had no relapses or any problems with either the Alcohol or 'Hyde' since I really started to engage in on-line research. I have not had to worry those months that he would escape as he and I have a deal. I get better, get the help and treatment I need to deal with my traumas and really work at it, no more excuses like the past 2 decades. No more trying to cram any of the bits back in the new bottle in my memory bank (had to replace the original as it smashed into many little tiny pieces :) )
I had been approached by a good mate who owns and runs his own taxi firm. We grew up together and after nearly 24 years he remembered me and we got chatting. He made me the offer of a lifetime, shares in the firm. My own taxi an open door back to gainful employment and not just a way for me to earn enough to live properly, but I would also be able to pay well over the odds in maintenance for my kids. After all I am there dad and that is one thing that will never change I was there when they were conceived and I will pay for whatever I have to. I only pay the bare minimum at the moment out of my benefits because I am on the lowest benefit there is in the UK. I do not get any enhanced benefits because the Legion let me down.
Having lost all but my driving licence as a direct result of PTSD it was a massive blow and the hardest kick in the proverbial's I think I have suffered yet. To have that glint of light, that tiny bit of hope blossom into a beautiful Orchid of expectation suddenly and so catastrophically be ripped apart in front of my eyes hid hard.
Yes, he was right there, raging at the gate to his cage, rattling the bars louder than I have ever heard, the noise has deafened me for the last two days. I have struggled to sleep and desperately wanted to take a piece of my own advice which I have shared with many users on this forum. Simply this. To make sure I come here, to this forum and connect with the 'cyber-community' that is 'myptsd'. To come to a forum that I have experienced in the last ten months personally to be a great place that literally calms me down faster than any of my other grounding techniques.
Last evening, about ten-thirty. We were sat in our room, me and 'HIM'.
Me jittery as heck, scared and upset to the point of almost tears, that this could have happened now, when I was so close I could almost smell that flower.
And then there's 'HYDE'and getting more and more wound up, like a baying Wolf, seeking blood lust that I just knew, if I let him get his way even one more time I would probably never be able to control him again.
I felt like a failure after my successes of the last ten months. I forced myself to open the laptop lid and log on. Didn't know what part of the forum I was going to visit, just sat there to start with, reading the thread titles but not really paying any attention even to the words on the screen.
I decided to pop into the chat room, again don't really known why. part of me still very upset at losing yet another part of my life and a strong Urge building up inside me. Feeling like HE had finally won and we were destined not to be two parts of Laurie71 but moulded and shaped into one whole Laurie71. Not the Laurie people will ever want to meet as trust me he really is worse than a monster and I have been working really hard to tame him and there have been many a time when I nearly gave up.
Basically I had a huge surge of Panic when I entered the chat room, nearly logged straight off again.
So, So, So glad I didn't. I ended up in the chat room as several forum user's can testify from approx half eleven last night until now. and I have been writing this thread now for quite a while.
Whilst I was in the Chat room I got chatting with some of the forum users I have come to know slightly better than others here in our 'Cyber-Community'. No I don't believe that any if us can ever really know the person on the other end of the chat, but I believe I am a relatively good Judge of Character even on here.
Right the crucial bit .... .... .... I let Mr Hyde have a bit of 'FUN' in a safe environment that knew I could be in total control of him. Myself and the 'Other Forum Users' basically had a proper giggle.
Dear @anthony and @Nicolette , moderators and staff members,
please accept my humblest of apologies if we left any mess in the chat room in the early hours this morning after our 'spur of the moment' - 'food fight'. I will take full responsibility for all that transpired.
My bigger apologies for breaking the lid to the margarine tub on the bottom shelf of the fridge, I will replace it ASAP. ;)
And lastly, a huge thank you to the forum as a whole, for being the one place I can come to, whenever I need to as part of my self-led therapy. My physical family and friends can all, only too well testify to just how monstrous 'Laurie Hyde' actually is when he escapes and causes havoc. He's very much on his leash now and I do believe in a large part that is down simply to me interacting with other sufferers/ supporters here, effectively in total anonymity I was able to ground very quickly indeed and keep 'Laurie Hyde' on his leash.
Laurence :)
