Manipulation?

[TLight]

Ok, so I've been a victim of manipulative people so often, it has driven me to really bad places.

So now I'm almost 50 and after a lifetime of ptsd and 20 years of horrible health cfs/fibro/me, I've finally dedicated this next year to laying low, no work, resting and doing only what I want to do. Being totally selfish. I've given and given and gotten only pain back. No more. Now I give only to myself. I've nothing left to give to anyone. I'm completely depleted and either I make this move or die. That's how serious it is.

So a new 'friend' from church who has admitted she's codependent, etc. is moving. She calls me up, says she has two adriondack chairs and some pots that 'for sure I could use them.' I live in a space that is about 400 s.f. and my porch like barely fits the width of a human. My 'lawn' is the width of two sidewalks and it is right next to the noisy neighbors.
I say to her, 'well, how wide are they? My porch is so small." " Well, you can put them on the lawn and sit with a glass of wine with a friend, etc. . ....oh, and if anything you can just give them to the neighbors and have them cut them up for wood."
Now the conversation has obviously turned to a point where she won't let me say no. Kicker is I have to come get them by Friday.

I get a horrible fibro flair, haven't been able to drive this entire last week due to dizziness ( and she knows this)........So I'm stressing about getting over there and picking them up by Friday now.
Then I call this morning and she says, there's two other chairs and some pots etc. I put them in the shed.

Finally.......after stressing about this for days and PISSED I wasn't allowed to say NO........I said, NO! I tried to tell you I didn't want them to begin with and you interrupted and wouldn't let me.

Is this manipulation? I always ALWAYS think about others first........my last intention is to stress anyone out and I'll go out of my way not to do that. I'm sitting thinking last night how I WOULD NEVER do that to someone and I'm pissed...........plus really really sick for decades now and no one thinks about not stressing me out.
Just want some feedback.

 

[Britt.f7]

Yes, I think she was trying to manipulate you into taking her items. I don't think she was doing it to be cruel. I think a lot of people tend to do that when they are trying to sell something, or get rid of it.

Good for you for calling her back and stating that no you do not want them. There is nothing wrong with that. I'm sorry you couldn't do it to begin with, but you did it and do not have chairs on your front lawn.

 

[TLight]

Thanks Britt.........that helped, reality checks.

 

[Echo]

Yes, just say no. She's probably not being malicious at all, just thinking it'll be an easy way of solving her problems. And telling herself that she's doing you a good turn at the same time. You are not obliged to her.

I have exactly the same problems. With the same results - CFS, at least, though I've kicked that into touch after a lot of hard work on myself. Then, of course, it's all come back with a vengeance with the CPTSD, so time to return to the same issues. And yes, you do need to put yourself first - absolutely. If people really want to help you, they'll ask, "what do you need?" not tell you what they think you need.

I had a friend organise a lunch do supposedly for me, although she didn't listen to the fact that I have 4 dislocated ribs and a shoulder out so I couldn't get to the venue. Instead of moving the venue, which would have been really easy (just a local pub, nothing booked), she got annoyed with me. I didn't get it really. And then, like you, I realised that she wanted to go to that particular pub and I was just the excuse to get people together, not the real reason. Oh well, it doesn't matter. Really good friends don't act like that, even if these people are largely kind at heart and probably don't realise what they are doing!

You didn't do anything wrong and neither did I. Maybe we just have to wait until they've done what they wanted to do, and then speak, if they won't listen along the way. Give her the stress back!

 

[TLight]

I realize she isn't being malicious. I guess I'm just hypersensitive and really thoughtful about not stressing others in the slightest cause I've allowed others to stress me to the max. So I get angry easily, and I tend to go black and white pretty quickly. Something I need to work on.
CFS sucks.......and ITGETS WORSE...I have a horse that my ex pays for (I'm on disability) and I'm realizing that riding is just too much. I rode the other day and suffered with serious heart palpitations that lasted a good half an hour. Riding always puts me down for two or three days. The only thing I live for......I'm looking into leasing him for awhile so I can focus on rest. So sorry you have it too Echo and thanks for your input.
I don't know about friends.....it's a give and take thing and I've nothing to give.

 

[Echo]

You are burnt out. As you say, just focus on you. I had to realise I burned out because everyone saw me as the strong one and I just kept giving. Even now I am on my knees, people still want me to help sort out their problems. It is very hard to say no, but I realise if I don't, I'll be dead and useless to anyone. And you are not hypersensitive; you are just exhausted, and as you say, have nothing left to give. Be kind to yourself. I'm trying to be so.

 

[arfie]

You sound like me coming out of what my shrink of the phase and I called my "Wonder Woman Phase." I had been solving other people's problems for so long that I had evolved into the neighborhood dumpster. Whatever somebody did't want or couldn't handle got dumped on me. As I started learning my way out of it, I started to see myself as more volunteer than victim. I had a million and one ways of setting myself up for it.

My first step away from it was learning that, "No!" is a complete sentence. It "No, thank you" is too complicated, I can simplify it for you. My excuses and explanations were where I did allot of my volunteering by leaving myself open to manipulations, both perceived and real. Often I manipulated my own self by imagining that I knew what they REALLY wanted... Mind reading was one of my super-powers... :meh:

Whatever you find that works in your special case, I wanna cheer you on while you find it. It is important.

 

[JustBe]

Boy oh boy can I relate TLight ! :bag::bored::banghead:

 

[onesie]

I am new to this sight..so hello everyone..I am a survivor of years of trauma, dv, church cult, rapes, molestation, and I have been diagnosed with ptsd.. I also can relate to feeling like you do.. I was manipulated my entire life..I love how you said not a victim, but a volunteer.. I no longer allow people to manipulate.. I have a voice too.. its loving and still giving to those that back up the friendship.. I stay away from people that take advantage of me or others.. it really irks me, to the point of I...... get disgusted!! I am also where you are.. fed up!!!

 

[Hashi]

I don't really think it matters what her motivations are, whether it's manipulation or not. If you start trying to assess everything for manipulation, I think you're diverting your energy away from what matters.

To me, the important thing is your interests and your decision. What the other person's motives are, in examples like this, I don't see as very important. Maybe she's consciously being manipulative, maybe she's subconsciously being manipulative, maybe it's something else... I see all this as distraction. Who knows what other people's minds are up to? In the end, we can only deal with our own.

More important is that you feel able to make a decision that's good for you and feel able to communicate that.

I think this is about assertiveness rather than possible manipulation. If you're assertive, it doesn't matter what's going on with the other person.

 

[TLight]

That's right Hashi. I'm framing the situation in a negative way due to my past. Really it's about me learning to be assertive and not be afraid to do it on the spot.