Mariage, job, issue

[abbynormal1929]

Hello,

So what's goiing on is: a company in my field of study is interested in me. If they offer me the job, I want to take it. My wife, who I have established is emotionally abusive, doesn't want me to work in the counseling field. Last time I tried to it didn't go so well... like psychologically. But I feel o have grown a lot since then. 4 years. Also this job would require us to employ a babysitter which my wife thinks would make people think she was a bad parent. In the past when I've talked about this she's said "you can't change your personality" and "you don't seem like you changed much." Long story short if I get this job and accept it, it will be the nail in the coffin of our marriage. Or even if it's not, she'll tell me how I'm making things more difficult, or taking a risk every day, or that I'm hurting her. We'd have to go through custody arrangements, and divorce. I was planning on leaving her sometime anyway, but this would force it. I can't stop thinking about how I would even bring the job up, or what I would say if I leave, or how custody would work with our son. I know legally how it would work, but I mean more practically. I mean would I have to not see him for 15 days till a hearing could be arranged? I'm just overwhelmed. I really want this job, and it's like 15,000 more a year than im making now, with better benefits, and it's in my field of study. It would just force a lot of things to happen all at once. I don't even know how to bring it up. I didn't even want to tell her about it till I was sure they were interested because I don't trust my self not to let her talk me out of it. I just feel like I'm about to open Pandora' s box.

 

[somerandomguy]

Listen, you NEED a nail in the coffin of the toxic relationship you're in. You have to do this for yourself and for your son.

Do you want your son to see your abusive marriage and think that's how relationships are supposed to be?

YOU CAN DO THIS.

 

[abbynormal1929]

As silly as it may sound, I'm worried people will hate me or blame me. Even though my mom, all of my friends, and my therapist are very supportive, and agree that I need to do things for myself and my son. I can't stop thinking about how it will hurt my wife. Again silly as it may sound.

 

[somerandomguy]

Well @abbynormal1929 ... I have also been through an abusive relationship and I never got out of it because I was too afraid. She ended up leaving me. And I hated it. I wanted back in that relationship so badly. But what I found out is that I could eventually have a non-abusive relationship.

It's so much better. You need to give yourself the chance to experience a non-abused life.

Of course your wife is going to make it seem like she will be completely devastated. But you know what? She won't be. She'll miss abusing you. She won't miss YOU.

 

[grit]

I truly can relate to similar situations where I had similar feelings of pure fear and trepidation but I do not get how you are all mixing them up. This is all under IF.
AND
you may not get the job or the offer may not materialize. But what this idea of a new job bringing up is the issue in your marriage and your family.

Maybe talk to a therapist so a person close to you can help you dissect or unravel this thing.

To me it sounds like every time you get a good thing going, you must find a bad thing to cancel it. this also does not sit well in your marriage. maybe you really do not want to be with your wife when you are happy. You only want to be with her when both are struggling.

One thing at the time:

1. therapy for you to calm down and stay in the reality
2. see what the offer entails first before you put all your eggs in one basket
3. take steps to leave this marriage or truly put your good foot forward to find common ground - you cant just wait until you see yourself in a better position because that to me means you are also holding her back from moving forward
4. Stop catastrophizing the future about child custody - it is sounding a bit of excuse at this point (my vantage point).

 

[LuckiLee]

I would talk with a lawyer before mentioning anything to your wife about the job or divorce. Get YOUR ducks in a row first.

 

[somerandomguy]

I would talk with a lawyer before mentioning anything to your wife about the job or divorce.

If talking to a lawyer would delay things, I would not. I would just leave as soon, and as safely, as you possibly can.

We have established that you are in an abusive relationship. The important thing for you is to just GET OUT. Everything else can sort itself out eventually.

 

[grit]

I would not. I would just leave as soon, and as safely, as you possibly can.

We have established that you are in an abusive relationship. The important thing for you is to just GET OUT. Everything else can sort itself out eventually.

How did you establish this from the website for sure? I think it is good to take a measured steps and not act impulsive issues involving children.

 

[somerandomguy]

How did you establish this from the website for sure?

@grit, this member has been here awhile and posted on this issue several times.

 

[EveHarrington]

You’ve been posting for awhile about how abusive your wife is....

Your vision is incredibly skewed at this point, as this is what typically happens in abusive relationships.

This is why it’s CRUCIAL to get feedback from outside perspectives and when at least three people tell you the exact same thing, you really need to take their input seriously.

Getting a job in counseling is risky? No. Getting a job on the bearing sea as a crab fisherman is risky. Getting this job is SMART! It’s in your field, you’ll be making a bit more money, etc. This is money that will ultimately make your child’s life BETTER!

I hate to break it to you, but this is not love, not in the least. People who love us lift us up, they always want the best for us, even if sometimes that means they don’t get exactly what they want. Your wife? She’s self centered and only cares about herself. Your daughter is learning to model that behavior and model your relationship. Get out to save yourself. Get out to save her.

And one day you’ll meet someone who shows you that true love is an action. Words are pretty damn cheap. When someone shows you love in all of the things they for you? You’ll be kicking yourself for wasting so much time on someone who selfishly used you for her own personal gain and never cared about your well being.

 

[abbynormal1929]

Thank you everyone for your support. Hopefully something, at least, will have changed by the next time I post on here

 

[abbynormal1929]

Kind of a post script. I did fill out an application for legal aid, still waiting to hear back. Some new emotional complications have come up, which i know shouldn't matter but I can't stop giving myself pause because of them. 1. My wife just bailed me out of a significant debt, which I would pay back, but makes me feel like an ass for leaving so soon after. 2. It's our anniversary next week and I feel like an ass for leaving so close to it. At the same time she called me an ass hole, some how related to not having a sense of humor about her making fun of me. And 2 she keeps telling me to delay getting a vasectomy even tough she doesn't want any more kids. She also said she was gonna make our don like her: as in "someone that can take a joke". All I think about at work now is wanting to leave, but not being sure about what would happen with my son. And waiting to hear back from the legal aid place. The person I spoke to before said I should get my legal bases covered cause going to stay with my mom would require crossing state lines with my son. Anyway. She also randomly says "yo u hate me" or lost interest in her, and I still can't stop myself from saying, "no, I love you" and run back to her side (verbally). I don't know... Kind of just rambling now.

Everyone's support on this site, and this thread has helped a lot. So thank you.