Mastering Ptsd Symptoms; Self Sabotage

[saraemerald]

I was also scared that because my family was sooo weird (which trust me it was), I would end up weird or severely messed up. I was so scared moat of my time growing up and I was also hurt very badly and made fun pf by my peers and all I wanted was to be accepted

Because they help, in the short term.

- Someone who is feeling too much may self medicate with drugs or...

Ever since I was young, I tried dealing with what was happening and later, with my symptoms of PTSD with positive coping skills but had a lot of negative people around me so I hid myself and shrunk myself to fit in. These were people in my congregation of the religion I grew up with.

And also, because I didn't have my parents to help me and be nice to me, I loved my teachers and the older people at my church so I was very uncool to my peers.

And that only made everything worse. The religion I was brought up with taught about a paradise on earth were conditions would be nice and peaceful so when I was a kid, I would try to focus on what it would be like living in paradise in peaceful conditions and pray to God everyday

Well, my coping mechanism growing up, was becoming religious and believing in God, that He would eventually solve all of my problems if I had strong faith in him which at the time, meant following everything the religion asked of me to remain "in good standing".

 

[Gs172003]

Learning how&why I sabotage myself has been really useful to me.

Also? Not taking more (or less) than m...

If you haven't read that book im constantly hollaring about you should. There's a whole chapter dedicated to that very thing.

 

[saraemerald]

If you haven't read that book im constantly hollaring about you should. There's a whole chapter dedicate...

OK @Zoogal , will do. Lol

 

[candor]

I for one wish that you could be a bit less harsh on yourself. If your goal at some point (and I am not saying that it was) happened to be that you needed to belong and feel wanted and the price that you were willing to pay for that feeling was to conform to someone else's idea of "good girl" then that is pretty normal behaviour. If you then re-evaluate the situation and find yourself wanting to be free of mind control, then that is not self sabotage that is awesome. Everyone take a break from being good all the time because it unrealistic to be anything else but a flawed human being who stumbles and falls. So if the problem is that you are addicted to pain and suffering (and again only you know that) then you must address that problem as an addiction. There is an adrenalin kick we get from drama and pain that some of us just keep coming back to and its not about logic but about feeling a familiar rush rather than peace.

What helped me was to replace it with another healthier addiction. I go surfing but it could be anything else body related. Realizing that there will always be falls and setbacks was really liberating for me. Those self defeating behaviours are the symptoms but that does not make us damaged goods. We are only damaged in my opinioin when we stop practicing the good behaviours for good. A friend once said to me "If you want people to like you, just smile all the time and say as little as possible"...it kinda works but I would go nuts if I had to do that indefinately.

 

[Gs172003]

OK @Zoogal , will do. Lol

This one :
I think you might like this book – "The Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Sourcebook, Revised and Expanded Second Edition: A Guide to Healing, Recovery, and Growth: A Guide to Healing, Recovery, and Growth" by Glenn Schiraldi.

Start reading it for free: Dead Link Removed


I don't know why it copied like that. Sorry

 

[saraemerald]

I for one wish that you could be a bit less harsh on yourself. If your goal at some point (and I am not...

I want to go surfing one day. It seems like a beautiful sport that helps you connect with yourself and nature

 

[candor]

It freaking saved my life. I was introduced to it by a boyfriend who claimed it cured him of depression. I thought he was either not depressed or just ridiculous. But there is this magic that happens. You can't be worried or distracted or down you go. If you get fustrated or tired, you have to stop for your own safety (just like in real life). So you learn to pace yourself and to laugh each time you are knocked down. It not only makes you mentally strong but physically strong. I am 60 and got in such good shape that no one believes my age. I am windsurfing and that's all I want to do all summer long. Joining a club and getting lessons really helped.

 

[saraemerald]

I want to go surfing one day. It seems like a beautiful sport that helps you connect with yourself...

I used to love watching surfing documentaries such as Peel-The Peru Project, Step into Liquid and The Billabong Odessey

It freaking saved my life. I was introduced to it by a boyfriend who claimed it cured him of depression....

That's awesome. I'm on the Northeastern coast so it's not a pupular culture here but I always wondered what it was like to live on the West coast and become a part of it. Years ago, I wanted to take a month off to go and travel to the west coast and be a beach bum for a few weeks but my boss didn't want me to take that much time off for work and that religion I was in didn't encourage you to pursue your own thing so...

 

[candor]

So...I was really good as an engineer but my ADHD would get me fired more often than not. To deal with the rejection, I devised a neat little trick. I would always put a little bit of money aside each pay day and when they'd fire me off I would go on vacation. I can't control what life throws at me but I can control how I decide to react to it. I ended up cheering up these bosses that had to fire me and tell them that we would both be ok. Here in Europe 4-5 weeks vacation is the norm.

Also whenever we enter any relationship, we are unconsciously giving up control. We let someone or some organization tell us what to do in exchange for something we need or want. That is often a loved one, a boss or even a country. It helps to remove the resentment that comes up if we deeply think of what we are afraid of loosing if we say "no". Is it money, security...? Whatever it is we can often find it somewhere else if we believe in ourselves (new job, new habits). When you use all that energy you used to make others happy to make yourself happy you attract more happiness cause that is where your focus is at. If you just think about how others stop you from this or that then they still control a little part of you. When we allow ourselves to let go of resentment we become unstoppable. You have already proven that you are capable of change. Change now to who you want to be. Do whatever you want as long as you are safe and not breaking the law. Hugs from Europe.

 

[saraemerald]

So...I was really good as an engineer but my ADHD would get me fired more often than not. To deal with t...

Thankyou @candor. My problem is that I actually used to practice all that since I was little. I always looked at the bright side and always did the best I could despite and when I faced negativity I focused on the positive and refused to let it get me down and I worked extremely hard to make it through each day of work in my late teens and early twenties with severe PTSD symptoms and hide them as much as I could so I didn't appear aeird to my workmates. I don't know exactly why I reacted I did years ago while in this religion but it brought up the biggest onslaught of self doubt and security I ever had and yes, it enabled me to leave the religion and get disfellowshipped. I was so confused because I was used to reacting to negative situations withs a positive attitude ever since I was little, even when feeling of insecurity and such came up, I always just moved through it and forward and I had a lot of positive energy to share with others too but over time, I think I just disappointed and also it really messes with your head when you are trying to remain positive about being single at age 26 but then you find yourself out of the blue turn against yourself and tear yourself apart to shrink yourself or push God away in a religion that teaches you that that is sinning against the holy spirit and that results in death and no resurrection.

All Im trying to say is thank you for your responses. I need to work through this confusion and it is not fair that I was positive and I used to react with a posotive attitude to ALL the negative stuff happening in my life on a regular basis and I guess I was tired of being positive all the time and now I am trying to forgive myself for being weird and I am trying to find myself again somehow and am struggling to have a good attitude again. I was essentially rejected by most of the people in my life when I had a good attitude.

Sorry if I sound negative but I am trying. I literally have an empty feeling in my throat and knots in my stomach or a physical feeling of a void in my body that is preventing me from letting go of all this am moving forward. Maybe it's all in my head and I just feel more comfortable feeling this way and Im just a stubborn mule. I don't know. I just want it all to go away. I am working with a really great therapist who is trying to get me out of my head all the time and into my body so that I can release all the feelings that have pent up for many years. I went through a SH*T ton of stuff non-stop and kept a positive attitude through oit it all and I didn't break until I was in a better place in my life and I moved back to the congregation I grew up with and showed them the new me with no more anxiety and no more PTSD symptoms and I was happier, and then I faced the fact I was still single and then I sabotaged everything I jad worked hard for, for over a decade as if I had never actually worked toward my recovery all those years and nothing mattered. And no one understood what was happening to me or knew about that before all this that I had recoverwd at that point from all my PTSD symptoms, so I just went downhill from there and just started starving myself and stopped exercising and stopped attending church. I didn't even know what I was doing or why

I kept quiet about my recovery from my friends because I did it with alternative medicine and alternative methods but they kept trying to tell me to take conventional medicine and never let me explain to them what I was proactively doing for my recovery and when I did heal, they didn't notice anyways. Whenever anyone recovers from anything such as an illness, usually their friends can tell when they have recovered and be happy for them, but that did not happen to me and it was actually very disappointing to me especially when one of my friends did notice but never embraced it and actually started to say negative things to me on a regular basis about the tbings I did for my recovery amd ahe lied to other ppl telling them I waa suicidal and had been for many years and I was a depressed person. One of my friends who knows this person says she remembers when this person used to talk about me and she told me that this person and her friends needed me to be sick. This person is a psychopath and not many people including me now, have many nice things to say about her.

 

[saraemerald]

So I know I probably just broke because I was trying to heal from severe abuse from my childhood and to try and ne a "normal" person despite and I was also dealing with being in a cult and surrounded by some pretty crazy ppl and their drama. No lie. I witnessed A LOT! On a regular basis but stayed in the religion cuz I genuinely thought it was the truth. Talk about a mindf*ck! And left that religion by sabotaging myself in an aweful way and demenaed myself so bad right at a point in my life when I wanted my friends to be happy for me and realise that I had recovered from my PTSD symptoms.

So I know what happened! No matter what ever happened to me, I had learned to mentally get myself through the pain pr whatever I was going through by praying, focusing on paradise amd doing something to keep me busy, ect. I was strong through all the things I had ever endured and I was strong for pther people, and volunteering as a pioneer and for a Spanish congregation and giving things to people. I had also learned how to overcome shame and guilt feelings from my childhood. I was helpful to my teachers, visited elderly people and was good at my religion. I was "good" ALL THE TIME! And listened to other people's problems and hugged them and cared about then. I wanted someone to GENUINELY CARE ABOUT MEEE!!! Too! So what better way than to break myelf, right?!!! Well, there you have it.


Sometimes it sucks @$$ being positive ALL THE F*Cking time no matter what's happening in you life

Sorry about all the language. And it sucks when you are only trying to do the right things with your life and have no clue you are actually working extremely hard for a cult and you just look like a naive, sweet, goody two shoes to others who have no clue about your life or story and just assume things about you without ever trying to get to know you. Whatever. This happens to everyone. Lol

 

[candor]

I am going to add to your reading list this website Self-Compassion Resources | Kristin Neff It contains some short helpful mp3 tapes and its totally free.

Some people find that it takes a lot of energy to get close to others but for me it takes a lot of energy to keep that smiling mask on. It SUCKS to feel you have to do that. You don't have to with real close friends. I use two terms: friendly and friends. If "I am friendly with X", X only gets to see me when I am positive and I speak of nonpersonal subjects and if I "I am friends with X", they get the whole freaking rainbow blue, red and black which means that a "how are you?" gets answered honestly without holding back.

I got really nasty at work where I said ito my collegues (n front of my boss ) "I am tired of taking it up the ass." This was very out of character as I tend to be the "nice girl". I had made it clear that I did not want to know if anyone was talking behind my back by anyone else than the person who had the complaint. I wanted the bullying and gossiping to stop.

Then I wrote an email to the top boss telling him what I had done and stating that I did not think that his involvement was needed but I would let him know if the situation was repeated. The abuse stopped and not only that but everyone now smiles and shows respect. Talk about weird. Being always positive does not always work.

Once you learn to be really happy for you, you might not need or care if others are happy for you. In fact, it has really stopped mattering to me. I know a lot of people say that they are empats and that they just know what someone else is feeling or thinking by just looking....Uh no ...sorry, not drinking the koolaid. You can't ever know. So why not just care about what you feel for yourself?

Whatever you feel is what you feel and its ok. I feel like giving you a long warm hug and making it all go away. I don't know how or why we care for people we never met or even if it is genuine. I know it feels like genuine care and its the best I can do.