Relationship Meeting My Ex-gf For The First Time Since Breaking Up

[Snowangel1225]

@Snowangel1225 what exactly is it that made you so stressed?

Are you asking why it stresses me to be gone overnight? Or just why am I stressed in general? I'll try and answer both without going into too much detail since this isn't really part of this thread. Being gone overnight is hard for me. I don't know why exactly but the best I can figure is that home is my safe place....it's where I recharge. Yes, I know a weekend away is supposed to be fun and relaxing, but for me it's stressful and I am on edge the whole time. Being stressed in general...I have a history of sexual, physical and mental abuse starting in childhood and carrying on in adult relationships. I am also a single mom of three and two of them are special needs.

I would think the sufferer would be able to feel the most secure around someone who loves them the most and in turn not trust others as much

That would make sense, wouldn't it? But that's not the way it works unfortunately. It is easier for a sufferer to deal with friends than it is for them to deal with a close partner because there is less risk, therefore less stress that way. It isn't that they trust other people more, but rather that they can maintain a easier, superficial relationship with them. Someone who loves them is too close and gets pushed away because the sufferer either gets overwhelmed or wants to protect the supporter from having to deal with someone that is 'damaged' like they are....or both.

Disclaimer...at this point I consider myself a supporter because of my relationship with someone who is diagnosed with PTSD, but I am also early on in my own therapy and it wouldn't surprise me if I am eventually diagnosed myself. I meet a lot of the criteria but I am not qualified to diagnose myself and I will leave that up to the professionals.

 

[Snowangel1225]

Does anyone think it would be inappropriate for me to get my ex a birthday gift or is dinner enough? Would getting her a gift maybe make her feel uncomfortable? Maybe just a gift-card in a card???

I think that is a slippery slope. Personally, I would stick with just the dinner. A gift could be misconstrued as being too intimate or too impersonal depending on what you got. Maybe if things go well and you meet again, you could get her a belated birthday gift later on down the road. At least then you would have a better idea of how she is feeling about you and being in each other's life again.

 

[InNeedOfGuidance]

Well it is late and I am tired, but it went well I think. I admit I messed up a bit at the end (went against advice given here on the board) and said stuff I should not have, but that ended up being OK. Let me see if I can express quickly how it went:

I got there 15 minutes before she did and when she arrived she looked as amazing as always. We gave each other a big hug and the conversation started off as if it had never stopped. It was non-stop and fantastic. We talked about everything. From my job to her job to our families, trips, etc. I did get her a card and a $25 gift card and paid for dinner and everything honestly was very normal.

We had a lot of fun. However, we did talk about the past at the end. I admitted to her how I never wanted to break up with her and how hard it was for me to do it. She thanked me for doing it because once it ended it made things easier for her. She said if I had not done it she was going to. I also told her how I think I went into a mild depression after I ended it and she apologized. I said she did not have to because I did it for her. I also admitted to her that I never stopped missing or loving her. She then explained to me how she has started to see a psychologist as she has deep seeded issues she needs to fix and it goes well beyond Afghanistan. She has known for a long time that she needed to get them addressed well before me and her were a couple and she is doing that now. She told me she wants to be friends but not in a relationship. In fact she does not want to be in a relationship at all as her issues will take time to figure out and she wants to focus on that. I said I would like to be friends with her so we will see how that goes. If I know she will not be in a relationship with anyone else I think that helps, because if she could commit to someone else and not me that may be too painful. That is the quick synopsis as I am tired and need to get some sleep. Chat tomorrow.

 

[abs_21]

Morning.
Well all in all I would say that you had a great first meet. Well done. It seems to me that your ex girlfriend is seeking help and being honest with you that she needs to address her own issues before she can fully commit to a relationship with someone. That she needs to understand and love herself before she can let someone else in and I think that this is a logical way of thinking. You now, if she will let you and you want to, can support her from a distance, be there for her and love her as a friend.
x

 

[Gingerly]

Someone who loves them is too close and gets pushed away because the sufferer either gets overwhelmed or wants to protect the supporter from having to deal with someone that is 'damaged' like they are....or both.

My ex-BF said the exact same thing when he broke off the relationship. You sound like a very strong, independent woman and I admire you. You have a lot going on, but it sure sounds like you are on the right track. Do you find you are helping yourself while dealing with your ex?

 

[Gingerly]

@InNeedOfGuidance, Glad things went well for you. How did the evening end in terms of speaking/seeing each other again? Friends for now is a good way to re-start.

 

[InNeedOfGuidance]

@Gingerly she said she just wants to be friends and not in a relationship with me or anyone else. She started to see a Psychologist three weeks ago to work on issues she has had even before she met me and went to Afghanistan. She said even if she never went to Afghanistan she would have probably gotten anxiety over our relationship and would have eventually ended it between us regardless as that is her pattern...her M.O. She has known she needs help for a very long time and has just now decided to get the help which I am ecstatic she is doing. I have said I want to be friends with her so we will see how that works out.

 

[Gingerly]

she said she just wants to be friends and not in a relationship with me or anyone else.

My ex said the same thing... we shall see.

 

[abs_21]

@InNeedOfGuidance, I just wondered how things are progressing with you?

 

[InNeedOfGuidance]

@abs_21 I texted her 2 days after the dinner to wish her luck at the doctor as she had a cough she could not get rid of and asked her to let me know how it goes. That was on 4/18. I have not heard back from her and I am OK with that. In a way I think meeting with her gave me a closure and acceptance that she is gone. When we broke up she was in Afghanistan and it was done via FaceTime which made it awkward. Plus, I have read so many stories about others who have ex's with PTSD and the reality is there is nothing I can do. She does not want me in her life although she says she wants to be friends, but friends actually write back. Anyway, I believe I am OK now and if she contacts me I will contact her back, but the ball is in her court. I am moving on without her.

 

[Gingerly]

@InNeedOfGuidance Well said!

 

[InNeedOfGuidance]

How is everyone else doing? I hope well.