Relationship Met someone who i really like... although he has combat ptsd...

[Angel1117]

Hi, I need some advice on a guy I met a few months back... basically we met a few times through work & I ended up asking him if he fancied a drink, as I detected a lot of chemistry there. The first time we arranged to meet he said there had been a family emergency & that he couldnt meet (via text) last minute. A few days later he text saying he was really sorry etc. & we carried on texting & calling each other as normal. We arranged to meet a few weeks later & all was fine, although I noticed that he would not txt me or call in the evenings or weekends. We met, had a great evening & all was great. We then met again a few days later & again had a lovely time (he was so open with me & told e he had PTSD which is why he left the army). I didn't hear from him again that weekend, but he said he was with mates, so never thought anything of it. The following week he was calling & texting me as normal (I noticed if I never picked up he would keep calling & text me so thought he was really keen), but then he just ghosted on me. We were meant to meet that weekend & I was going to spend the Saturday night at his but come the Saturday his phone was switched off. I hadn't heard from him since the Weds. I called his work & then he text me off his work phone saying that he was with a client & couldn't make that night as he had to go out of town. In anger, I said that 'we should just leave it here' he asked why - he had planned to see me the next week, (Mon & Tues night he was free) & said that he would be disappointed if we did leave things there but totally understood. He said he would call me later of his own phone. Never heard from him. I tried calling his phone over the following days but it was switched off. I created all this storied in my head about him having a double life & probably just being a player etc. & got him out my system. This all happened several weeks ago but the last week or so I can't get him out my head & although it is easy for me to be mad at him, I instinctively feel that the way he behaved was totally out of character & feel confident that he did really like me. I'm debating whether or not to get in contact with him again by sending him a card or something just neutral (I deleted his number in anger) to his office. It has only been in recent days that it suddenly dawned on me that this behaviour was a result of his PTSD & now having done some research, the behavioural patterns I have read about all match his. At the time I didn't connect the dots. I'm not sure what to do but I really really liked him & think the reason he hasn't been in contact is because I told him I wanted to leave things after him practically standing me up. Knowing what I know now, it is making me question the whole thing & wondering if I made a mistake as he really was so lovely, when we were together. Can anyone please give me some advice taking into account his PTSD? Do I give up on him... or give it one more shot?

 

[EveHarrington]

I think that yes, he really did like you.

I also think that this shouldn't be brushed off as "out of character" because then there's a tendency to think that there's the PTSD affected guy, and then there's the real guy, as if they're two separate entities. I think his behavior is indeed PTSD influenced. However, if it's not something you can be ok with, then it's probably better to move on. PTSD can cause isolating type behavior including not always being responsive (for days, weeks, or longer), and cancelling plans when our stress cups overflow. Are you familiar with the stress cup concept?

 

[Angel1117]

I think that yes, he really did like you.

I also think that this shouldn't be brushed off as "o...

Hello, thank you for your response. Yes, I have looked at the stress cup. He ticks so many of my boxes & I really resonated with him so don't want to just write it off. He seems pretty together & confident etc. but then he would just go quiet for a few days. I never connected the dots but in recent weeks, have been thinking about him a lot so started looking at ptsd symptoms & so on. Should I reach out to him (I won't mention the ptsd of course) but just give him the option to contact me if he wishes so he knows that I haven't lost interest completely. I feel like if I don't then I will never know where it could have gone

 

[Sighs]

Don't get involved with this person thinking things will change. Most likely they won't. Will you be ok with a relationship where this pattern repeats?

 

[Angel1117]

Don't get involved with this person thinking things will change. Most likely they won't. Will you be ok...

As long as we are open with each other about what is happening, then I am definitely willing to try

 

[Random Meow]

Hi @Angel1117, I say give the guy a chance if you feel something for him but keep your guard up. Being with a combat vet is an emotional roller coaster.

 

[EveHarrington]

I have a feeling that his definition of open and your definition of open are going to be vastly different. Isolation episodes of any sort are the basis for why I say this. It's hard to be truly open when dealing with an overflowing stress cup and wanting to isolate.

 

[LuckiLee]

Hi there.

Avoidance is only one symptom of PTSD.

*Anxiety
*Depression
*Nightmares
*Sleep disorders
*Anger /Rage
*Hypervigalance
*Isolation
*Guilt /Shame
*Self medication

If I were you I'd take some more time researching PTSD. Being in a relationship with someone who suffers isn't easy in fact it's extremely difficult. It takes ALOT of work from both parties.

Good luck on your journey!

 

[Angel1117]

Hi there.

Avoidance is only one symptom of PTSD.

*Anxiety
*Depression
*Nightmares
*Sleep disorders
*A...

Thank you x