Misinterpret Conversations. Don't Hear Things Right Sometimes. Help?

[Grace59]

Hi everyone,

My abuse with my mother ended when I was 19 years old and I am 21 now. I've been in therapy since I was 17 years old to deal with all of the abuse, and I really thought it was all behind me. I am a great student, very social, and have a lot going for me -- but I have my ups and downs and I am still struggling with PTSD and the residue from my abusive childhood. I have made great strides and I am better off than many I have read about who suffer from PTSD.

I have very loving friends, and I am very blessed I admit that. However, I always seem to run into the same problem with the people I love. I seem to misinterpret things that they say sometimes. I'm not sure, but I feel like in the moment I hear things wrong and then I interpret it as an attack -- when they didn't mean it that way at all. Does this happen to anyone? It happens with the people, my close friends, that I love. I just don't hear things right and then I shut down or get very defensive. I end up beating myself up for it, because in the moment I really don't hear it right, and then I apologize -- but it's very frustrating for those closest to me. My friend can't seem to understand why I "punish" my friends, when the entire problem was with my mother in the past. I can't seem to express myself well and explain it, because it is very hard to deal with myself.

Anyone else deal with this issue? Does anyone know how to cope with it or make it stop?

 

[bethinhfx]

I can relate to that--- its like a trauma trigger. Because someone was abusive you expect the worst. I You are not punishing your friends. I hate to break it to ya but you probably have issues that other people don't have. Its kind of like you have a big, big sore inside and when people push your buttons or you are afraid of getting hurt that button gets pushed. Other people don't have that big, big sore. They might have other's but you have to get to know yours.

Abuse. It's so easy to say, " I was abused" but what does that mean? Would you ever abuse a child?

When you are abused something in you changes. Its kind of a big deal and part of surviving is minimizing. So, cut yourself some slack; take some of the pressure off. You have a whole life ahead of you and maybe work on your issues bit by bit.

Its not your fault! xoxoxx Beth

 

[Grace59]

I appreciate your reply and thank you very much.

It's just been very very frustrating and I'm not sure how to explain it to my friends. Even though we are so close, I think that my past is something that they try to understand, but it is very difficult for them (as for anyone). I just feel so awful whenever it happens and I don't know how to make it stop. It's happened with a guy I cared about as well, where I've acted out and been mean just to see if he'd leave me, because I expected and wanted him to, but at the same time I didn't.

And then, when I reflect, I'm horrified by what occurred. I want to live a happy, fulfilling life, and that's why I've continued to work on my issues so I don't follow the same path as my parents did. But, shutting down on my friend is very frustrating. I am beyond frustrated with myself. Because, I don't know how to make it stop or how to explain to her that I'm not doing it on purpose. I've told her that it's not her and it's me, and while she knows that, I'm afraid that one day she's going to be sick of the apologies.

 

[bethinhfx]

@grace 59: I understand. Its a long road! I am kind of the person who leaves my friends...so if you can learn to trust and develop friendships I think that would be time well spent. Remember, your friends aren't perfect either!!!

 

[Grace59]

I am just beyond frustrated with myself. I don't know how to explain it to my best friend as to why i get so riled up and pissed off after the misinterpretation happens. She claims that she is "joking," but because I don't interpret things the right way, I shut down. In her head, she thinks, like when she gets angry, you can feel yourself getting angry and stop the reaction. Shutting down and reacting isn't like that. When I see a certain facial expression, hear a certain tone, hear certain words or phrases -- it just happens. I shut down and react defensively. I don't know how to explain that when I get upset and I cry, it's not because of that ONE INSTANCE of acting defensively. I cry and get upset because I hoped that all of this would be over when I moved away from my mother's home and my mom stopped physically abusing me when I was 19 years old. My mother was manipulative, vindictive, and physically and emotionally abusive in every way. How can I possibly explain that to someone? That I'm crying and I get upset because I thought that all of this was supposed to be over, and when I get sensitive and defensive like that, I know it's because of my past and I have no control over these reactions.

I know I'm fairly well off. But, it doesn't matter, because I'm not where I want to be yet.
She told me that she'll "watch what she says from now on." I can't blame her for not understanding, because she doesn't get it. But sometimes it makes me feel like I shouldn't have said anything in the first place. That I shouldn't have talked to her about anything. Because this isn't fun. Reliving this through reactions isn't fun. I don't choose to react this way. I am beyond frustrated that I still have residue from what happened to me.
And I want to put my guard up and leave. And I am fighting that reaction.

 

[Tinyflame]

Grace, I get where you're coming from, and I've been at this a long time.
Your self-awareness will help you. The first part is recogizing your reaction, the second changing it.

I imagine if there weren't residual effects it wouldn't be ptsd. :(

I realize something for myself; there are triggers (as you've described), and Emotional Flasbacks, etc, and lots of fear.

There's also the complications of feelings I've felt about things in one present situation, that get carried into other situations (like the over-flowing stress cup explanation). For example, over and above past events, I may have to sleep wih one eye-open currently ('reasonable' or prudent fear, or at least expected).
But I've noticed I'll carry that fear into non-fearful situations.
Everything feels pretty fearful, then!

But there's no way to alter anything past, that is reality. It's harder to figure out how to handle the present, and what to do about it.

I think also ptsd and what is rational becomes intertwined. It is ptsd-related (how you feel, and react to triggers), but it is rational to realize people DO become sick of apologies, and maybe no longer want to accept them.

It came to me, I know I have a hard time asking for things, especially help.
But then I realized also, that I've asked for help (a lot) and received it. Something I've tried not to think of, probably, because the reminder of asking (or revealing things) makes me feel badly.
However, in the process I've missed 2 things: being sufficiently grateful for all the times of help, and secondly realizing I've asked for too much.

Not sure if this is helpful.
Best wishes to you.

 

[Magnoliagal]

Sweetie you are 21 and you've been through so much. Can you find compassion for yourself? I started therapy at the age of 33 and it took a while to learn not to react negatively to people. Even now I have to pick my friends carefully (I'm 46). I'm a 'handle with care' kind of person. I don't like people who joke a lot, people who are loud, not a fan of extroverts, etc. I like quiet, introverted people and I can only handle a few at a time.

I still overreact at times but it's a lot less than it used to be. I have learned to celebrate the victories instead of focusing on what I can't do. Beating myself up is pointless. I have ptsd from childhood abuse and all the frustration in the world isn't going to change that.

Stay the course and you will find peace. It just takes time.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Grace,

A lot of "misinterpreting" what other people say has to do with the trauma frame of reference and the resulting cognitive distortions. Another way of putting this, is people with PTSD think differently. For example, someone may make a comment, but the words, tone, and/or body language suddenly make it seem they are directing their comment at us in a personal manner. Personalizing things that should not be taken personally is a common distortion.

The best way to work on this is to have a friend or family member that is open to helping you. Next time you "hear" something and it causes distress, write down what you "think" they said. Write down all the feelings and thoughts you experience, without judging, just writing. Then ask them what they said and what they meant. See how close you were or how far you were from they actually said and meant. It is a good way to identify distortions.

The next part is the hardest part, and that is to take the time and stop and thing about what was said and what you thought. Then analyzing it to see if that was really what was intended or if you were misinterpreting. It gets much easier with practice and then you reach a point where you find you are not longer thinking that way.

Wishing you the best.

Debbie

 

[kim123]

Hi Grace, I replyed to your post as I understand how you feel. Actually, both you and me are caught in the situation concurrently. I‘m undergoing some counseller for years and also read some self-improvement books. I‘d a lots of issue to work on, just like you. And I can‘t get along with fellow colleagues, now even I in-between job - I dare not look for job. I can‘t seems to keep friends, and lets alone boyfriend. My message to you is "you are not alone". My counseller told me, "everyone has some issue and also some wound, maybe that why people tends to react in certain way where others don‘t understand". I can see that you had reponse from others member which is a good sign, cause we interpret and understand your message. Just bear in mind that each and individual are unique with their own identiy, and background, just like you and me. Hope I get my meaning across correctly.

 

[Tanishq]

Hi grace,

It happens to me most of times. I understand that it is the effect of bad relationship with your mother. I do have bad parents and their bad parenting gave me very hard time to grow on this part. Sometimes I feel I have not grown that much to communicate with people.

Sometimes I don't have a clue how I got it wrong. It fears me a lot.

I am in agreement with intothelight's post. Right and safe way will be to talk with those people who are open, kind and willing to help you. They will understand that you're experiencing this issue and help you very well.

I know this is very hard to solve and misunderstandings can make more mess than we can imagine.

 

[Tanishq]

The best way to work on this is to have a friend or family member that is open to helping you. Next time you "hear" something and it causes distress, write down what you "think" they said. Write down all the feelings and thoughts you experience, without judging, just writing. Then ask them what they said and what they meant. See how close you were or how far you were from they actually said and meant. It is a good way to identify distortions.

Thank you for posting this. I am going to follow this. :)