Mistrust in church since abuse

[Keen]

I was groomed and sexually abused by my religious leader when I was young. I belong to a Christian faith, and I'm just now realizing or making the connection that that could be why I struggle so much with my faith and trust in Jesus and in my church. My whole adult life I've been suspicious of church leaders, wondering if they're just trying to manipulate and control, never feeling safe at church. The biggest belief in Christianity is that Jesus saves us from sin and can heal us, but I have always found it really hard to believe in Him or His power, often feeling it must be a hoax. I want to remain a Christian, cause part of me believes, but it is a super big challenge every week. I've just now been wondering if my experiences of being abused by a leader who I had seen as a true follow of Christ could be causing these struggles I've been having.

Are there any other Christians (or others who can be faith-affirming even if they aren't Christian) out there who have any ideas for navigating this, working on this, resolving this, etc?
Thank you

 

[FauxLiz]

I wasn't abused by anyone in the church but I do struggle a lot with my christian faith, I don't have any answers for you are not alone in your struggle.

 

[Keen]

Thanks for the support @FauxLiz

 

[Ronin]

I'll take this from the Christ angle (since I got endless respect for Christ, Himself... it's just his Daddy and then some, in that take, I struggle with).

You could take this as the abuser being example of what false preachers are like. And the kind Jesus would have condemned, speaking in his name or not doesn't make it true, without acting well as well.

Furthermore, re Jesus healing power... you might be looking the wrong places. ;) already there: with you and strengthening the miracle you are, alive and well and still going.

 

[Friday]

There are pedophiles everywhere there are children. Churches, schools, sports, drama, playgrounds, hospitals, summer camps, sweet shops, swimming pools, etc., etc., etc.,... that doesn’t mean that any of those places are evil. To the contrary, the reason why they’re flooded with kids, to begin with, is that they’re good places that make for better lives. It’s the predators that target people that are the problem. Not the places they find their prey in.

We’re hardwired for make those associations (hot burner = burned), but they shake out wrong with trauma. Pretty dress ≠ rape, church ≠ sexual abuse, cream soda ≠ car bomb. Triggers and stressors? Are the completely wrong associations we make with bad things happening.

 

[Liljoey]

First of all, this should have never happened to you! I’m so sorry. I am a Christian who grew up with a father who was a music minister in our church, and he also happened to be a sexual predator. I never stopped believing in God, but I was very pissed off and confused for a very long time! How was I supposed to understand the father and protector side of God when I had no idea what that even looked like. I decided I was going to do things my own way, and I went through a very self destructive phase. During that phase many of my close friends were dying from drugs and suicide, but I still felt God protecting me, and fighting for me. I had several close encounters with death myself, and God always told me it wasn’t my time. After one particularly terrifying night, I decided to just cry out to God, and I just realized that I didn’t want my story to end that way. I felt like God was telling me to go back to be with my family for healing, and that’s what I did. I realized that life without God was even darker than I thought it would be. Finding a church that I felt comfortable in was impossible! So I just started with praying and reading my Bible, and just focused on trying to figure out my relationship with God apart from the church. Eventually, a lot of emotional healing happened, and I did find a church! The craziest part is that I actually married a pastor lol! What I have learned is that people suck and are sinners, and some are just evil. Church is for the hurting and the broken, but anyone in any type of leadership role in a church should be held to a higher standard. It doesn’t mean perfection, but it does mean that they need to be following God as closely as anyone else. And if that’s truly happening, then what breaks Gods heart (sexual abuse and many other things) will start to break your heart, and then there’s no room for any urge for that kind of disturbing sin. There’s so much more I could say about this, but just know that there’s evil people everywhere, and some of the most evil ones are those who use Gods name to hide their sin. I would just start talking to God. Even if you’re hurting and yelling at him. He just wants a relationship with you. In time, you’ll hear His voice in your own way. I can tell you that there are amazing pastors out there who are men of God, and my husband is one of them. I pray you find peace and healing :) and I’m here when you need someone to talk to about this very intense and complex subject matter.

 

[Sideways]

I leave God alone these days.

But I was abused by a priest, who very much relied on his position to groom me. And then some.

What he did to me, he dressed up in religious language. But it had absolutely nothing to do with Christianity or Christ.

The Church is a conduit. It's simply a means of making the most of your relationship with God. So, check out your Church. Where does the church you personally attend sit on the issue of child abuse from members of the clergy? It's totally okay to ask them, just as an interested parishioner.

Can they meaningfully show what they do to keep children safe, and pedophiles reported to police? If they can, then I reckon that's at least one reason to use their service, and their House of God, as a means to further your relationship with Him.

I think it's healthy to examine any church you decide to attend about their policies and practices. There's plenty of churches around that talk the talk, but are loaded in hypocrisy.

Not all of them though. Find a crowd that walks the walk. That puts children's safety first. If you'd like to feel closer to God, it makes perfect sense to me that you would only do that amongst people who prioritise children's safety above dogma. And you won't be the only parishioner who cares, or at least, I should hope not.

 

[Keen]

Thanks @Sideways and @Liljoey , and everyone who has replied, your thoughts and ideas have been really helpful and given me some direction!

 

[Teamwork]

I have extensive abuse from home that was religious and was removed and put into care at 12. The foster dad in the foster home I lived in was a leader in his church too . He groomed me in many ways based on having read my file and knowing my history and began sexually abusing me. One thing that remained true of me for most of my childhood was a deep faith in God. There were of course times in late adolescences that I decided God wasn’t listening at all. I’m in my 50’s now, a Sunday school teacher and leader in my churches outreach. What I see happening in the lives of the young people I work with is a lot like the way it was for me growing up. Abuse, neglect, lack of proper help from protective services. this coupled with a solid faith means I pray, watch and wait, see what God actually does. Recently I decided that God does not protect these kids any more than he protected me and I was really struggling that although I had faith and prayed, I just didn’t see the protection. I had to work it all the way through because it stemmed from childhood and beliefs about protection and fathers. It’s a huge ball to unravel. Someone on one of those prayer lines really really helped me, because I was able to get honest about what I was thinking and believing, whereas in my church circle being a leader myself I would not express my doubts and struggles. That began a deeper level of healing. Spiritual abuse is really tough to heal from. If you are still seeking, looking, learning and growing, the person who harmed you didn’t win. You are doing well to ask, knock, seek, find. The door will open! Mine just opened this year on the protection issue.

 

[user27357]

I would never tell you how you can get through this or defend your abuser in any way, please accept this as an extension to @Friday 's comments above (anywhere there are children there are abusers).

I put forward this possibility for you to consider: was your abuser also living in the rarified air of the church? Is it possible that he was led to believe that societal norms and legal constructs were second to the church's sin/repentance/forgiveness cycle? Did he allow himself to engage in activity that he knew was wrong because he also knew it happened a lot and was forgiven in the church?

My experience is just one, and admittedly I wasn't in the church very long, but I saw a very different type of "morality" on display when I was there. Boys my age engaged in acts that were hushed and tolerated, in contrast to the kids I had known all of my life before the church that frankly would never do the same things because they would have been shamed and cast out of our group if the acts were known. Teachers at the religious school were eventually found to be pedophiles, children of the leaders eventually left the church and made public their histories of abuse, and classmates grew up and entered adulthood in a society that had no tolerance for their lack of moral skills and ended up in prisons or worse. I am sure some of them stayed in the church and who knows where they ended up or what they did as adults. It was a nightmare and the source of a lot of my personal battle with PTSD, even though I left shortly after the beatings started and have been back in the world since age 14.

yes, anywhere there are children there are pedophiles. But when the children are raised in an environment where the church is the whole world and the leaders are the highest authority and everyone knows it happens and most of them think it can't be stopped and the church is willing to forgive anyway, the children are halfway groomed and the pedophiles are halfway released from guilt long before there is any interaction between them.

It is a mess. it is not your fault. you can put it behind you and find the parts you want to keep all on your own. My heart goes out to you. I wasn't sexually abused but the abuse I did suffer at the hands of the church will affect me my whole life. I hope that you can deal with what must be 1000 times worse than what happened to me and find a way to a better place.

 

[Keen]

Thank you so much @Teamwork and @enough , your thoughts and experiences and encouragement mean so much! I'm starting to feel maybe God understands if church is so triggering for me, maybe He's not waiting to punish me for not attending but compassionate about how hard it is for me to go.