Mixed signals

[desiderata310]

I tend not to post out in the open forum much often leaving much of what I have to say in my private trauma diary and leaving things at that.

This whole thing has had me a bit tied in knots .

A little backstory for those of you readers who don't know.
I decided to keep working with my same therapist even though I moved across the country. Seemed like the thing to do since I've no interest in starting over with a different therapist

My therapist has lyme disease that he mostly kicked about a year ago.


Recently I've not had an easy time of things. I would go so far as to say that this move, the changes, the new job are all kicking my ass and have left me in a very bad spot.

Our last session (via Skype) was Feb 3. I bawled the entire session. that night was very bad for me and I did something stupidly regrettable and I told him about it the next day. He asked me one question about it and then never said anything else. The next weekend, either by confusion or miscommunication or whatever- we didn't have a session. I waited on Skype for hours.

Later that week he admitted that he had been overwhelmed and felt helpless to help me when I texted him Feb 4 about my actions and that he'd also been dealing with his on depression and resurgence of the Lyme disease.

It took me finally saying I was no longer going to text him to try to set an appointment because I felt like an ass before he finally offered to meet with me very briefly this morning.

He admitted that he needed to work on not ghosting on me.

Later that evening, I asked (because well, damn, I just don't know how much I CAN tell him anymore) if it was still ok to text him between sessions if I needed to.

He said yes

I get it: it's my therapist's job to take care of himself. it is. But
A. I made it clear from the outset that I was the client that needed to know what was what. I don't believe in one way streets. If that was an issue, well, then he wasn't the therapist for me
B. I've been the one to set boundaries tighter than he would have them. Just feels safer for me. He has been the one to have left boundaries more open.

I have to wonder if I am not someone he can deal with right now. He's got a full caseload a nasty case of depression brewing along with the Lyme and then me on top. Maybe the thing to do is not to share like I usually do.

In the past, he's recommended that I tell him everything - ideation, etc. I'm not so sure that it doesn't leave him just feeling impotent and useless on top of everything else.

Maybe I shouldn't tell him those things anymore.

This is frustrating for me. I don't know where I stand and I feel like i got mixed signals this morning when I spoke to him.

 

[joeylittle]

Later that week he admitted that he had been overwhelmed and felt helpless to help me when I texted him Feb 4 about my actions and that he'd also been dealing with his on depression and resurgence of the Lyme disease.

It took me finally saying I was no longer going to text him to try to set an appointment because I felt like an ass before he finally offered to meet with me very briefly this morning.

He admitted that he needed to work on not ghosting on me.

So, in this little series of events, you and he swapped roles. You briefly became the therapist. To me, that's an indicator that it's time to start looking for a new one.

I know that's easier said than done, by far. But this:

This is frustrating for me. I don't know where I stand and I feel like i got mixed signals this morning when I spoke to him.

I'd be feeling frustrated as well. You are getting mixed signals, and it's not going to be helpful for you at all to try and navigate them.

Just a thought - is it an option for you and your therapist to transition to something more like a friendship, so you have a connection point until you can find a new therapist? I'm not sure if that would help or hurt....I could see it going both ways. But, it doesn't seem like he can be an effective therapist for what it sounds like you need. I'm hearing that you need to know you're not causing him to struggle or suffer, so you can stand a fighting chance of actually telling him the truth about what's going on with you.

(Because if you think you're stressing him out, you'll just clam up about it, and then you'll likely end up feeling even worse).

 

[EveHarrington]

It’s your job to manage your feelings/life/whatever. It’s his job to manage his. If at some point you start managing his stuff, I’d say it’s a crossing of boundaries.

 

[Suzetig]

He admitted that he needed to work on not ghosting on me.

This is a paid professional who is telling you he needs to work on not turning up for work. In any other job, they would be sacked for just not turning up.

In the past, he's recommended that I tell him everything - ideation, etc. I'm not so sure that it doesn't leave him just feeling impotent and useless on top of everything else.

I get the feeling impotent thing however, his position with you is actually no different than with any other Client. If you really were in that place, he couldn’t actually stop you. He could send emergency services, recommend helplines etc but unless he was going to physically sit with you 24/7, there’s nothing he can really do to stop you. That is no different to any other Client he has and, if he’s going to work with vulnerable people he needs to find a way to make his peace with that.

In saying that, given you told him you were struggling, to just not turn up for session (purposely if he says he ghosted you?) is professionally negligent. I’m saying that not to give him a hard time but to emphasis that what he’s dealing with in you at the moment is part and parcel of the work - it’s not you that’s stressing him out, his job is, you just happen to be part of his job.

It does sound like there’s a good relationship there though and given time and distance I wonder if @joeylittle is right, see if you can keep him less as a T and more of a friend (which honestly sounds like the relationship you’ve got with him, but are paying for). See if you can find a new T closer to home. You might find that you’re in a place now where you need someone face to face, that the distance arrangement has served its purpose now.

 

[UnicornSightings]

Yikes! That’s really tough! I agree with the others in how it sounds like you two have a great relationship but oy! I couldn’t handle knowing that stuff about my therapist. I would want to help so badly! My focus would no longer be all on my stuff. Like I’m feeling really bad for him right now lol. So yeah, I would say this sounds like a T who is trying to keep his old life together but clearly isn’t doing his best work. I suspect that this will happen again, especially if his depression or symptoms get worse. You guys have a history, I get that, but you need more support than it seems he can give you. I’d kindly let him go as my therapist, he has himself to take care of right now. Yes, that should be him deciding that but you said he’s not so great with boundaries so it kind of makes sense he wouldn’t be so great at making the call to refer you to someone more stable at the moment.

 

[desiderata310]

You briefly became the therapist. To me, that's an indicator that it's time to start looking for a new one.

This is a paid professional who is telling you he needs to work on not turning up for work. In any other job, they would be sacked for just not turning up.

This is not the first time this kind of thing has happened. When he was in the depths of the Lyme disease, he had trouble following through on communication as well. I get being sick but I'm asking for a TEXT- just saying ... I dunno... 'hang on'? 'it's time to think about going inpatient/hospital/call a hotline locally' 'f*ck off, what are you waiting on?'
Anything would have been better than the silence. I honestly thought he'd washed his hands of me. Maybe that's what he's trying to do?
I told him last night that I was anticipating him telling me that: that he was 'firing' me.

I have always said that if I left this therapist, I was quitting therapy altogether. I can't deal with the possibility of having to start over with someone else and around here I wouldn't even know where to start (yes, I know start with EAP.. blah blah blah)

Maybe it's time to just suck it up and stop therapy altogether?

 

[MyWillow]

@desiderata310 please don't take responsibility for your T's inability to support you as a professional. Doesn't mean he's not a lovely guy and has done great stuff for you to date. But he is human and it really doesn't sound like he's doing his own "work" right at this point in time. I damn well hate it when my T takes leave but deep down I know she does it regularly as a part of good self care. Which means she can come back and do what I need her to do.

I've been sucking it up for a hell of a long time and no, it doesn't work. So I would be echoing the voice of others who say it's time to look for a new T.

I really hope you can be gentle to yourself. For you are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.*

*You know I'm right :hug:

 

[Suzetig]

I have always said that if I left this therapist, I was quitting therapy altogether.

That feels like an ultimatum to yourself to make it work or else..... I wonder if giving yourself some wiggle room might make it easier for you to contemplate finding other support. Maybe “this T has worked well for me but I can’t care for him and do the work I need to, I can start to get a sense of what other Ts are out there”. So you can start googling etc to see if there’s anyone in your area.

I’m not sure an EAP is always the best place to start looking for a new T tbh, you don’t have the freedom to decide who you work with etc. You could start thinking about what kind of support you feel you need now - it might look very different to what you needed to support your move etc.

 

[desiderata310]

That feels like an ultimatum to yourself to make it work or else.....

It's honestly the way I feel about therapy in general. I've been the reluctant client all along.It's taken so much work to get to a place there I feel comfortable talking to this person I can't imagine having to start over and explain my history AGAIN and the idea of having to do it numerous times to find the 'right fit'? Not going to happen- at all.

I thought about EAP because....I was hoping to at least get a little support for all the shit I've been dealing with day to day. I'm not thrilled about that but f*ck, THIS is the extent of my support and my world keeps exploding in my face: I still don't have my belongings, one of my workers fell and broke his hand, I am in a place that is huge and overwhelming at a time of year when all my anniversaries are exploding all over the place. I'm a bit of a nasty basket case.

Maybe I just need to suck it up more and double down and keep moving. or give up or ... f*ck if I know.

 

[Tinyflame]

It's honestly the way I feel about therapy in general. I've been the reluctant client all along.It's taken so much work to get to a place there I feel comfortable talking to this person I can't imagine having to start over and explain my history AGAIN and the idea of having to do it numerous times to find the 'right fit'? Not going to happen- at all.

Totally relate to this too.

THIS is the extent of my support and my world keeps exploding in my face: I still don't have my belongings, one of my workers fell and broke his hand, I am in a place that is huge and overwhelming at a time of year when all my anniversaries are exploding all over the place.

When things are this way for me, it's a time to not choose. Stability first. The achieving of it can feel like it's all in my hands- right now-find a way. That will always end badly, for me. First, stop. Self-care. Break what needs to be done in to small pieces. Reward. Start breathing. Try to get rest. Journal if that works for you, long walk. Let what you can go, go.

Hugs @desiderata310

 

[Suzetig]

Yep, I can see how EAP would help with the immediate stuff - could you do that and not go into your history etc. I’ve used EAP for keeling me functioning without touch ching trauma and it’s worked quite well for that. Kind of a place to vent, get some support and no depth required.

 

[desiderata310]

Never mind. I don't have EAP coverage till March 1.
mother f*ckers