Mom's Mothering Is Stressing Me Out!

[anonymous]

A little background: I'm 25, and I moved across the country last year. Mom and I talk on the phone 4+ nights a week. For a little over 3 weeks now, I've been in a relationship with a young man out here, and suddenly every time Mom and I talk, it's about him.

Not only do I feel like she's pushing me to obtain information for her that I don't feel I should be asking yet (his long term dreams, in great detail), she also wants to know things that are genuinely not nearly as important to me as they are to her (how does he feel about church, is he willing to move to / closer to BC).

I've never instantly trusted anyone before, and I completely trust him. I also trust his family - even his father, and that's not usual for me. I've only known him for a month, and I've only been dating him for 3 weeks, but I already feel like I've known him forever.

I'd really like to let this progress at our pace, not hers, and I'm having trouble separating her long-distance-mother worries from past incidents of her actually making me doubt my feelings for past partners. I'm finding myself making excuses not to call or end calls early because I don't want to hear this.

Advice?

 

[Annie B]

First of all, remember that your mom loves you and gets all up in your business because she cares. Even the craziest mother can offer good advice based on life experience on occasion. The trouble is figuring out which things she says are even worth listening to, if any, haha.

Second, boundaries!! I am still working on this with my mom so I can't give you much valuable advice in this regard. I have a long way to go! I talk to my mom only once or twice a week, if that, and I screen her calls. This is actually an improvement from what it was a few years ago when she boycotted my wedding for some reason. She has a mental illness of her own so I listen to her message to get a feel for her mood. Then I call her right back if she doesn't sound needy or upset and only as soon as I feel up to it. I limit call times as well. I will usually call right before my baby gets hungry so that when he cries she doesn't get her feelings hurt when I have to go. :)

Third, don't doubt yourself! Easier said than done eh? Go at your own pace with this guy and let the relationship develop and evolve naturally. Your mom may stick her big schnoz in there but try not to let her negatively influence your decisions or doubt your self worth. This guy obvious knows you're special because he is dating you! Don't let your mom or anyone make you feel otherwise.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I feel for ya!

This is why I tell no one about any of my relationships. My mother ripped into my first boyfriend in high school and ever since then, I haven't told anyone in my family about any of the guys I've dated. I even joke (well they think it's a joke; I'm dead serious) that they'll find out about my husband after we elope! Let's just say that if they ever find out about the current guy, they will be shocked in that my life is pretty much an open book as I don't hide anything----but this.

No real advice, but I wish you the best.

 

[Candleflames]

I'd really like to let this progress at our pace, not hers

Tell her exactly that. You put it perfectly right there. Tell her you know she loves you and wants to protect you but that you need to be the one holding the reigns here. When she asks you questions that are beyond what you have gotten to tell her that you don't know, that you aren't there yet and then reiterate the above quote.

On another note moms can be nosy and ask lots of questions because they are worried about something they see going on. The excessive questioning may be a poor attempt at tact. Maybe you want to ask her if something is concerning her and remind her that if she sees or hears something that worries her, she needs to bring it up directly. This dancing around the topic isn't going to cut it. Start with the other part about pacing first.

Good luck.

 

[Orglethorp]

(I'm the OP - Didn't mean to post anonymously)

I think one if the reasons this does stress me out so much is that she has had valid concerns about ex boyfriends in the past, and she's not very blunt about it. That being said,she hasn't met him!