Monkeys driving the distorted cognition bus

[ladee]

I have shared before that I call the noise in my head, "monkey voices", referring to the constant chattering.
So, finding myself headed back into the depression. I had a few good weeks I am so grateful for. But now the numbness, the isolation, and all the signs that I am headed to the rabbit hole..
So really paying attention to the distorted cognition this time... and hopefully I won't go completely there, or won't stay as long...

Would love to hear from others what distorted cognition takes you for a ride.

psychcentral.com/lib/15-common-cognitive-distortions/

 

[ladee]

Hoping to catch the pattern, and see if it is the same every time.
Over generalization
jumping to conclusions
Emotional reasoning.
I do not consciously think these things, until the depression hits. I do many different things to stop it... meditation, grounding, ect. and it happens anyway. I can remember so many times of things going very good and would start to have this feeling moving up the back of my head...and boom ! depressed... I am so tired of this.. so hopefully I will see a pattern and it will be different this time...

 

[Kailani]

I am not sure about the exact distorted cognition but find a lot of absolutes; this always happens, things never go right.... When I get depressed I try to write it out and see if it's situational; like a bad roommate stressing me out and what steps to change; get out more, ignore.. Or job stress; prepare differently...sometimes if I am doing anything, even treating myself good; watching a fav program or even putting on a perfume or lotion it helps combat the negative mental talk. Distraction helps me wonders with the head stress. Focus on organizing... Hope something helps and makes sense!

 

[Ava Jarvis]

The distorted cognitions I can sometimes focus into what I call the Gollum voice.

They actually sound a LOT like Gollum from the movies sometimes

"You don't HAVE any friends" (but I do have friends)
"Nobody likes you" (this has been false everywhere I've been except for home)
"You're a liar and a whore" (I don't lie, and I don't have sex)

And there is other stuff it says, too, like all the predictions it makes about the future (but nobody can predict the future, not even fortune tellers, not even fortune tellers who aren't bullshitting) and telling me that I'm terrible at everything ("Sucking at something is the first step to becoming sorta good at something" as Jake the dog would say).

I read a lot of stuff as if it has negative intent. Which, sometimes it does (because some people are just assholes) and sometimes it doesn't (because I misread/misunderstood it) and sometimes it's just ignorance (but that doesn't negate pain, so I'm not gonna pretend it does).

I'm trying to do the radical acceptance thing in DBT and try to see situations as they really are, without judgement (even of myself), rather than what my brain thinks they are. My brain is doing a lot of pattern matching, which was fine when the abusive patterns were my world as a child, but those patterns no longer apply.

The sad part is I don't know if I can hold onto not being overwhelmed by the Gollum voice. Today is just a good day. Tomorrow may be entirely different and I'll have forgotten how to apply all this. Maybe it'll get better and I can more consistently do this?

I don't know.

 

[The Albatross]

Clarification please... what distorted cognitions do you identify Ladee? You are good at recognizing the cycle... but not so good at identifying ... either unable or not incline about what tripped you up.

Distorted cognitions can't really be identified by symptom characteristics.... for instance, you mention, "numbness, the isolation, and all the signs that I am headed to the rabbit hole.." yet you don't share the monkey voices... understand/sabe?

 

[ladee]

Thanks @Kailani , I do these things... but do appreciate the suggestion of lotion or perfume.. haven't thought of those.. the thing is, I don't pay any attention to the 'monkey chatter' when things are good. I seem to only focus on them after the depression is full blown.. Have been having these episodes since childhood...
@Ava Jarvis, that's the thing... unless I just stay on myself 24/7 and pay constant attention to the 'chatter', would I even know I was headed for a depression again??? It goes in cycles. And the older I've gotten, the closer together they are...
Trying to see a pattern here.. have the possibility for a job.. that sends me into anxiety hell, so maybe this was my trigger... oh well, will read what is shared here, and a pattern will show itself for me...Not like I am new at this, just have more concentrated effort this time around.

 

[ladee]

Ya @The Albatross, I listed them in another post here.
Over generalization.. " You are too old and have too many physical problems to work... you are going to die poor."
Jumping to conclusions..." No matter where you try to work, it is going to be too hard.. you are going to mess up and embarrass yourself if you have to use a cash registrar. You will never get disability, so why bother.so on and so forth with those kinds of thoughts'
Emotional reasoning....you do not deserve to have financial security. You are a burden. ect.
Is this what you mean?
Here recently it seems to be my fear of financial insecurity... no safety net, having to be dependent on people and being a burden.
Right now, I am just in the 'thinking' stages of find this answer... It feels like there is a wall between finding an answer and my thinking... hell, don't even know if I am making sense...

 

[The Albatross]

Financial insecurity is a big one for me... what evidence do you have "you are going to die poor?"

Fact based and rantional thinking, "It is irrational to think that work is not going to be hard/difficult/uncomfortable with my physical problems"... but if financial security is my priority I can find ways to provide for my financial security. ??? (edited... not fluid today, sorry)

Shame based thinking, rather than, "You are going to mess up and embarrass yourself..." "I can endeavor to do the more difficult but necessary thing and endeavor to try to work and care for myself... If I fail to succeed I'll reassess"

To thwart emotional reasoning is the easiest of all... "what evidence do I have that supports the belief that I am entitled to financial security" and paradoxically "that I do not deserve financial security (You're a burden)" What evidence (present tense, some past but no fortunetelling) do I have that I can astutely predict outcomes before I endeavor to try them and either succeed or fail?

edited dang it.

 

[The Albatross]

P.S. I am also not a candidate (nor do I want to be) for disability so I get it. BUT (Big assed but)... the distraction from the goal is the competing/self sabotaging thoughts. What/how do you counter those? What methods are you using and what isn't working/doesn't serve you? Can you endeavor to do or try something new in an attempt to achieve financial responsibility/security?

 

[ladee]

Ok, will need to read these one hundred times if not more.. so you are saying, when the 'irrational' thoughts come up... counter them with rational thoughts... more positive...???
Start building the Ark , before it starts raining,,, as opposed to how I have been doing it.. start to build the Ark after it has started raining? Am I understanding this correctly?

 

[Sideways]

Black & white, globalisation and (especially when I'm depressed) fortune telling are all big ones for me. Lots of practice and I can keep the worst of it at bay (my T might disagree there, since he's usually on the receiving end!).

But emotional reasoning is definitely my bigget culprit. Do that all the time. Some if it I can rationalise and work through. But the emotions that have a strong tie to my warped self concept are really hard to shake, because I still aren't at the point where I can rationalise my way around my self concept and the indoctrinated beliefs I carry around.

It's a work in progress. The monkeys on my bus still get waaay out of control at times!

 

[ladee]

I really haven't been countering the thoughts... such an old coping skill is going to die kicking and screaming... but I am aware now.... so simple...Instead of feeding the 'monkeys', I can feed myself?
Let me give this some thought, my brain is tired... Mama dog keeping me up during the night, and don't ever do well when not rested... But I can do this... will write these down and come up with counters.... and get back with you.. I feel a small shift in the depression... getting out of my own way perhaps??