Moonlight Madness

[Lady Moonlight]

Thanks AnD.

This weekend was just as tough. Found out Saturday morning that DH doesn't want to go to my T appointments anymore. That was really crushing. And then found out Sunday morning that he doesn't want to go to church with me anymore. And not only that, he never actually wanted to go. He was just going to "make me happy". So needless to say, he will not be joining me for any of the activities that I find important in my life. Talk about lack of support. I certainly appreciate his honesty, but I feel betrayed. Like he roped me into this, promised me to be a teammate, acted like it and now just f*ck it. I know something has to be going on with him. But this is ridiculous.
So after spending the morning crying I went to church and honestly was pretty dissociated the entire time. Took the boys home and laid down and cried. Pulled myself together to go to DH's grandma's birthday. Then came home and lay down again and played video games until the boys went to bed. Got into bed and watched mindless TV with DH until he casually let me know that his dope dealer was swinging by in a few with a delivery. And so we got into a conversation and I laid it all out on the table. He got pissed off and then we both just stopped talking. Went to bed.
Honestly, it's just going to be about me now. If he's not going to help take care of me or support me in any way, shape or form, then I'm doing it on my own. My T says that I found strength within myself when DH and I were separated. I need to find that again. Because I am pretty damn worn out and hopeless. I guess I need to reexamine myself and figure these things out. I am totally trapped in my life at the moment and I shouldn't be. I made this life with God's guidance. I made it with my own mistakes too. So there must be something I can still do. IDK how. But I'm going to start with chalking DH up to a loss and not expecting anything out of him. If I'm already doing it on my own, then I'm going to actively live as though I am on my own. He can be the dead weight until he's ready to get off his sorry butt and start changing his own life.

 

[Lady Moonlight]

My skin is crawling. I don't know if anyone else gets this with anxiety or not. My heart isn't pounding too hard. My chest isn't too tight. A little of each. But my skin is crawling like if someone were to touch me right now, I'd freak out.
I'm supposed to go get a massage later tonight. I wonder how that's gonna work out for me.
I'm just so scared right now of the future. I feel so broken. How am I supposed to go to work like this? How am I supposed to be a great mama like this? I have friends I can call. I have people I can talk to IRL. But I can't call them every day. Or lean on them every day. I do have to make it through this life by myself. But I'm scared as f*ck. I don't want to go home. What if DH isn't there? What if I get home one day and he's gone and he won't come back? I try to do everything I can correctly. I try to love him as best I can, take care of him best I can, be there for him no matter what. What if it's not good enough? What if he really changes his mind and doesn't want me anymore? What then? I guess I don't trust him right now. And I guess I have a right NOT to trust him. It's not that he's cheating. But I can't trust the words he says because he doesn't back them up. And there's nothing I can say or do. It's like suffering in silence. God, why is everything so broken right now? Why am I broken? I don't want to be broken. I want to be normal like everyone else. I'm supposed to be a survivor. A super strong woman that inspires others around her. Why can't I be that person? I want to help so many people. How can I help them if I have no one helping me? I don't have super powers. I'm not invulnerable. I'm the opposite. Weak. Pathetic. Useless.
I have to live this life on my own. I know that. But I don't want to! I don't think I even can!
God, everything hurts.

 

[Lady Moonlight]

It's a new day. I've caught some kind of cold or flu or something. So I'm going home early today.

I had my massage yesterday which helped me relax. The lady said that everything on me was tense and that I must really need this. And she gave me some ideas for things to do to try to relax at home. A bath is one. So I'm going to do that today when I get home.

I'm not as despondent today. I feel bad for putting it out there how horrible I feel. I feel guilty sharing my sad, broken thoughts and feelings. But that's what these journals are for, right? To say these things out loud in a place where I won't be judged for it?
DH stayed home with me last night. I think he will be going out today at some point. Going fishing with a friend. I don't doubt there will be booze, but this friend is going into the military. I won't say a word. It's important for him to spend time with this dude. Besides, I'll be curled up sleeping for most of the time anyways. Or cuddling with my kids and watching TV. There's nothing really to worry about.

Each day is something new. And right now, I'm just trying to survive. I love my children, my step-children, my husband. I love my friends and the few people I call family. God put all these people in my life and that's what I hold on to. I wish things were easier. I wish that I didn't have these struggles. But I do. And so I keep going. Somehow. I just keep going. I hope that one day my DH will get better. I hope he will be able to step up like he did a year and a half ago. When I lost him for 7 months, I prayed so much. I prayed for him to be okay. I prayed to let go and be free of the grief of missing him and I prayed that somehow God might bring us back together if that was His will. And He did. He brought my man back to me when I wasn't even expecting it. So I know that this trial we are going through is just a bump in the road. It's not the end. I remain terrified (as I said yesterday) that it could be the beginning of the end, but if it really was...if this was what God intended, then why bring DH back into my life?
It wasn't a story of the pathetic guy coming back begging for another chance. It was a time when we both were doing better and learning to be friends. And I sincerely love him as my best friend as well as my DH. I know there's been a lot of pain and sadness these last couple months. But I really value him and cherish that we have this relationship. I just don't know how to cope when there's pain and mistakes and frankly when he and I are both being just f*cking human. That's what I don't know what to do with.

I have to keep trying. Quietly trying to love him as best I can. What else can I do?

 

[Lady Moonlight]

A new day. A quieter day of anxiety, only a bit leaving the house this morning. I'm still pretty sick.
DH and I have been getting along the last couple days. I'm still really sad about his lack of support, but I'll get over it. I guess, anyways. He's calmed down on the drinking. Still every day, but less. And less other stuff too. I think that helps. His attitude is always better when he doesn't use that sh*t.

I did NOT get to take my bath yesterday but I lay down all afternoon and evening. Almost slept too. DH made dinner which was really nice. I don't have a lot of homework or anything at the moment. So I think I'm going to rest some more and read one of my books on PTSD. Well, it's about breaking trauma bonds. I also have my workbook. I want to start going through that too. I'll be really glad to see my T this weekend. I'm always glad to see her. But I think it will be good. I still have a lot in the back of my mind always thinking thinking thinking. I wish I could shut my brain off for a little while.

Anyways, like I said, things are calmer. If things stay settled, maybe I can go back to my story.

 

[Lady Moonlight]

Last night was...really tough to say the least. DH and I played video games together. I think he was trying to reach out. But he didn't want to play anything I offered only his. So I still felt sad.
After everything we've been through, I don't know why he's being this way or if he was always this way and I just didn't notice. He fell asleep early and I stayed up late vaguely watching TV. And I just broke down and cried. I just couldn't stop, and I cried myself to sleep. He slept through the whole thing, completely oblivious. I had a terrible dream. He had found another woman he wanted to sleep with. Basically he was planning on cheating with me, but wasn't going to leave me. I confronted him. He just said that he was going to do this and it was my problem. Just deal with it. He didn't even care how devastated I was. And honestly, I think it's just a confirmation of all that's happened in the last week. He's going to do what he's going to do and I just have to deal with it. Alone. And he doesn't care.
I woke up shaking and crying. He woke up and tried to comfort me. But when I told him the dream, he just said that he would never cheat on me. But it wasn't the cheating that even hurt. It was the dismissal of my own feelings.
I feel there is a giant wall between us. I don't know what to do. He doesn't care and there is absolutely nothing I can do to change that. I keep wondering why I married him. He's supposed to be my best friend. But his actions are not of someone I would want to be friends with. The "my way or the highway" attitude just kills me.
Idk. I'm just going to keep surviving I guess. That seems so...sad. Everything is just sad now. What is there to be happy about? I wish I didn't have all the kids this weekend. I'm really not up for taking care of all of them and pretending like everything is wonderful. It's not. Everything is tainted with badness. Even going to church. No matter what I do or where I go, I can't share it with him anymore. So how is there joy in that? It's grief instead. I can go and worship and feel the power of the Lord, but without my husband, it seems gray. Not pointless, but more empty. Exactly WHY am I still here? WHY am I still doing everything I do? I just don't know. I just don't know.

 

[Lady Moonlight]

Same. Everything is the same. Last night, after being blatantly asked for pleasure, I asked "What about me?" And the response was "Oh, you want a BJ too?" *sigh*
So after it was taken care of, I rolled over to go to sleep. I was too upset, so I waited til I thought he was asleep. Then I got up to go sleep on the couch. But he wasn't asleep.
So he's "frustrated" today because he can't see what he did wrong and I won't talk to him about anything.
Yeah, he's right. I won't talk to him. He didn't really do anything wrong. But after almost a month now of pain, rejection and grief, I can't talk to him. I don't want to open up to him. All it seems to lead to is his outbursts, negative comments, overreactions and ultimately rejection. SO WHY DO I WANT TO DO THAT???? Yes. Let's make this worse. THATS A GREAT IDEA!!!!!!!!

My T says he has PTSD too, or a form of it. He's had a pretty hard life and been through a lot of things. So I feel trapped in this insanity of being both a supporter and a sufferer. I really do love him. And not in the lovey dovey way. He's treated me like sh*t in a lot of ways, but I won't leave him. He deserves a woman's love for a change. But it's a horrible, thankless, depressing task. I'm extraordinarily lonely. I don't know how to change that.

I need to somehow get my energy up and clean my house. I need to dig out my 5HTP (or whatever it's called) and start taking those. I need to do a lot of things. But as I said before, everything seems gray and pointless. I feel another sh*tty weekend coming. I wish I could just take my boys and go stay with my cousins. But they all live in one house and it's like a hoarder house. There's really no room for us there. IDK. I need to go somewhere. I need to get out of this insanity for a minute so I can think. Or maybe NOT think.

I wonder when this will end. Will it ever go back to being normal? To being good? I don't know. Everything is so damn broken and I feel like I broke it, but I don't think I did. I'd like to blame myself (something I'm good at), but no, not this time. Not this time.

 

[Lady Moonlight]

Today's song is Skyscraper by Demi Lovato.
If you haven't heard it, listen to it. It's pretty d*mn spot on. I just keep playing it over and over on repeat.

When my mind can settle, I am going to get back up again. I always do. It just takes time. I think I need to remember that sometimes cuz I forget. This isn't the end yet.

 

[Lady Moonlight]

Another weekend gone. I spend all week wishing not to be at work (I loathe my job) and longing for the weekend. But it comes and it's a different kind of bad. This weekend I was triggered because my BFF neighbor decided to have a barbecue and a fire. But the fire and the strangers were upsetting me. I tried not to be out there, but then DH was mad because I wasn't helping with all the kids and he was grilling. I kept going for walks around the block and calling my favorite people. Then I had to leave for my Japanese lesson, leaving him again with the kids to make s'mores and get them all in the shower. Which he did. But he was very unpleasant when I got home and went to sleep immediately (though how much beer was in his system is unknown).
Sunday I woke up feeling angry because I knew I was going to church alone. He asked if I would take one of his 3 and I said no.
He just walked away. I don't think it's fair that I take only one of the kids. I am taking my two but I don't have room in the car for 3 more. So no, I'm not going to choose 1 of his to take. That's unfair. And he should be going with me.

But I got to church and my ex-father -in-law (who I am rebuilding a relationship with because my own dad passed) was there and he wanted to sit with me and the boys. So that was really nice. And lots of people talked to me too. Just people I sort of know and they brought up the point that our church is a community and that we don't need to suffer alone. I hadn't even said I was suffering. It was really a wonderful time and I am so happy I went.
When I got home, DH was a complete A**hole. He had a migraine. But even so, just a complete jerk. This has not stopped. All day he was just awful. So I did the only thing I could think of. Use all my positive energy from church to be loving and kind to him, the neighbor and all the kids. I can't say it did anything, but it may have buffered his negative energy and protected the kids some, which I try to do as much as possible.

That was it. That was the whole weekend. Now it's a new day and he's in an even worse mood (if that's possible). So tonight should be fun after work. The weird thing is that I should be afraid of this. His anger is what terrifies me the most. But I'm not scared at all. I think maybe he broke me enough that I built enough walls to protect myself against it. Not sure. Just a theory.

 

[Lady Moonlight]

Abandonment. This is my biggest issue and the scariest one. I have spend a great deal of time alone. Whether it was as a child with no friends, a teen who preferred to isolate or an adult trapped in an empty marriage. Being left by my dad and being cared for by my emotionally unavailable mother. Friends who were friend because I helped them but deserted me in my time of need.
This is the story of my life. I am a survivor.

Now my second husband has completely abandoned me emotionally. Yesterday we hardly talked. Today will probably be more of the same. I talked to my cousin for an hour and a half on the phone. We talked all about him because she is actually his cousin, but "adopted" me into the family after he dumped me two years ago. She really made some things make sense. And she was really understanding about everything which is exactly what I needed.
Right now, I need to lean on all my friends and family. I need to show DH that no matter what he does to knock me down, I'm getting up again. I am strong enough. And I need to show him that no matter what he says or does, I'm not leaving and I'm not giving up. Because every other female in his life HAS. And I'M NOT THEM.
I will stay. I will find ways to take care of myself within this marriage since he won't do anything. And I'll keep giving my 100%. I'm going to do my part, so that if this relationship does end, I will have a good conscience about knowing that I did all I could. And it will not be on me.
I did a great job destroying my previous marriage out of desperation. That will not happen again. But I don't know that this marriage is going to work. I really don't. And I think I said it in previous posts. I just hope it lasts long enough until the kids are all grown. That's 12 years. That's actually about how long my first one lasted. That's all I ask. And it's for the kids. I love my DH dearly, despite all this. But as far as I can see, he doesn't love me. He says it, but he doesn't act it. And so I don't believe it. And little by little, day by day, I will learn to accept that.
I must be an unlovable person in some ways that I ended up with 2 husbands that don't actually love me. It's sad, really. But I'm going to love myself and take care of myself and continue to grow. I want to be an amazing person when I get older and help many people and change lives. Nothing anyone does should be allowed to get in the way of that. Nothing anyone says should be allowed to take that away from me.
When we broke up, I came to the conclusion that I could not be free to help others when I was being destroyed under his thumb. He was holding me back. Even though we are back together, why should I allow that to change? I can still make the world a better place.

 

[Lady Moonlight]

Someone on one of the boards here mentioned Blue October. I've listened to a couple of their songs. Today I found the song "Fear". I think it's going to be my anthem. I posted it on my Facebook as my song of the day because it is exactly what I need to hear today. <3

 

[Lady Moonlight]

Well, at the end of the day yesterday, I was driving home from work and I was so scared to go home. Just terrified. DH has been so closed off and angry and spiteful. I just didn't want to go home. I was afraid he was going to blow up at me again or say something dismissive. Or worse, that he wouldn't be there but be at the bar or someone's house where he can get all f*cked up.

But he was home. So I felt better and worse at the same time. I went into the house and faced my fear. I found him in bed (not surprised) watching TV (also not surprised). But he didn't seem too angry. So we talked a minute and exchanged a hug and kiss. He just looked so sad. I don't know why. And that really hasn't stopped. Today he's back at work and he's just depressed I guess. But I finally did talk to him last night a bit and he feels he should be a financial provider for me. Like it would make me happy. And in a way, I'm sure it would. But honestly, what would make me happy is to have my loving, willing, partner participate in my life again.

So, on that note, here's what happened about 2 years ago that really set off my journey to a diagnosis and recovery.

I met my husband online after separating from my ex. It was a messy separation (though an easy divorce. Er, easy enough). At the time, I was working 3 jobs all part-time and barely surviving. But DH was very considerate and kind. He wasn't working a lot either. He had roommates in the house he was living in. Well, about 3 months in, his roommates had some serious drama and they moved out, leaving DH without a roommate or really any way to pay rent. Around the same time, my ex was gunning to kick me out of the house since I was having trouble paying the mortgage and he wanted the house. (he also threatened to take the house and kids away from me. So I made a deal, he keeps the house and I keep the kids. This has actually really worked out).

So a couple months after this, I moved with the kids in with DH. At first, everything was wonderful. We paid our rent. We enjoyed our evenings together. We would do our own separate things and together things. And then he went to finalize his divorce. And ever after that, he became sullen, withdrawn and started drinking. All. The. Time. And I started getting really worried. He became withdrawn and would go out to the bar every day. We started fighting about everything. Finally, one morning we were texting a fight and I told him I didn't want to do this anymore. And he was so furious. Basically I broke up with him via text. When we both got home, I apologized and said I didn't mean it. That I loved him (which I did and still do). But I need him to be home and a part of the family. And while he took me back, it wasn't the same. About 2 months after, he dumped me one morning. Told me he never wanted a family, never wanted me to move in and wanted to be free to live his own life. He didn't love me anymore.

I was broken. Beyond broken. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't function. Already I had been having severe anxiety because he wouldn't come home. And when he would, he was drunk and verbally abusive. Angry at me all the time no matter what I did. He really took it out on me. I was hyper-vigilant, had insomnia, anxious, depressed and scared. I was terrified to come home.
I quickly put together a plan the day he dumped me. I called a therapist. I called and made appointments to look at apartments. I called my ex. And still had to go to work. It was torturous. After all that, I was allowed to fall apart. I cried. I begged. I pleaded, but he wouldn't change his mind. He. Didn't. Want. Me. The biggest and worst issue I struggle with every day. Growing up with parents that were frustrated and annoyed with me, my dad who left me, kids at school who didn't want to be my friend, friends I had lost over the years, my ex who didn't want me because of the things I had done (another story for another day) and had found someone else he could actually love, the death of my dad, the shunning of my families...all of them. I had nothing. And now, the man I loved dearly, the one that I came to understand the true meaning of love and sacrifice and commitment was rejecting me. Abandoning me. It was more than I could fathom.

The PTSD took over. I was terrified. We still fought on and off, even after I moved out. He was hateful. Spiteful. Poured guilt on me like it was my fault. And apathetic of my feelings. I was scared of running into him. I was scared of talking to him. I was scared, scared, scared. I was afraid he would find out where I live and come to rape me (we had had some violent sex and there was a time after we broke up that he had some very angry sex that really hurt me). I was scared when people would call that he knew that he had taken their phones and was trying to call me to punish me some more.
The irrational fears and feelings of PTSD.

I can't tell you why he treated me this way at that time. My own suspicions are that he has PTSD too as well as other things going on. And that after the divorce, he started getting set off. And the drinking made him irrational and angry.
What I found later was that after he dumped me, he felt so guilty but he didn't want to take me back. He knew he was hurting me too much. He also has so many issues that pushing people away is a common thing for him. And sometimes he does it in a really mean way.
That being said, I see a lot of similarities in his behavior now to how it was back then. He's sliding down that road again and pushing again pretty hard. But I won't give up. He is convinced (somewhere in his mind) that if he pushes hard enough, he can push me away proving that I'm like all the women he's been with. But I won't let it happen. I can give him the space he needs. But I'm not giving up. I will stay and wait, even if I have to be separate. And yes, I am absolutely grieving over this. And I hate it. And I don't want it to be like this. But I f*cking love this man. And I will keep getting up and I will keep being me and I will keep loving him, no matter what.

 

[Lady Moonlight]

Well, this just happened. DH came in from the job into the office. And another tech came in. The other tech was away on a work trip. Started telling me about their adventure to the strip club. Didn't really want to hear about it. Then he started in on how much they were drinking and the fear took over. Heart started racing. Palms sweaty. I wanted him to stop talking, but I couldn't think of anything to say. So I just said "wow, that's crazy". I just wanted him to shut up.
As soon as he left, I put my head on the desk. I asked DH for a hug and he came and gave me one. Said "I guess it's good I didn't go on that trip." and all I could say was "yeah". I still feel so sick and shaky. I just want to go home. But I'm stuck here for 3 hours yet. I feel like puking my guts out everywhere. Why can't I be normal like other people? It's just alcohol. But I was getting flashes of DH and all his drinking. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to remember. I'm trying to block them out. But my body and mind don't want me too. My arms hurt and my stomach hurts. This seems so stupid. I know in my head that this is stupid. But I feel sick anyways. I just want to go home and be held and cry it all out again all over again. I hate this.