Moonlight Madness

[Lady Moonlight]

Well, I haven't kept a diary since I was a kid. It was mostly filled with silly secrets like who I had a crush on. While I've always enjoyed writing (i.e. my teen angst stories of high school), writing for personal thought processing has never been something I've been very...active at. But since this is online, there is suddenly the option of whatever whenever.
So without further ado...

PTSD... this is not a diagnosis I would have ever thought for myself. Bipolar, maybe. Depression, yes. Anxiety, yes. But PTSD? I thought it was something where you hide under the table when a loud noise happens (much like my autistic son used to do). Now, of course, I know that's not at all what it's like. What it's really like is to wake up in the night terrified of footsteps that aren't there. It's trying everything to fall asleep, but watching the clock instead. It's hearing a word or a song or feeling the wind blow a certain way or smelling that stale smell of beer and my chest seizes up and my body stops working and feeling that sense of doom. Panicking driving into work. Or worse, panicking driving home.
I don't know how to cope well. I'm told to breathe. It seems like everyone tells me to breathe. Don't they realize that every breath feels like I'm suffocating? Each one, ragged and shaky and agonizing? Sometimes I wish I could stop breathing at all. Stop breathing, stop eating, stop everything. Stop existing. Yes, I used to be suicidal. And yes sometimes I do still think about it. But after 20 years of suicidal thoughts, I don't really feel like I'll go through with it. Just another ghost to haunt me in my mind.

I think if I'm ever going to define exactly where this came from, I'm going to have to start from the beginning to tell the story. But that will have to wait until tomorrow.

 

[ladee]

Take your time doing this... take breaks between posts, start threads if you have questions... it's not easy, but none of this thing called PTSD in easy.
Great start to your diary... be very kind to yourself... and yes, breathe..

 

[Lady Moonlight]

Take your time doing this... take breaks between posts, start threads if you have questions... it's not e...

Thank you, Ladee. I really need someplace to be able to say things and be safe. Though it's only my second day, my impression is that it is indeed safe here.

 

[Lady Moonlight]

I don't have memories like other people suffering do. I don't get the flashbacks. Well, not often. I've had a couple but that was 2 years ago. What I find instead is that I simply don't remember things. My timescale in my head starts about when I was 8, when my dad left.
Before that, my memories include my mom screaming and hitting my dad. My sister suffocating me with a pillow and laughing because I was scared. Having the stomach flu. Riding in the car on a family trip. One Christmas. Having devotion time at the table. I wonder if the memories are gone or blocked. I really can't say. But for me, when things start being clear is the night my dad moved out. My mom sat in a chair and cried. And my sisters and I rode with my dad to the city to bring his things to his new apartment. It smelled like fresh paint, really strong. Everything was teal. And I watched a movie while my sisters (who were 17 and 18) helped my dad with his things. I don't remember getting there. I only remember my mom's tears and then suddenly being there.
I grew up in the church. We always went. Even after my dad left, we usually went. But this post isn't about faith. My dad came out as gay. And somehow, ever after that, I think my family must have been black-listed. Certainly we were by our other family members. My sisters and I were pretty separated from the rest of the family (both sides). This never changed. To this day, I have no relationship with any living family member besides my mother and my middle sister. My Daddy has passed away. My older sister is schizophrenic and lives in a nursing home in a beat down neighborhood in the city. The rest of my family never speaks to me. Ever. And I have given up any effort to maintain a relationship because I don't have time for that fake bull.

After my dad left, I was put in private Christian school, surrounded by the most un-Christian kids I have ever met. I had no friends for months. Clearly I was poor. And nerdy. And no one wanted to associate with a grungy little kid like me. Finally, I made a friend. She was nice to me. We played together and hung out. But it quickly turned to "her way or the highway". And I just didn't really know what to do. The rest of the kids teased me relentlessly. Sometimes every day. Or they just ignored me. Or laughed at me. This is really a summary of the next 4 years until I graduated. My mom begged me to see the school counselor. She would bribe me with Beanie Babies. But I hated him. He was creepy. I didn't want to talk to him. The kids teased me that I went to him. I hated it.

My dad was in my life. I saw him every Saturday. I took the train with my sister into the city because she worked downtown. My dad would meet us at the station and then we would spend the day together. I used to be allowed to spend the night. But after awhile, my dad moved in with a man. After that, I wasn't allowed to stay down there anymore.

This was my life. Bullied. Alone most of the time. I got sick a lot. I did gain a couple friends. But by 8th grade, I really only had 1 who was real. She was a very nice girl. We went to church together and school. We sometimes spent every day together in the summer and sometimes after school times too. The other kids one day ganged up on us. We went on a field trip and one of the popular girls asked me if my friends and I were lesbian lovers. And all the kids followed suit. In fact, the whole bus ride home I had pretty much every guy in class ask to be my boyfriend. Just because they didn't mean it. Just because they thought I was a lesbian. Just because, I guess.

That was the year I became suicidal. When the thoughts started and wouldn't go away. I was worthless. My mom too busy to see me. My dad far away in the city. And only 1 friend to help me.

 

[ladee]

Great start to your diary. Be kind to yourself.. have some self care planned after writing, it helps.

Reading and supporting you.

 

[Lady Moonlight]

Had a really horrible night last night. Husband was drinking. Not heavily, but it's been setting me off all week. And I had a really bad meltdown. My first instance of self-harm in a long time. Today I just feel dead inside. I don't really feel like posting past history stuff. I just wish it would stop hurting now. Every day. Day in and day out. I called my friend bawling my eyes out, panicking, screaming. I really don't want to do this anymore. I'm not in a crisis right now. I read the rules. That's not what this is. But things are really hopeless. As his drinking and marijuana use increases, my sense of safety decreases. I tried to explain it last night when I could finally talk. He doesn't see the problem. And somehow, "I love you" doesn't seem to mean much to me right now. I give all my energy and time to work my a$$ off to provide for us (he's laid off), I cook, I clean (though not lately). I have homework. Kids. I try so damn hard to make everything nice for us. For everyone. And generally I just get a lack of gratitude. Found out my step-daughter is resentful because she wasn't given a bed 3 years ago. I moved in. He gets his kids every other weekend. And apparently my kids took "her room" and then I bought my boys bunk beds and didn't buy any of his kids beds. She's been resentful of my kids for 3 YEARS. She's 12. Like apparently we got in the way. I swear to God, I'm a burden and nuisance wherever I go. I really don't see the point of anything I've done so far. Everything is just BS. It's all lies. People are a bunch of self-serving, lying A-holes. They've just used me all up. And I can't take any more. Just leave me the hell alone.
I don't know if anyone reading this has seen the video "Unsteady" by X Ambassadors. Lyrics and Video are pretty spot on. Maybe it won't make sense because it seems like more from a child's perspective. But half the time, when I'm scared, I feel like a child anyways. I'm just trying to make it through today. And tomorrow I will try to make it through tomorrow.

 

[Lady Moonlight]

After finishing out the week, things are calmer. I am calmer. My husband has been more than patient with me and very loving. We've talked some. I also was able to see my T. She and I talked too about all kinds of things and I told her everything that has happened. She feels I may need to start medication again. I hate the meds though. They don't work well with my body. Plus with my ulcers, any pills tend to upset my stomach.

We had all the kids this weekend (5 total all 12 and under). It was pretty rough on Friday and even Saturday. I was exhausted. But Sunday we skipped church and took them all fishing. And everyone caught a fish. I swear it was a miracle. But being out in the sun and being with the family...I think it really helped. I still had a paper to write for school. I didn't even start it until 7pm last night. But I finished it. And I feel good about it. Of course, I had nightmares all night. I don't really remember everything, but I know one of them was that I failed the paper. I think maybe another one featured people dying. Maybe I was being chased. I can't quite remember anymore and I don't think I want to.
Went to bed in a positive mood. Woke up with dread and anxiety. Don't want to go to work. Husband is laid off (from the company I work at). So he stays home all day and I work to support us. He doesn't usually do a lot to help around the house either. It's really stressful sometimes. But last Friday he cleaned the bathroom and vacuumed and did laundry and dishes and mowed the lawn. All without my asking. I think he knew how bad things were for me. He says he believes that I'm going to be okay and that we will get through this. I don't know how he can think that. I say it because if I don't say it aloud, I won't believe it. Even then, I hardly do. I worry all the time that he will leave me. He did before. I don't want that to happen again.

T says that I need to stop burdening myself with his problems. But that's really hard. I want him to be happy. I want him to enjoy his life and feel secure. And I'm his wife. Don't we shoulder burdens together? I mean, yes his stress absolutely wears me thin. But part of my role as wife is to love, support and take care of him. So...???

No school this week for me. I have one week off before my summer classes start. I am going to enjoy the F### out of this week!! There are boxes to unpack and things to do. But now I can do them without assignments hanging over my head. Wish me luck!!

 

[Lady Moonlight]

Well, it's a new day. Now DH (dear husband) is sick. So I came home and of course he hadn't left the bed all day. I made him some soup and went upstairs to be with my kids. He's always got some ailment. Migraines, toothache, backache, neckache, etc. etc. I understand that we are getting older. But it seems he always has a reason to lay down and be away from us. IDK. Sometimes, I really don't know why he married me. To make me happy? That's not really the point of marriage. It's supposed to be a partnership with two people working together to make the house a home. But whatever. This morning, my son wrote on the steam in the bathroom mirror: "I love Mommy and *****. It made me sad. I wanted to wipe it off today.
A year ago, the ex-wife filed an EOP against DH. He's not abusive. There was no reason for it other than she doesn't want to deal with him anymore and continues to look for ways out of it. At that time, he said he was going to put more effort into my kids and really wanted to step up as a step-dad. But now...I think he's just depressed. He has no motivation. He says it's from being laid off. But I don't believe it. Because when he is working, he comes home from work and goes to bed right away. Every day. He gets up at 6am, goes to work, gets home from work at 4, falls asleep and STAYS asleep until 6 the next morning. So why did he marry me? For the free housing? Free food? I don't even know, but I'm convinced now that he doesn't love me. Possibly never really has. I've tried to be understanding. I've tried to really make it work. But after last week, I saw how much more alcohol and weed are more important than I am. Than the family is. And IDK, I guess I'm just shutting that part of me off. Close it off so it doesn't hurt anymore. I'm still having anxiety, but a lot of me feels numb. And defeated. Mostly defeated, actually. But at least the pain of defeat isn't eating away my mind today.
I've been through this before. A loveless marriage. I really had hoped that it wouldn't be this way. It's been not even 4 months of marriage. And this is what I get. And when my children are grown, I'll buy my own house with my own money. And by then, I'll be too old for crazy partying and self-destruction. I'll be too old. So I will live contently in my little house alone, working as a doula. I can take as many clients as I want. Work as many overnights as I want.
I'm only 10 years away from that. I'm going to save what I can and make it a reality. I really don't have anything else to look to right now. God put me here. I will stay here. And when my responsibilities here are done, I will move on.
I always am just a chapter in someone's book, after all.

 

[Lady Moonlight]

Well, here we are. Another day.

I'll go back to my actual story now and not the ongoing drama of DH and I. (Cuz it's ongoing for sure. Just saw an old video on FB that DH was tagged in doing a ski shot. Now my palms are sweating, my heart is racing. This is FUN!! >_<)

After I finally graduated grade school, I started fresh in high school. My only friend had a friend and she had friends and so forth. So I made a group of friends pretty quickly. We were the outcasts of school. This remained until I graduated, unsurprisingly. My sophomore year, I started crushing on this guy, "K". K and I had a couple classes together and study hall. We talked every day and really started liking each other. So, in proper form, I invited him along with my other friends on a youth retreat. Guess what happened? Did we start dating? Nope! He started dating one of my close friends instead. Which, for a teen, is pretty much the end of existence. Ha. And boy did I not recover from that. It was in this time that I had my first instance of physical self-harm. But I stayed his friend and her friend (somehow, despite the immense betrayal I felt). And after she dumped him, I stayed with him to comfort him. And we started dating.
Now according to K, he did this because he felt obligated to. That he was making right the wrong he did to me. So with that in mind (and I had no clue), we got married about 2 years out of high school. And immediately I was pregnant.
Should we have married? Absolutely not. Apparently, he didn't love me, despite crying every time I tried to break up with him in those several years together. And I was unhappy overall. He loved his video games more than me. This did not change. In fact, my life was spent working, cooking, cleaning and child-rearing daily while he worked and then played games or ignored me while reading things on car forums and video game forums and whatever else he could get his hands on. This is apparently what marriage is.

The birth of my first son was horribly traumatic. I was 20. The staff was not communicative. I started having fetal distress as soon as they broke my water. They didn't tell me this. Just shoved oxygen in my face and rolled me on my side. I wasn't allowed out of bed or to really do anything. And I started panicking. And that REALLY got his HR down. I couldn't breathe and neither could he.
They came in and said they were doing a c-section. I didn't want surgery! I felt invaded enough as it was! The staff was impatient and told K to make me shut up and sign the papers. The doctor told me if we didn't operate, my son would have brain damage.
Panic attack after panic attack. Still in labor. I signed the papers and they took me back for the epidural.
By this time, I was hopeless. After that type of hysteria, the weight of depression and exhaustion took over. I told the anesthesiologist to put me under and not bring me back up. Of course, he wouldn't use the general stuff. I got stuck with the epidural (which by the way i have permanent numb areas in my back from). They put me on the table and did their thing.

My son was born. They showed his face to me and then took him away. And then my back hurt and I started panicking again and they knocked me out. I woke up in recovery. Everyone got to hold my baby and see my baby. And I was nowhere near my baby. In fact, after recovery, they stuck me in a room alone. They wouldn't bring him to me. I stayed awake all night waiting. About 4 in the morning (I had the section around 9), the nurse came in and I begged her to hold my baby. She finally brought him in and let me hold him for a few minutes. I was not allowed to breastfeed him because I was on morphine. (which is actually BS). Then they took him away and I was left alone. I laid there. They would come in and roll me around from side to side. Everything was terribly painful. I was alone and it was dark.
I called K in the morning to come be with me. He was supposed to work, but I remember him coming. They brought the baby in from time to time, but only for a bit at a time.
Eventually, I told them to get rid of the morphine so I could feed him. Eventually I had another room, a nicer room. And then I went home.
When I got home, the house was a mess. My ex continued his ways. He never got up with the baby. And I was recovering from surgery. I couldn't clean. So my mom came over and cleaned. She came and took care of me, even though she hardly had time. Slowly I got better. But my post-partum depression settled in nicely and I was not well.

 

[Lady Moonlight]

I'm sad today. I'm sad that this has flared up again. It doesn't seem to be greatly affecting my job, but I have a sneaky suspicion it's affecting my relationships. I don't want to talk to my friends or family about it really. I certainly can't talk to DH about it. Whenever I do, he doesn't understand. He's gone to therapy with me a few times, but when we go together, he mostly talks about himself and what's going on with his life. We don't really discuss how this affects him.
He says he's concerned. Probably why he's distant. I feel like there are walls between us. And every time I get triggered I shut down. And every time I shut down, he gets more distant. Idk. It's just SAD. He doesn't spend time with us. He just lays in bed every evening watching TV. So the boys and I hang out together upstairs and he just...doesn't. I feel like I'm cursed. Like I find guys who actually don't believe in family time or want that. I know he's got his own issues with family. But it's not much of an example to my boys on how to bond with their children. Between him, K and T (K's new wife)... I feel like these boys are gonna grow up all screwed up. And since my oldest has autism, that's already a challenge to help him be a functional person.
Why is this a battle? What am I even fighting for? I feel like I'm fighting for my own sanity these days.

 

[Lady Moonlight]

Ugh, DH and I just had a talk. It was via text. It was a good talk, but I don't feel better. He told me today he went fishing with a female friend of his and it set me off. I'm at work right now too. NOT a good time to have that happen. I was trying so hard not to completely flip out. But it led to us talking. Which is good. I tried to be honest. He did too. I always say too much though. Like I prattle on and on and he doesn't say much in return. I feel bad about that. I know he has issues. He's a good man though, underneath. Just has a lot of damage. We both do. It's really sucky. I wish I could change it all and heal us both. I wish I had the power to do that. Of course, I'm not God so I can't. But I wish I could. Human limitations suck. PTSD sucks. I wonder if there will ever be a day before I die that I'm not like this. A day without anxiety. A day of relief and joy and beauty. Everything is so dark right now. :sorry:

 

[AnD]

I see you suffering and wish you the very best