Moonlight Madness

[Lady Moonlight]

So, an odd thing happened. Yesterday morning, when I left the house, there were 5 beers in the fridge. When I came home, there was 1 beer. DH had been home for maybe 3 hours alone. But he didn't smell like beer at all. I didn't see any open cans. I have no f*cking clue where this beer went. It kind of freaks me out. Because either he drank it and hid the smell and cans (but I would still notice the empty fridge!!) or he dumped them (but left one??) or he gave them away (but the neighbor friends weren't home??). Sooooooo...... I'm so confused. I don't know what to think actually.

Additionally, I had bought DH concert tickets yesterday and a card. But when I got home, he was in a really good mood already (hadn't surprised him yet). I can't figure that either. He was just so cheerful and helpful, even after working all day. I went and got my nails done with the neighbor (a real treat because I get them done maybe once or twice a year if that). And then came home and spent a really nice night watching a movie and cuddling with DH. There was no fighting. There was no aggression. It was really nice and really home-y and felt so much like before things were bad.
So...why do I feel on edge? I feel like even though we had this wonderful evening, he could have a headache today and be a complete d*ck when I get home. He could blow me off again at any minute. I don't want to get my hopes up. And to have him be so nice and loving, it feels strange after weeks of angst.

DH did like his card though. I hate buying cards because they often seem so fake to me. But this one that I found said everything I wanted to say. Things like: times are tough right now, but I love you and we are going to work through this together.
Which is really how I feel (most of the time, lol).

I really like my plan of doing things for myself. Even though I have some homework and other responsibilities hanging over my head (that I will take care of tonight I promise), it is really nice to stop sacrificing myself into tiny pieces to please everyone and enjoy my hobbies and enjoy my kids and enjoy my friends. I have a few very wonderful people IRL who are major supporters for me. And even though none of them really have experience with PTSD, they are all open and willing to listen to all my craziness, help me calm down and help me think things through logically and win over the emotions. I'm really lucky, I guess. Lucky or blessed or both. And I'm glad that I have been reaching out. Because these few people do not reject or abandon me. Even though it's only a few (like 3-4), that's enough. And it compensates for the lack of support from DH.
Isn't that funny? It takes 4 people to compensate for 1 person. Am I expecting too much from DH then?? Or does he just mean that f*cking much to me?

Anyways, I am NOT looking forward to Saturday. It will be a trip to T by myself and DH will most likely be getting sh*tfaced with his friends. I need to find a safe place to go to be away from that.

He's never beaten me. He's been rough with me. He's been violent and shameful sexually a few times in the past. But he's never beaten me. Why is it so scary when he's drunk? I'm either terrified, disgusted or both. And this is the man I love. To have those feelings...it's sad.

 

[One step at a time]

Hi, I just caught up reading what you wrote so far.
Feeling love for a person is definitely not the same as liking the way they act, and it makes total sense that DH's relationship with alcohol terrifies you.

I know you're hurting a lot. You're also hardworking and persistent, and that makes you brave. I really admire you for fighting so hard for yourself, your kids, your life.

Sending support, and a hug if you want it.

 

[Lady Moonlight]

Thank you so much for the support and the hug!!! I really really appreciate it!

I sometimes feel confused by this love that I have. It is, in my mind, truly unconditional. For all that he has said and done to hurt me, for all that I have prayed to stop loving him (before we married and were broken up), for all that I have tried to move on, my love for him stayed put and, rather than diminishing got significantly stronger. I know I get angry and sometimes talk perhaps unkindly out of anger. But I still have a deep-rooted appreciation for him with gratitude and care and concern. I still have that love and it doesn't feel like butterflies. It feels...different. And yes, I definitely have some attachment and codependency issues too. Haha.
But I think being aware of this love for him scares me sometimes too. What if it isn't love? What if it's some sick "syndrome" from the hurt? What if it's a trauma bond? But I don't think it is. Or, well, not completely.
I don't know. I try not to overanalyze that part because it drives me pretty crazy and brings up all kinds of things. What I do know is that I married this man, a broken man, and I am committed to him. If he died tomorrow or truly left me with no contact, I would still love him and still pray for him and still remain faithful to him in my heart. Without question.

When we broke up, I felt like I was dying every day. I had a family I knew that actually took the boys and I in for a week because I felt so unsafe at the house. (obviously this was mostly the PTSD in charge at that time). For that week, I stayed in their guest bedroom. But one night, I had to return to the house for some things. My BFF went with me. He was there. And he gave me a hug before we left that just broke my spirit. I had a complete meltdown (which was I think one of the first he ever saw).
After it was over, I went back to the family's home. I sat and talked with them a long time. And one of the things I said was that I would find a way to stay friends with DH. I would find a way because he had never had someone in his life who loved him, someone who was loyal to him. This was over two years ago in the midst of all of my agony. Now, how in the heck I actually accomplished staying in his life?? I don't know the answer. But I think working on communication with him, showing him love and forgiveness, having faith in him, being proud of him, being a friend in all ways that I could (and still can) think of...I think I have proven this thing called love to him...this thing called commitment. It's so hard not to cry writing this. As someone who also suffers from abandonment issues and so forth, having a person stay by your side is invaluable.
I wonder sometimes (and T has said this too) if he pushes me away because he can't recognize his own value and so thinks he doesn't deserve this unconditional love. Like he wants to try to break it. But he can't. I won't let him.

Anyways, this turned into a much longer post than I intended. @One step at a time Thanks again for reading and following along and offering support. I appreciate it and you!

 

[Lady Moonlight]

So the odd thing? Yep, I found out where the beer went. Shouldn't be surprised by that one. Honestly though...let's think about this one. Watches his wife sick with anxiety and fear over stories of drinking. Goes home and slams four beers. Seriously. What. The. F*ck.
I asked him today because he was drinking another beer when I got home that wasn't even in the fridge. He had...get this... found it in a bag in the house and put it in the fridge. Um...what? Like here is a random beer. I have no f*cking clue how old it is. I'll just save that for later. So I asked him what happened to the others. He drank them. I felt so sick I had to leave the room. I went upstairs, out the front door with a cigarette and cried. Good. F*cking. God. IS IT THAT HARD TO BE CONSIDERATE?????? WHY??????????????
God, I love him so much. Just wrote that post above. And I come home to this. My love is worthless. I feel sick just writing this. And this is like 3 hours later when I finally calmed down and ate something (after the nausea passed. Nausea, another fun side effect of PTSD for me). And now I feel sick again.
I have to stop writing. Thank the Lord that I have wonderful friends. I will be spending Saturday night and Sunday morning with my best friend in the whole world. She told me I could come and she would keep me safe. I don't have to watch him drink and act like he's 2. Or like he's the world's biggest, scariest ogre full of hate. I can be safe with her with no alcohol playing games and having girl time and laughing, instead of here feeling like death is tapping my shoulder while my insides twist themselves into pretzels. It's no wonder I have ulcers and stomach issues.

Did I post about the story about being suicidal in grade school? IDK why this connects to that. Maybe it doesn't.
When I was in 8th grade, I started really hitting my depression full force. I wanted to die. Home was an empty place and I was lonely most of the time besides my best friend. So finally I must have said something. I don't remember telling her that I wanted to kill myself. But I must have. What I do remember is that my teacher called me to the front of the classroom one day and asked me about killing myself. I laughed it off and said I was joking. I didn't want any teachers involved. Or grown ups. I was so angry at my best friend for saying something. So I went back to my seat. Some of the other kids heard. I don't know if they were in the room or how the rumor started. But everyone in the class knew. So the kids around me started asking me. Pestering me. Teasing me. "Why do you want to kill yourself?" "How are you going to do it?" "When are you going to kill yourself?" I can't remember how long it lasted. I remember taking a piece of paper and sitting there shredding it into little pieces, tinier and tinier pieces, while they asked me these questions. I think I gave some off hand answer, but I can't remember. I just remember hating them and wishing I was dead.
I hate bullies. And I hate people picking on me. My kids get teased too now. My youngest gets picked on. I think it's mostly harmless. Just kids being a-holes. I've talked to the teachers. It's a private school. The teachers are somewhat dismissive, but the principal has spent a lot of time with my kid this year. Helping him with some of his emotional distress. And for that I'm grateful.
My other son has autism. Kids make fun of him wherever we go. Sometimes adults do too. I get so angry. But I can't stand up to them for my son. I'm too scared. I hate that. I'm not strong enough to stand up for my own kid because I'm really scared. So I usually just take my kids from wherever and we leave. I don't like bullies.

I have to stop now. I feel like sh*t. And I'm supposed to be doing my homework. But I needed to write. Some place to put these thoughts down so I don't bottle them.
If I ever repeat my stories, I apologize. I don't go back and re-read. I don't want to remember some of the awful feelings of these things, even that happened in the last days. I just want to be free of it. Perhaps I will re-read on a good day when I'm feeling strong. But not right now.

 

[Lady Moonlight]

I prayed tonight. A heartfelt prayer. Not even just heartfelt. I prayed with every bit of me I had. And I prayed for him. Prayed for something that seems impossible. And I prayed for patience.
I just wanted to share that. And catalog it. The more I try to remember things, the more I realize I can't. So I'm saying it tonight so I will have a record of it. I prayed for my husband.
Everything hurts now. I'm trying to get through studying my chapter for school. But I'm so tired. I think I'll try for 15 more minutes and then go to bed.

 

[Lady Moonlight]

I'm really tired today. I slept 7 hours, but it doesn't feel like it. I will be glad when I'm done with work. DH and I have a gift card for dinner. So we are going out. But I kind of don't want to go because I don't want to see him drinking and I'm sure he will. Even just one beer is so tough right now.
After dinner though, I have my Japanese lesson. I've been studying Japanese for many years. Just a hobby of mine that I fell in love with. It also saved me from my post-partum depression. Gave me something to do. So I know I will have something positive to look forward to tonight.
DH's plans are somewhat crumbling for this weekend. But I'm going to keep mine anyways. I want to spend healthy time.
Also, apparently DH says (or conveyed) that he might go to church with me for Mother's Day (because it's "my special day"). Idk how to feel about that. Part of me really says absolutely not. I need church to be a safe place for me. And after all the heartache, I don't feel comfortable bringing him. At the same time, it's church. And I feel it would be wrong to keep him away if he chooses to come. Something I really need to discuss with T. Tomorrow morning is my appointment. Can't come soon enough, IMO.
And tomorrow afternoon I'm going fishing. I'm very excited about this. I think it will be a good time and I hope to catch a few. Don't think anything big. Just a few little sunfish or something. I suck at fishing, but I like it.
I did finish studying the chapter last night. Just pushed through it and then went right to bed. I wish I could go right back to bed now. Ha.
Work. Dinner. Shopping for a vacuum? Japanese. Home. Bed.
T. Fishing. BFF.
Church. Lunch with Sis. Day with DH and kids.

Not a bad weekend. Hopefully I will finish up my homework on time too!

 

[Lady Moonlight]

Ugh. DH and beer. I don't want to go to dinner anymore. He ticked me off. But I have to go anyways. And try to be nice.
Can I burn all the beer in the world? All the wheat and barley too? Maybe all the potatoes and whatever the hell they make whiskey out of? Good Lord in Heaven, zero consideration. Just ZERO.
Some time, maybe soon, I'll try to write about how he was before this. How he was considerate and kind and loving. Now I feel like it's all fake. Just f*cking fake.
I hate this.
Wish me luck. I'm leaving work in 10 agonizing minutes. Hopefully tomorrow will VASTLY make up for this crap.

 

[Lady Moonlight]

Well, this has been an interesting weekend.
It started with a date night Friday night. Which hardly felt like a date. DH was just making a lot of sarcastic jokes and the thought crossed my mind that if this had been our first date, it would have been the last. I was so not impressed. But the rest of the weekend was very nice. We went to T together and then rented a boat and went fishing for the day. I got sunburned to a crisp (it still hurts so much!!) Then I went out to my friend's for a bonfire, but they were drinking and I was so tired and miserable that I went home. DH was already asleep. Sunday, he got up and got donuts and coffee. We went to church and then out to eat with my sister and the kids. Then my boys, DH and I went home. DH went to bed and I sat in the recliner (painfully) and read a book. The boys and I just hung out. No one was even hungry for dinner. So we all went to bed. I could hardly sleep. I was in so much pain and to boot having nightmares too. So I was scared and wanted to be held, but in so much pain I could hardly lie down let alone be held. I can't wait til this heals.

I was really impressed by how much effort DH actually put into this weekend. After putting forth almost no effort and just being a jerk most of the time, he was really wonderful and let me relax with no complaints. He even cleaned the garbage out of my car.
He used to be a lot more willing like this all the time. Maybe he's just been burnt out. I know I have been. I haven't cleaned at all lately. Like at all. Thankfully the house isn't a disaster, but still. So cleaning is on my list of things today as well as homework.
I'm really grateful that DH was so good over the weekend. I don't want to put hope in it though. I don't want to even have that thought that it's getting better between us again. But I recognize that he really tried and did a good job. And I told him that I was really grateful.

Being at T though, we only talked about him. Which is not a bad thing. It's an opportunity to really hear what he's thinking. However, I'm still craving a session with her because I am still processing my own things. So thankfully that's on Friday this week. I'm glad.

Even if things don't get better, if they stabilize and don't get worse, I'll take that.

 

[Lady Moonlight]

Last night and this morning were both good. I had no anxiety, even with DH STILL drinking his d*mn beer. But I survived and did well. I got a few things accomplished (though not homework). And DH and I enjoyed the evening. He even hung out with the boys and I! :woot: Does it help that he's picked up more hours at work? Possibly. Does it also help that he went to both T and church? Possibly. I don't know, but I'll take it. I don't ask much at all. But we married with the intent of being teammates and a family. If one of us is constantly avoiding family time and hiding in the basement and drinking and smoking dope just to "deal" with us, that's not really a teammate or family. I don't exactly have an issue with marijuana per se. What I have an issue with is using it excessively or spending money on it when I pay ALL the bills (and cover his!). I'm not Mommy. I shouldn't have to support him while he supports his addictions. That is not fair and we've fought about this a few times. I understand that he feels bad for not making a lot of money. But then turning around and using the money he does make for booze and weed? Uh, yeah. I think I have a problem with that. I recognize that it has medicinal purposes. But I've also seen the type of permanent damage it can do to people who abuse it. I don't care how natural it is. And he has definitely abused it. Spending God knows how many years stoned all day every day...??? Uh, yeah. Idk. I know it's a controversial thing. But it's my diary. And if this offends anyone, it is not meant to. Just venting the frustration of his inability to recognize that he has a problem.
Everyone else can smoke as much as they want.

Anyways, as I've said, it's been better. Hopefully this will be the calm in the storm and I can focus on getting better without constantly being triggered.

 

[Lady Moonlight]

At what point can I quit? Overwhelmed today. It was an insane day at work. Came home and DH wasn't here. He went to the bar apparently. Only had 1 beer and came home. He's got a migraine again. So, looks like I'm on my own with house chores today. But I'm overwhelmed with homework. I just had a wonderful weekend, but already I'm so exhausted and stressed that it feels that the break and relaxation didn't happen. I want to take a nice shower and go to bed. But my homework is due tonight. So I still have so much to do. DH is in bed already.
The boys were ridiculous today, especially my oldest. I lost my temper and yelled (and I mean really yelled) at him. It's been a horrible day. I can only hope tomorrow is better. I feel broken today. No anxiety. Just so d*mn sad and defeated. DH... 1 step forward and 2 steps back. Still backsliding. At which point will he leave out of anger and give up? Just because I won't/can't doesn't mean he feels the same way. I don't even feel lonely today. Just done. So f*cking done with this day.
Anyways, I wanted to write this and try to get it out of me before I go crazy and just grab a d*mn bottle myself. I don't even have alcohol issues, but today is a drinking kind of day. It's an itch I refuse to scratch. I might go for a walk later when this homework is done. I gotta get through it. I gotta get another A. I want to graduate with a great GPA and be successful in my career so I never have to deal with the job I have now ever again. 3 years is so far away. All I can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other. But it's just so hard.
I'm sure I'll be crying later. I'm already fighting it. God, please help me get this done and get these boys in bed so I can fall apart.

 

[Lady Moonlight]

Somehow, I survived yesterday. I stayed as far away from DH as I could. Finished my homework that was due. Did a ton of dishes and a few loads of laundry. Did not take a shower. Did not go for a walk. But my BFF called and I talked to her for a few. I was so crabby, so we didn't talk long. I felt bad. I laid on the floor in the basement and read my book because I didn't want to be near DH. He was being a complete a**hole and treating the boys and me like crap. So we just stayed away. After I got everything done, I actually took time for myself and read. Then I climbed in bed. DH slept restlessly. I tried to hold his hand while he was sleeping. But he kept pushing me away in his sleep. So I just rolled over and went to bed feeling lost.
I tried praying. But I felt God was telling me to trust him with this one and have patience. I cried a few tears, but even they didn't really come out.

This morning, DH got up and was real sh*tty with me again. I asked him why he was still mad at me. He simply replied that he isn't.
Later he sent me a good morning text and said that he loved me, even when he's pissed off. I guess I should be comforted by that. But I really wasn't. I feel like I'm being punished for something that I didn't do. I wonder why I feel that way. I wonder why I associate anger with wrongdoing and why angry people scare me. I can't remember anything in my childhood that would create that attitude. I rarely got in trouble that I remember. I can only remember always trying to be good. Even watching shows on TV or movies, I hate when protagonists make choices they know are wrong because I know they'll get in trouble for it. I don't want these characters to get in trouble either. Is that weird?

So today I feel sad and stressed. (can't believe I even have time to write a post today at work) I want to be a good girl and make the world a good place. But instead I feel like I'm not good enough.

 

[The Albatross]

It is not a question of "being good enough". Though it is easier most often to wish/think it is the case because those of us who know trauma and the effects know how hard it is to initiate, navigate, and achieve a sustained change.