Moonlight Madness

[Lady Moonlight]

I think the key words here are "sustained change". I've learned a lot from my previous mistakes and how to be more respectful of a spouse and so forth and so forth. But I don't think I have learned fully how to accept my own imperfections. And also, how to not automatically be the victim or take things personally in a personal relationship. It's tough!! I hate being shut out. I hate being on the receiving end of his bad moods. I can't call it abuse. But the levels of sarcasm are outrageous leaving me completely helpless. As I've said before, I'm sure he has some type of PTSD or other major damage emotionally. He feels no fear. Ever. And that's what's hard to process. I feel fear all the time. And sadness. I've seen him cry once. And tear up a couple times. That's it. It's either happy, angry or neutral. So I never know what to think.

Alby, I've been slowly reading your story. I know you have a strong presence on the boards here with a lot of good insight. I hope to learn a lot from you and the other active members here as I continue along my journey for myself. Thanks for the comment!

 

[The Albatross]

LOL... do not confuse long with strong. k? Think that you're onto something with the propensity to personalize when you said, "I don't think I have learned fully how to accept my own imperfections. And also, how to not automatically be the victim or take things personally in a personal relationship."

Yeah it's tough, but necessary and doable. Doing the right thing is harder than doing the easy thing, k?

 

[Lady Moonlight]

The right way is NOT the easy way pretty much ever. Do you think my desire to be good and do good would push me towards always expecting to work hard thus leading to a definite workaholic issue?

My biggest thing in therapy is learning how to love myself and NOT take things personally because between my mom, my boss and DH, it's a non-stop barrage of criticism and rejection. I tend to push harder and harder to do right and be right until I'm pretty much falling apart. The impossible standard: perfection.
I wonder if somewhere as a child I developed the idea of being perfect somewhere deep inside. As though meeting that would somehow make things better? I really don't know. It's so impossible to remember so much of my childhood anymore that I can't determine where any of it comes from.
My T says that I have a characteristic of fixing things. It's both good and bad. I find something wrong with myself and I fix it (though I'm still overweight and haven't fixed that...hmmm...). But I make changes and alter as needed. But at the same time, it's bad because it again lends itself to that perfectionist attitude and I run myself into the ground.
I have accepted that my house will always be messy. It's impossible to clean it with kids and my workload of everything (and my sanity occasionally at stake). This I have accepted though it still bothers me that it's messy.
My sister always has an immaculate house. Always. She also has a skinny figure and she jogs and she tans and she has cute little puppy dogs. She also has a millionaire boyfriend. I think somewhere in my head, she is my ideal. But I am SO not her. I'm messy and fat (like 200lbs fat, just so we are clear that it's not body image). I never work out. I burn in the sun. I can't have pets. My kids aren't the "cool" kids like hers. And my DH is about as opposite of a successful millionaire as there is. He's pretty much as redneck as it gets. I am so far from the impossible perfection that I really want. So has some part of me accepted it? Have I focused on other things instead?
Sorry so long. Once I allow my head to think, it usually doesn't stop.

 

[The Albatross]

That is the trap, yeah: "Do you think my desire to be good and do good would push me towards always expecting to work hard thus leading to a definite workaholic issue?" Better if you could get some levity and see your way clear towards more character refinement. It is good to be a diligent and good worker in and of it's own sake, but when it becomes a burden it's time to reassess. Question, and self examine.

*raising her hand* former Mrs. Fix it here and workaholic perfectionist.

 

[Lady Moonlight]

As I see you wrote "former", I will definitely continue to follow your story and your posts. Hopefully I will continue to gain the insights I need!! 2 years of therapy and I definitely don't have any desire to quit!

 

[The Albatross]

I will say though it's not that much easier to resolve not to be a Mrs. Fix it... dysfunctional systems are not really easy to deal with ever... it's just a different kind of adversity.

 

[Lady Moonlight]

True enough. For how long I've dealt with this without diagnosis, I am surprised I have even found success. Now that I know, at least I can work on it. And T is pretty much the perfect T for me. But I feel like I got a lemon body and mind. It works. It runs. But there's always something wrong with it.

 

[The Albatross]

Well I can surely relate to that. But then default to ... it is what it is.

 

[Lady Moonlight]

Yesterday was another really tough day at work. When I finally left, I texted DH but got no response. Went home. Waited over an hour. Still no response. I decided to check on his coworkers to make sure everything was ok with the jobsite. Everything was fine. They were just running behind.
Well, my fears of him being at the bar were relieved. He got home and was happy. In fact, he stayed happy all night. Come to find that he smoked a bowl. Well, that explains it. So yeah, I guess that's one way to be happy. Didn't know how to feel about that one.

We kind of talked last night. He didn't say much. I did most of the talking. Just presenting an objective picture of my feelings. We hung out a bit with the neighbor and just spent time together basically doing nothing at all but talking and making plans for the summer and shooting the breeze. It was so lovely.
I really wonder what kind of mood he will be in today after work. Only time will tell.

I'm having another tough day. And I know I have chores and homework awaiting me after this. So, it's going to be a long day. I just wanted to pop in and log another day in the saga of DH and I. I don't think I will even have time for any other posts around the forums today. But that's okay. There's time.

 

[Lady Moonlight]

Ugh, I'm disappointed. I started a post on Friday. Then I changed it and started a different one. But it didn't save my draft!

I wanted to talk about my dads.
So, I'll come back to that. Maybe tonight or something.

For now, I just want to give an update. The fog seems to be lifting. I know this PTSD isn't over. I'm still struggling with my anxiety. But for the time being, DH is doing pretty well. I think he even went a day without drinking. Yesterday maybe?
Not that he's quitting, but he just didn't have any because we didn't have any in the house. And I was fine with that.

He's been much more kind and cheerful. I think it's simply to do with being back at work. He's finally officially not laid off. It's been so slow and now we were slammed and have plenty of work for him to do. I am so glad. We had a wonderful weekend with our kids. And I'm really looking forward to a long weekend coming up. We are going camping. Except all the campsites in our area are booked. So actually we are just going away for the weekend and are going to figure out somewhere to stay as we go. Should be interesting!!
DH's positive attitude and planning for summer events is a really good thing. He's even been playing guitar and doing other things. I still worry about him like crazy. But it appears his depression has lifted for the time being.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@Lady Moonlight it is a pleasure meeting you. I think you are a very beautiful and wonderful person and a good influence. I love how you keep on with your dreams in spite of adversity you have a steadfast love for people and your DH and children. You have a wonderful work ethic and you are so disciplined and creative and live with good friends that you do your self care with. I am inspired by your attitudes and beliefs. You are a truly good person in my opinion and no I am not grading you or patronizing you at all. You are a very gifted writer too. You tell and share your story with such honesty and are so charming and loving towards people in your descriptions. Have you always been the way you are now? I am going to follow you as I am able and support you. You are a wonderful person to get to know. You have so many gifts and I know you are going to be able to fulfill those wonderful dreams of yours.

 

[Lady Moonlight]

@Rain thank you for your very kind post. I think that a positive attitude is part of what keeps me going. I do genuinely care for so many around me, and I do want to help those that I can. Life is a very tough thing for many people for all different reasons. I would love to achieve all my dreams and goals. I may not in this lifetime. But I'm going to try my very best, and hopefully make life a little better for as many people as I can.
Thank you for your compliments about my writing and so forth. I'm not really sure what to say other than thank you. *blush* Honestly, I used to write stories growing up, though they were all based on real people in my life. It was my original therapy to help me cope with whatever was going on at the time or a fantasy to help me escape my angst. But these words in this journal are completely my own story, nothing fantasy about it.
I hope we can all inspire each other in our life journeys. Each day is a step into the future, and nothing is really certain about it. But even with that uncertainty in mind, there is much to hope for and have faith in.
Thanks for following along with my Moonlight Madness. I welcome comments and feedback anytime, good or bad. :)