Death Mourning The Death Of My Husband - I Can't Seem To Grieve

[Chincho]

- Moderators, I don't know if this is the right place for this thread. Please, feel free to move it if it's not. -

My husband passed away 8 months ago, after battling lung cancer for almost two years. He was 48. We had been married for 23 years and had been friends since we were 16. He was my soulmate, the love of my life, my best friend and supporter.

Since he died, I've been really busy with all the paperwork. In my country, it's much easier to have a child than to have someone die.

Also, in the past 8 months, my mother and my sister, who live in the States, visited twice; my eldest son left for college; my youngest son finished high school; I had gall bladder surgery one day and peritonitis surgery three days later; and changed my PTSD medication twice.

The change in medication was really hard. I stopped taking Effexor, and started Brintellix and later Vibryd which didn't work at all, and am now taking Pristiq which seems to be finally working. This caused me to be without a working med for about two months, and that made all my symptoms come back and threw me into a deep depression.

I am still pretty depressed, and when I see my therapist and talk, my eyes seem to leak. It's not that I cry, but tears just fall down my cheeks on their own. The last time I really cried was at my husband's funeral.

My T says that I have been too busy to mourn (or grieve? English is not my mother tongue, sorry!).

Last weekend my youngest went on a trip. My T told me to take advantage of being alone and to try and have a good cry, and start grieving. She did say that mourning can take up to 2 years though, and that I shouln't worry.

I couln't cry, not even listening to sad songs or going through old photographs. I just felt very tired.

Most of the day it's like I can't feel anything, my brain doesn't let me think of feelings, it only lets me think of actions. When I do feel, it's mostly helplessness, sadness and anger. And astonishment because I was so sure I would die before him, and I was certain we would grow old together.

Mostly I just want to lie in bed forever, but I don't. And I've had suicidal ideations, but I couln't let my boys go through another loss.

I know every person is different, but I would be thankful for any advice or opinion.

(Sorry this is so long!)

 

[The Albatross]

Grief and bereavement in the states is 3 years... (or was last time I got training, I worked hospice). It is not atypical to postpone grief... and you sound like quite a lot has happened in the last 8 months.

Everybody IS different and your spouse was your partner for 23 years and like you said the love of your life. Being a mother, you've dealt with your own health issues, the issues around the death, and been there for your boys. It is not really something that can be rushed as it is a process.

Is there a group or services for bereavement in your country? If not there is a lot of information already online.

Eyes leaking on their own is grief, being tired or depressed is also grief... be gentle with your self?

I am glad that even with ideations, you can't put your boys through another. Deep condolences to your family and you. My sympathy for your loss.

 

[Flossy]

I take 100mg Pristiq AM. I find it hard to cry on Pristiq. If I reduce the dosage, I can cry. If I reduce it right down I can't stop crying. I actually increase it slightly on days that I have extra stressors.

Don't worry about whether you are crying. You are grieving all the time. Thinking is grieving. Continuing to live is grieving.

I lost my son, so I hope I have some understanding of your loss.

If you feel a buildup of emotion and you can't cry, try punching your pillow or doing "silent screams" in the shower.

At least the adrenaline build up will be released and burned up.

I recently added Buproprion (wellbutrin or Zyban) as my depression causes me to not want to move or I want to sleep a lot. I find it great. I take 150mg AM.

For me, these two meds are the best. It is simply a case of remembering to up the Pristiq if I am under stress for a couple of days. I cut one in half and take it at night.

I hope this helps you.

I still grieve my son 14 years later. Not often, but I do. Strangely, when I am sick. I get so sad for him as he never whinged and i whinge like hell when I have the flu.

Don't let anyone give you guidelines for grieving. However you grieve if the way you need to grieve. I did weird stuff like make up a shrine for him for ages, then I put every photo away months later, I buried things, passed things on and wore his shirts when I missed him. I told strangers in supermarket aisles that my son had died after wandering the aisles that carried his favourite foods with water streaming out of my eyes. It amazed me too how that happens.

Best wishes to you.

 

[Chincho]

Thank you @The Albatross and @Flossy!

If not there is a lot of information already online.

There's not a group in my city. I will look up the information.

be gentle with your self

I think I am being pretty gentle with myself. But my brain keeps telling me to DO things. That is related to one of my traumas, though, so I know I have to live with it.

I find it hard to cry on Pristiq.

I didn't know a med could do that. I will ask my psychiatrist about this.

You are grieving all the time.

Yes, you are right. I hadn't thought of it that way.

wore his shirts

I wear some of my husband sweatshirts and shirts too!

 

[Deleted member 29920]

My grandmother died nine months ago and I haven't been able to think about it, still in denial. It's something that can't be rushed. Let your heart grieve when it is truly ready. Don't pressurise yourself. Hugs

 

[Deleted member 12723]

My husband died two years ago and I still miss him. I kept one of his flannel shirts and cuddle it at night and sometimes when I am missing him I get it out of my bed and just hold it so close to me.

I do not cry very much and I think I learned not to cry when I was a child, lesson learned and I am helpless and unable to cry.

For me the first year was the hardest. Everyone around me wanted me to move on but I was unable to move on.

The second year is better and I am getting used to learning about who I am and who I am not. It is a lot of lessons to learn. My heart goes out to you in a very big way.

I am glad that your surgeries are now behind you sounds like you had too much going on aound you. Please pm me if you need to vent and I will just listen. Many hugs.

 

[Recovery4Me]

I know every person is different, but I would be thankful for any advice or opinion.

As silly as this advice may seem, take it one day at a time. Know that eventually a small glimmer of inner peace, joy with your children or warmth will peek through and as time progresses that moment will lengthen. It is not the same as really getting over the loss, it is learning to share a little joy with that part of him that still lives on... Yes, you will hold him in your heart, see him sometimes through your children and know you were blessed with such a soulmate that many of us only dream about.

Yet I wish to offer...that I am so very sorry for your loss and your tears. Just know...we are here listening, some of us praying for your comfort...one day at a time. ((((hugs))) if you accept. You are not alone.

 

[Chincho]

Thank you so much @gizmo and @Recovery4Me !!!!