Hello to everyone here,
I have only just found this forum, I've read and relate to many of you here, and wish you well in your recoveries.
Here is a bit of my story, and I am in the midst of deciding what to do about a therapy I just started. Hopefully it makes sense and doesn't offend or trigger anyone.
I've had numerous traumas throughout life, mostly inflicted by toxic people as psychological and physical abuse, but also shock by deaths and suicides. Started counseling late 2010, after two burnouts and depression yet still the determination to 'carry on with life', she said she was amazed I'm still alive. Huge trauma happened during that time of ongoing counseling; it happened at work, and I blocked it out by dissociative amnesia. Id been held captive and attacked repeatedly, but couldn't remember, had became clearly physically ill and a hospital test showed sky high cortisol level - a worried looking consultant questioning me and there's me with a blank face and mind. Usual doc's ignored the cortisol levels and fobbed me off. PTSD struck when my work hours decreased, I confronted abusive manager (who I now realize abused others there too) and memories did come back of me fighting him back/off but not succeeding. Stopped counseling for 2 months as was so confused. Told police, they said they believed me but the courts process wrote me off as unreliable witness because of the PTSD - so the monster who told me to my face how he calculates abuse to get away with it, did. He resigned with pride, I stayed with employer being encouraged by a partner company who offered me a good training (at uni) and job opportunity off-site to current place, which I had to turn down because it would have been too much with the PTSD. My employer used me to train a new manager then told me I was banned from going back to work with no reason whatsoever - illegal as well as despicable treatment.
Iv spent 6 years working to get well, saw that counselor for 3 years, seen others since including CBT, much progress but still not quite right and anxiety / PTSD still lurking. Have persevered with dismissive belittling doctors, employed on and off, backpacked abroad - all still whilst not very well, been targeted again by bullies/sex offenders etc during those times but also met many good people and get snippets of 'feeling more normal'.
So, most therapists, the police, and close friends have said that these circumstances were not my fault, and that I've been pretty unlucky coming across so many horrid people (this event is just a snippet, much of the bad stuff I will tell with a 'laugh at life' tone, but this snippet is what I discussed with the following therapist, below). I've had a toxic upbringing - a scapegoat as well as under narcissistic controlling. Anytime I got abused / ripped off / etc it was always my fault, or I wasn't believed - even when it was so obvious I wasn't. Ok so I must be vulnerable from this, but Iv also fought back plenty of times, its just the abusers have always fought harder and my body only has so much energy, iv often lost the fights. I had gut instincts before 2008, the last burnout struck then.
So fed up of physical illnesses and lingering anxiety/ PTSD being blamed on 'just being stressed' (my doc last suggested I just need to get a boyfriend), I thought I'd try EMDR. And now I am very annoyed.... she has indicated that I portray myself as a victim and so no wonder people have abused me because thats just human nature, including my doctors dismissive behavior. Did she forget why I was there? She didn't have all the facts about me, and I was in an environment bringing up traumatic memories so I was bound to act upset unless there is some social etiquette I'm missing. My gut instincts have slowly been resurfacing the past year, and I'm not keen on going back - so am I 'being a victim who doesn't want to get better' or is my instinct that this is a dodgy place to go correct? There was also mention of imagining being in pink warm fluff to feel safe.... I found this absurd and really couldn't do that so I thought about a sunny place instead. I understand that vulnerable people can attract the vultures of society who try have a go, but to be accused of acting like a victim after I've worked so hard and carried on with life as much as I have feels like a dig at me.
Hmmm :sour:
I have only just found this forum, I've read and relate to many of you here, and wish you well in your recoveries.
Here is a bit of my story, and I am in the midst of deciding what to do about a therapy I just started. Hopefully it makes sense and doesn't offend or trigger anyone.
I've had numerous traumas throughout life, mostly inflicted by toxic people as psychological and physical abuse, but also shock by deaths and suicides. Started counseling late 2010, after two burnouts and depression yet still the determination to 'carry on with life', she said she was amazed I'm still alive. Huge trauma happened during that time of ongoing counseling; it happened at work, and I blocked it out by dissociative amnesia. Id been held captive and attacked repeatedly, but couldn't remember, had became clearly physically ill and a hospital test showed sky high cortisol level - a worried looking consultant questioning me and there's me with a blank face and mind. Usual doc's ignored the cortisol levels and fobbed me off. PTSD struck when my work hours decreased, I confronted abusive manager (who I now realize abused others there too) and memories did come back of me fighting him back/off but not succeeding. Stopped counseling for 2 months as was so confused. Told police, they said they believed me but the courts process wrote me off as unreliable witness because of the PTSD - so the monster who told me to my face how he calculates abuse to get away with it, did. He resigned with pride, I stayed with employer being encouraged by a partner company who offered me a good training (at uni) and job opportunity off-site to current place, which I had to turn down because it would have been too much with the PTSD. My employer used me to train a new manager then told me I was banned from going back to work with no reason whatsoever - illegal as well as despicable treatment.
Iv spent 6 years working to get well, saw that counselor for 3 years, seen others since including CBT, much progress but still not quite right and anxiety / PTSD still lurking. Have persevered with dismissive belittling doctors, employed on and off, backpacked abroad - all still whilst not very well, been targeted again by bullies/sex offenders etc during those times but also met many good people and get snippets of 'feeling more normal'.
So, most therapists, the police, and close friends have said that these circumstances were not my fault, and that I've been pretty unlucky coming across so many horrid people (this event is just a snippet, much of the bad stuff I will tell with a 'laugh at life' tone, but this snippet is what I discussed with the following therapist, below). I've had a toxic upbringing - a scapegoat as well as under narcissistic controlling. Anytime I got abused / ripped off / etc it was always my fault, or I wasn't believed - even when it was so obvious I wasn't. Ok so I must be vulnerable from this, but Iv also fought back plenty of times, its just the abusers have always fought harder and my body only has so much energy, iv often lost the fights. I had gut instincts before 2008, the last burnout struck then.
So fed up of physical illnesses and lingering anxiety/ PTSD being blamed on 'just being stressed' (my doc last suggested I just need to get a boyfriend), I thought I'd try EMDR. And now I am very annoyed.... she has indicated that I portray myself as a victim and so no wonder people have abused me because thats just human nature, including my doctors dismissive behavior. Did she forget why I was there? She didn't have all the facts about me, and I was in an environment bringing up traumatic memories so I was bound to act upset unless there is some social etiquette I'm missing. My gut instincts have slowly been resurfacing the past year, and I'm not keen on going back - so am I 'being a victim who doesn't want to get better' or is my instinct that this is a dodgy place to go correct? There was also mention of imagining being in pink warm fluff to feel safe.... I found this absurd and really couldn't do that so I thought about a sunny place instead. I understand that vulnerable people can attract the vultures of society who try have a go, but to be accused of acting like a victim after I've worked so hard and carried on with life as much as I have feels like a dig at me.
Hmmm :sour:
