My Abusers Girlfriend Is Trying To Reach Out To Me

[Hanah]

my ex boyfreinds (he was my abuser) most recent ex girlfriend (they broke up a few months ago) just contacted me via facebook a few days ago. she told me he abused her too and she wants to know about my experience.
she is very nice and i want to open up to her but thinking about the trauma he caused me makes me feel so sick...im determined to talk to her about what happened but the nagging thought of it all is killing me...
does anyone have any advice?
i know this is very vague im sorry i cant think straight... :/

 

[Meh]

Hi Hannah,
My ex boyfriend (my abuser) has just been left by his girlfriend that followed me. (He was cheating on me with her, so it's a little different). However, even despite that I've thought seriously of contacting her as I know he abused her too.

I find it really hard to talk about the abuse (it makes me feel sick and I get so unbelievably anxious I just get a bit lost) but talking about it, although it brings things to the surface, seems to help. Maybe it would be good to discuss with her, since you've actually had the same experience and would really truly understand each other. Maybe you could help each other through it.

Are you seeing a therapist or anything for your abuse?

Good luck with your decision. I'm sorry you had to go through the abuse in the first place. It totally sucks.

 

[joeylittle]

i know this is very vague im sorry i cant think straight... :/

My very strong impulse is to say to you: you are not responsible for her. You are only responsible for you.

So, if and when you think it would be healing in some way to talk with her, then reach out. But not until then. Trauma bonding like this can really backfire. You don't owe her anything - just because you share an asshole in common, doesn't mean you need to help her, or bond with her, or share anything at all.

 

[Sandstone]

If either of you have any thoughts of reporting him to the police, it might be better to do that first, before discussing what happened.

 

[Friday]

So, if and when you think it would be healing in some way to talk with her, then reach out. But not until then. Trauma bonding like this can really backfire. You don't owe her anything - just because you share an asshole in common, doesn't mean you need to help her, or bond with her, or share anything at all.

Just want to strongly 2nd Joey !!! This. Right here.

 

[EveHarrington]

Remember to do what's right for YOU, not what's right for her. If you're at risk of being retriggered or brought down, it may be a good idea to politely decline her request.

 

[mary1979]

The problem with this scenario is the risk of the two of you feeding each others victimisation.

The positive is that you support each other in moving forward, prosecution and healing all beings great goal.

Careful how you approach it, my ex's current gf tried to reach out to me when they split, and when they reunited *rolls eyes, guess who's every sympathetic word, shared experience and weakness was thrown back in her face?
They screwed me royally because my ex and I have kids together.

And it turned out she was a bigger psycho even than him.
Actually, I've never met anyone so deluded.
It sure didn't help me any to offer her support in the end.

And buggered if I will ever try that again with any of my ex's partners, separated or not.

 

[Zanshin]

As already stated... The other problem is if he actually broke up with her or if they're still on speaking terms and if he's using her to see what you say about him.

Any link that could lead him back to you should be actively avoided. That doesn't mean you need to be awful about it, but a reply of, "I wish you the best but have no desire to communicate further with you" is perfectly acceptable.