Death My best friend died

[KwanYingirl]

Thank you for the well wishes everybody. She was one in a million.

 

[void]

@KwanYingirl

May your dear friend find the peace in death that she never found in life. Deep Rest.

...and may you be comforted as you work through your grief. Ty for telling us about your wonderful friend.

 

[Anarchy]

Sorry for the sudden loss of your friend and ally

Sending you hugs and kind thoughts
@

 

[mumstheword]

Condolences on the loss of your lovely friend.

 

[KwanYingirl]

It’s been a tough week for me. I took 2 days off from work and had to shorten the days I did work. I straight out asked her sister if I could be told what she died of and she said I could message her next Friday. This intense loss just triggered every major loss I’ve had in memory and I’ve been super flooded. I go between sobbing and numbness. I hope she didn’t suffer. And I’m pretty sure that drugs and alcohol contributed to her passing. She was done fighting this illness.

 

[ms spock]

I am so, so, sorry for your loss @KwanYingirl. Thank you for sharing your wonderfully strong and loving relationship you had with your friend. It was lovely to read.

What can you set up to get more support and back up for yourself at this very triggered time for you. It is hard when every major loss in your life is triggered.

I am most concerned by the ways in which you may feel when you find out how your friend died. Can you make a safety plan to make sure you are okay after that?

 

[KwanYingirl]

Thank you @Disco Dancing Queen for Your warm embrace. Truely appreciated. It’s fair to say that I am feeling hopeless without her. Unless you have MCS you can’t imagine how sick you get from chemical exposures. A person smoking a cigarette in a car ahead of me makes my throat close up.

As for cause of death. I asked her sister straight out if I could be told the results of her autopsy. They’ll be available next Friday. Ok, so her heart was weak enough to be the cause of death. But she’s been going down the tubes over the past 6 months. Her financial situation she thought was a disaster despite the fact that she inherited a house in San Francisco that is easily worth $1.5 million. She could’ve sold it and bought in the suburbs with lots of money left over. She wouldn’t even consider it. Her mood was getting darker and darker. She had ample narcotic pain meds that she often took with a bunch of vodka because she couldn’t sleep. I saw my Shaman the other day and she told me she was done with this disease. Nothing was ever going to get better for her. She checked out. We talked each other off the ledge many times over the past 18 years.

I have reached out to the MCS support group where we met. I’ve not posted on it for 10+ years. But today I did and I requested support. So far I haven’t heard anything. It’s based in New Zealand, and like myptsd, it’s global.

So scenario #1-her heart failed 4 days before surgery to correct it. More likely than not, she would’ve died quickly without pain.
Scenario#2-she decided to check out. She has wanted to be free from her pain for years.

Scenario #1 bothers me the most because it took 4 f*cking months to get from doctor to cardiologist to heart surgeon. A procedure that she should’ve had in November took 4 months to be scheduled. Medical malpractice, an easy fix that didn’t get taken care of in a timely manner.

I think I’ll be ok either way. Angry and grief stricken and lonely without her. But I’m able to work at least yesterday. I cancelled going to a concert last night. I’m going to see Lyle Lovett and Shawn Colvin Wednesday. I will not miss that one. I have isolated. I am grateful to you all because my family did not respond to the news. None of them give a shit how I’m doing. Nothing surprising about them.

I will continue to check onto this thread until I connect with the gluteraldehyde group. High suicide rate among those of us with MCS. I’ve been a member of one support group after another beginning in 1991 with AA. They are a phenomenon!!

Thanks again, and I will try to stay connected.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Tornadic Thoughts sorry I wanted to respond to your post, but I’ve been sleeping my life away. I’m so sorry that you have to struggle with scents as do I. I never used fragranced products and swallowed more than my lifetime amount of drugs and booze. I may have been primed already for my immune system decided to go into combat from the mildest of synthetic fragrances. I have to be careful with cleaning products too.

I am self employed so I can for the most part dictate what comes into my office. My office and my condo have electric heat, so no fumes there thank goodness. With my PTSD, I only work part time. When I’m tired I have to be careful.

I hate like all get out that you know how I feel. I really should switch back to a macrobiotic diet. Health food is expensive!!! And I’m so phobic to buy fresh produce. I just don’t like how fresh food swells my tongue. I made split pea soup a few weeks ago and it tasted like metal.ugh!

 

[somerandomguy]

I am so sorry for your loss.

 

[Lionheart]

My prayers go up, (I've lit a prayer candle for you and your best friend), and my heart goes out to you. I lost my mother last year and I know it is hard, Please be extra gentle with yourself. Love and hugs if you accept.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Hey anyone out there? I am seriously freaking out. Yesterday was a good day.had therapy, psych doc and Reiki. I left Reiki totally grounded and clear and now I am so unreal and scared. I cancelled my clients there’s no way I can work. I’m really scared. Help!!!

 

[scout86]

How can we help?

What kinds of things bring you the sense of being grounded and safe?