My Brothers Did Some Weird Shit

[jesse]

I am uncomfortable finally putting this out there but I had some stuff happen and I have always been freaked out about it but it is not exactly clear cut sexual abuse exactly.. I would appreciate honest feedback not just what you may think I want to hear.

When I was approximately 9 my oldest brother (then 16) used to do this weird shit where out of the blue he would come out of his room crawling towards me on his hands and knees making these growling noises like it was a game but he was completely naked with an erection. I used to giggle and scream and he never touched me but have always been confused if that is sexual abuse. It has had an effect on me and have never felt comfortable around him since. I brought it up to a T once and she said " it was kids fooling around". That f*cked me up worst of all because I finally opened up and was told this but later realized she was not very qualified or a good T.

I would appreciate some feedback and has this type of thing happened to anyone else here? My middle brother has done some f'd up stuff too but will start here.

 

[jesse]

I meant to post Did so embarrassing my ipad is super sensitive..

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

My personal opinion is whether a young person intended it or not, learned it from somewhere or not, if you felt violated sexually in any way, shape, or form...then yes, it is a form of sexual abuse.

Your feelings are valid.

What to do about it? That I don't know. Hopefully others will have better advice.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I may be wrong though about my opinion. So just know it is an opinion.

 

[KrispyKreme]

I agree with StrongerNow, if goes on how you feel and no one can tell you do not feel the way you do.

Take the time to heal, you deserve to heal.

Take care,
KK

 

[radicalgratitude]

It is sexual abuse. We teach the children at school to tell a trusted adult if there is unwanted talking, touching, or showing. In this case, it is unwanted showing. We also tell them that THEY are the ones who get to decide if their boundaries have been violated. Nobody else.

The fact that he had an erection during this is especially disturbing. I am so angry with the therapist who minimized your trauma. What he did was wrong and a crime. He was 16, so he definitely knew better.

My dad was my abuser, but my brother did something creepy too. He was guarding me in basketball and had an erection and I could feel it. That was sexual abuse, too. I wasn't sure so I asked a male therapist and he said yes, it was sexual abuse. Guys do know when they are having an erection and he could have backed up. So I think its easy to struggle with minimization. Its too bad a therapist had to contribute to it.

 

[Philippa]

I've had similar things happen as a child, though it never progressed to actual touching or intercourse, but my brother would pin me down and wrestle me, and I could feel his erection.

I agree with some of the others, if it made you feel uncomfortable or violated in any way then listen to that and not the therapist. I had a friend of my parents "accidentally" drop a bunch of cookies down my nightie when I was 16, while my parents were in the next room, and then go to reach for them...but he stopped himself.

Whilst he did control his urge, it still made me feel uncomfortable enough that I spent months in turmoil as to whether to tell my father or not, and I feared being not believed. In the end I told him, and of course, was not believed because he said that people who have that happen to them never speak about it, so therefore it couldn't have really been serious. he basically told me I made too much out of it, and I struggled with that for years after...but one thing I know for sure is that it made me feel really uncomfortable, and it felt like the right thing to do to tell somebody and overcome my fear of not being believed, whatever the outcome.

 

[Orglethorp]

I agree with everyone above me who said that if it was unwanted sexual *anything* and it made you uncomfortable, then yes, it's sexual abuse. It does not matter what your brother's intent was. Even if he had innocent "I feel like psyching the kid out" teenage boy thoughts in mind and wasn't trying to cause any harm, it clearly wasn't funny or acceptable in your mind, and that's what matters. I'm really sorry that the therapist you originally told this to dismissed it so tactlessly, but I'm glad you've since realized that she wasn't doing her job well.

 

[Flyaway]

At 16 he was definitely old enough to know better (unless he's mentally disabled?) It sounds like grooming behaviour to me. I hope it didn't evolve into anything worst than that...

I completely understand why you would be traumatised by his behaviour. As an adult you clearly know that the 'game' he was playing wasn't innocent - he was being sexual to a child that was too young to know better- or how to adequately protect himself.

Some therapists have warped values and attitudes towards abuse... Some twisted people think that: abuse is only abuse, if you call it abuse.

 

[Abstract]

I am very sorry your therapist invalidated your experiences and feelings like this. She was wrong.

Sexual abuse is not just physical. It can be emotional or verbal. Sexual abuse is when a child is exposed to something that is not age appropriote. That can be being shown pictures or photographs, being shown body parts in a way that is sexual like you were or being told about things that are not age appropriote. These things are especially considered problematic if there is an unbalanced power dynamic between the two people.

Classically that is consdered to be the case if the person has any role of authority, is an adult or is a child 5 years older or over 15. And it is always consdered a problem if the child felt cohorced, pressured or uncomfortable.

Even if the child is younger it can be a problem but your case falls classically within what would standardly be considered problematic from what I know.

The other aspect of it is that there is sexual gratification involved. Him doing this naked with an erection shows sexual gratification.

He was more than 5 years older. He was over 15. He had an erection and was exposing you to it.

It also sounds like this was repeated.

Child play or dr-dr is when young children compare parts or similar behaviour. . Both children are the same or simiar ages. There is no sexual gratification or aim at stimulation. In other words it is not overtly sexual.

Lastly and most importantly even if it wasn't considered sexual abuse you feel harmed by it then that means you were harmed by it. Those feelings are important and you have a right to have them taken seriously. In that sense it isn't really relevant if it is considered abuse or not.

I am no expert but this is how I understand it.

 

[anthony]

I would appreciate honest feedback not just what you may think I want to hear.

Two thoughts on this...

Thought 1: What you thought then versus what you think now is important, as hindsight must be factored as to how much relevance thought 2 is true or false.

Thought 2: It is siblings doing stupid shit to one another.

Everything naked is NOT sexual abuse as what some are alluding above. Political correctness is ridiculous today on this topic, however; on the other hand there is also a lot of valid sexual abuse occurring.

By definition of the above, a person walking around naked in their home with windows open, then some would classify as sexual abuse because they walked past the home / could see a naked person in the home. Political correctness? A person has a right to be naked in their own home, and if you look into their home, then who is violating who's privacy / morality exactly?

Then you have the obvious perverts, deviants and sexual offenders, which are often clear cut, though not always clearly definable.

You are the best judge as to whether this was sexual abuse against you.

 

[Abstract]

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http://www.aifs.gov.au/cfca/pubs/factsheets/a142091/index.html
http://laurelhouse.org.au/?page_id=10
http://psychcentral.com/lib/surviving-child-sexual-abuse/00014827
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Personally I can't see any reason for an adolescent 15 year old teenager to be around other family members, naked and with an erection and repeatedly.

Is that something anyone here would have done at that age unless they were acting out? I realise those who have been sexually abused earlier can think it's normal behaviour to do a variety of sexual things so exclude that.

I can't see how it would not be considered exhibitionism, unless there was a very unusual family culture where it was usual for sexually mature and immature members to be naked such as in a naturalist community.

Careful of graphic material in some of these - as one reads further into the body of the documents.