Sufferer My Car Accident

[Ruinedforever]

Almost three months ago, I was coming home from my drug/alcohol counselor. It was almost 830 pm.. I was almost home, right around the corner..

....then I hit something.

Or. Someone.

I sat in my car, dazed for a moment. My first Thought was "My airbag went off; I hope my car isn't totaled. My windshield is broken; my dad is going to be really mad at me. OH F*** I JUSY HIT A PERSON!!!!"

She was an African-American woman. Wearing dark clothes, crossing the street where there wasn't a crosswalk. At night.

She died later that night in the hospital.

I found out, from a news report of it, her son crossed the street successfully and urged his mom to hurry up.. I guess they thought she could make it...

I cried for hours and hours. I felt so guilty.
The police determined I was not at fault, which helped a little.

I'm very messed up from all of this. I can't stop thinking about it. Nightmares. Flashbacks. You name it. I started therapy shortly after.

...when does it get better?!?

 

[ladee]

I am so sorry this has happened in your life. I can not begin to imagine what is going on in your mind body and spirit. No, it wasn't your fault, but that doesn't mean much when you have to deal with something like this.
There are no magic time limits on any healing. Am very happy to know you got help so soon. No way could you get thru this without help.... glad you are here... again. so sorry you are having to deal with this. Hope to see you posting when you need to.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

What a horrible thing to go through!

...when does it get better?!?

Gosh I wish I knew that answer. But here's what I do know. If I look back to almost 3 years ago when I started therapy I can see change. When I look back 2 months ago, I can see improvement. When I look at today, all I see is insurmountable turmoil within. And I don't mean to scare you by saying that, I just mean that some moments are really, really hard and other times you can look back and see "better". It's a journey and a process and I hope that you have found a therapist that will help you through this.

This is a great place for resources and support, so welcome, and I hope you find some support here to help you towards, better, I know I have.

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome to the forum. :hug:

I'm so sorry for what you've experienced. I wish there was a set amount of time before feeling better, but it's different for everyone. I'm glad you've decided to join us on your healing journey. :)

 

[Ruinedforever]

Thanks for the support. Each day, each moment, is a struggle in its own. I'm glad I having a loving family and girlfriend for support. But even with all that support I am in despair.

I don't know where else to turn to.

 

[ladee]

You have support, having a supportive family is very good, and a loving girlfriend, and now us... you have a lot of support. We will be with you thru your healing. It will never go away, just as any trauma any of us experience, but you are working at getting a solid foundation down for healing. We are here for you. Any time you need to, just write it out, it doesn't change anything, but does help us to lighten the load and see things a little more clearly. Glad you are here. Gentle hugs if you accept. My heart hurts for you.

 

[Stickler]

:( :hug: Crap. I do know it will get better? I don't know when.
Please keep talking about it.

 

[user27357]

I was a first responder to several accident scenes just like what you describe. I learned to treat everyone at a scene as a victim of the accident, even someone that walked up asking questions deserved to be treated as a victim of the accident, they didn't cause it and their curiosity is a natural response. I learned that my words and actions could have an effect on the healing process for all involved and tried to act responsibly and carefully.

I hope no one treated you any differently. I hope no one accused you of any wrong doing. it sounds like you are beating yourself up over this and that is probably understandable, most people would. I am just saying that if someone at the scene treated you as a perpetrator, a criminal, a cause of the accident, you should disregard their erroneous statements or actions. If you weren't charged with a crime, if you committed no crime, if you know that in the same situation the same thing would happen again no matter what you did to prepare yourself for the event ahead of time, you should let yourself off the hook.

I have hit and killed animals, I have injured people in accidents when I wasn't at fault. I know what it feels like.

I hope your feelings weren't made worse by someone saying accusatory things to you. It would be a tragedy to let something like that add to the suffering you are already experiencing as a VICTIM of this horrible ACCIDENT.

And it does get better, sometimes we just need some help. hope this helps.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Wow, Ruin, now I understand your handle. My heart aches for you. Every day, we take our lives - and the lives of many others - into our own hands. Most days are uneventful. Once in a while, something terrible happens. It could have been a deer or a streetlight or another car. It was an accident. A horrible, tragic, unforeseeable accident. That could have happened to anyone at any time. The woman who died was also taking her life - and yours - into her hands. She wore dark clothes at night. She didn't make sure it was safe to cross. She'd probably done it so many times, she forgot to be careful.

What if, at the last moment, you had seen her and swerved into oncoming traffic? What if you had died? And the family in the car that you just hit? Or, maybe you would have driven into a tree and suffered life-altering injuries (aside from the PTSD, I mean)?

The woman took a chance. A gamble. Like with Russian Roulette, it doesn't matter how many times you win. You only lose once.

I hope you've got a good therapist. You need to release yourself from this burden. I think EMDR would be a great therapy for you.

 

[Ruinedforever]

She is really good therapist, actually! She deals with trauma, as she's disclosed with me before, she has had her own trauma from her childhood, as a result of a car accident. I've brought up the idea of EMDR with her, but she's not qualified for it.

My best friend, who also has PTSD, has had EMDR therapy. It's helped with her, but the things she's told me, scare me so so much.

 

[Kailani]

I am so sorry this happened to you!!! It was an accident!!!! Accidents happen all the time!!! It doesn't sound like anyone's fault- just an awful, horrible accident! Glad you are okay! You sound normal and healthy to me taking every step to stay well and cope with this trauma! May you have all the support you need! This is a great place with people that understand and even if they don't they try and want the best for others. There is a wealth of info here! Welcome!

 

[Deleted member 33052]

She is really good therapist, actually! She deals with trauma, as she's disclosed with me before,...

I'm so glad to hear that you have a good connection with your therapist. I'm currently doing EMDR. I've heard that it can be scary, but mine has never been scary in any way. I highly recommend it.