My Combat Veteran Boyfriend Lies And Cheats

[Gabriela]

I admire your heart of compassion and care for him. It's great that you were able to talk to his mom...

You touch on so much of what my conflict has been. I don't find it harsh at all, and I appreciate the response.

I have worried that, even with the best of intentions, my taking him back will not really be supportive, may actually perpetuate his bad habits by not setting consequences. That he has to fly solo as he figures this all out if he's ever going to be good to any woman.

And then I admit to potentially selfish motivations. I don't feel as though I am painting him "a good man" because I am whitewashing his behavior under the label of PTSD. The PTSD angle is actually a pretty new one. He's a good man because he's helpful and reliable and strong and smart and funny and adventurous - 90% of the time. I truly feel as though he acts out some negative self-image that isn't representative of the man I see at all. So my real desire to hang on to him may have more to do with not wanting to lose someone whose company I enjoy and someone whom I've grown to care about very deeply and not be in his best interest at all.

Obviously, if I choose to stay with him, I will be learning as I go and will probably rely more and more on support groups such as this forum to look for guidance. For example, I didn't know that he needs to go to counseling alone, that my presence could hinder his treatment. I guess I felt that couples counseling was best so we could figure things out as a unit, but that's great insight and I appreciate it. Maybe we both need independent counseling...

Maybe I need to let him start sorting out his demons on his own and just support him from afar, and postpone any move or decision about our relationship or anything....

Maybe I really should shitcan him and I'd really be doing us both a favor...

Because what you describe sounds rough. And I'm a strong person, but how corrosive would it ultimately be? Would it ultimately have the opposite affect of what I'm hoping for? Destruction instead of rebuilding?

I also fear that dumping him will register with him as just another person giving up on him and I don't want to do that, but I do need to consider myself and my well-being. You've given me a lot to consider. I will consider my own boundaries and support system. Thank you.

 

[Neverthesame]

my taking him back will not really be supportive, may actually perpetuate his bad habits

This is entirely possible. Not a given, but certainly possible.

And then I admit to potentially selfish motivations

These thoughts and feelings, are important to recognise. You cannot see out, without first looking in.

if I choose to stay with him, I will be learning as I go and will probably rely more and more on support groups such as this forum

You are not the first person to be in this position. Nor will you be the last.

I've no doubt that there are other supporters here that would be happy to lend you their wisdom and support.

Maybe I really should shitcan him and I'd really be doing us both a favor...

This is also entirely possible. Keep an exit strategy. If it comes to this, having a plan in place will only be to your benefit.

I do need to consider myself and my well-being.

Never forget this. This doesn't change priorities, ever. Irregardless of whether a relationship involves PTSD or not. This is always super important.

Whatever you choose to do. I wish you the best of luck.

And since he is indeed a vet. I also thank him for his service.

 

[Justmehere]

PTSD sufferers need supporters who can stick it out, to whatever degree they can, within limits. What happens to a lot of supporters is that they jump in feet first, go all in, try to be more than the sufferer can accept and they get overwhelmed, the sufferer runs or sabatoges, the supporter feels abandoned and hurt, then one party or the other jumps ship suddenly and the sufferer and supporter both feel terrible.

Instead the best approach is boundaried, with exit plans and connections to outside support, and to go very slow with any decisions of greater closeness and intimacy. It requires the sufferer to be working in their stuff, and it's ideal if they don't have to be pushed into doing it but they are already ready to do that hard work.

So my real desire to hang on to him may have more to do with not wanting to lose someone whose company I enjoy and someone whom I've grown to care about very deeply

This is so important. Remembering the good about him that you enjoy is not a small thing. It doesn't excuse the bad behavior but remembering things like this will help sort out if you should go or stay. It shouldn't be all about sacrificing but about if the relationship brings good things in your life that outweigh the bad (which isn't small in this situation.) It is ok to leave because the pain isn't worth the good for either you or him.

For example, I didn't know that he needs to go to counseling alone, that my presence could hinder his treatment. I guess I felt that couples counseling was best so we could figure things out as a unit, but that's great insight and I appreciate it. Maybe we both need independent counseling...

Yeah, the world of recovery from trauma involves a lot to learn. Plus, he may have more than possible PTSD going on too. He may have been a pathological liar before serving in the military. He could have a personality disorder or he could just be a jerk. All variables that are unknowns.

He will likely need his own individual therapy to work through the trauma and lying and how to cope and ect. This doesn't rule out couples therapy - it may be a very good idea if you choose to stay. Couples therapy alone isn't where he is really going to do the work he needs to do on his own symptoms. It is more of a place for couples to work out how does the relationship work in light of the symptoms that are there. It is not easy to do for either side. The therapist will likely challenge you too, if they are good, they I'll look at what stuff you bring into the relationship as well (and we all have stuff.) It is a good thing, and regardless if this relationship works out or not, talking to a therapist or counselor on your own might help in your own process through this. Being cheated on is no small matter.

Maybe I need to let him start sorting out his demons on his own and just support him from afar, and postpone any move or decision about our relationship or anything....

Postponement of any moving in together is really wise. Taking more time to think things through is much better than going too fast.

 

[Gabriela]

This is entirely possible. Not a given, but certainly possible.


These thoughts and feelings, are...

Thank you for your input and support. It really means a lot. I guess every relationship is about balance, and we're definitely entering a new normal, so redetermining my needs and my limits has to be addressed. And of course, if I really have what it takes to stand by him for the long haul when things get rough.

 

[Gabriela]

PTSD sufferers need supporters who can stick it out, to whatever degree they can, within limits. What...

Thank you so much for taking the time to share your insight and wisdom. It's just one day at a time right now and I have decided to take some of the pressure off of myself for the time being. It's in my nature to want to control things (ahem -- my own issue to sort out -- ahem), but last night I told him (after a week of not speaking) that I am still conflicted, and if he is serious about "getting help" - whatever that means to him - he needs to get going on that, with or without me. Now, I just want to give it another week or so and see what he does. I was scrambling to look up therapists , VA options, and support groups, but it's NOT MY PROBLEM. If he wants to find a counselor, he can do it on his own. If he gets overwhelmed, of course I will help him, but I want the decision of what to do to be his own. I'm curious to see what he comes up with.

And in the meantime, I may just seek out a counselor of my own and, at the very least, start coming up with a serious list of non-negotiable parameters for us moving forward that includes what I need from him AND what I need for/from myself.

I feel very proactive and determined right now, more focused than I have felt since the bomb was dropped, and I owe so much of that to you and your candid advice. Thank you so much.

 

[Sighs]

Be very careful about forming the opinion that he is not scum (or that he is scum.) Veterans are people too. PTSD sufferers are people too. Some of them are great people, some are not. Don't make his worth be all about what he has endured or is suffering with. It cheapens who he is as a person, a full person. Who may or may not be scum.

Just to be clear - seeing as I introduced the term into this thread - the only people we were referring to as scum are people who pretend to have combat PTSD when in fact they never even served.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Has he gotten treatment from the VA before? Does he have an official diagnosis?

 

[Gabriela]

Has he gotten treatment from the VA before? Does he have an official diagnosis?

No formal diagnosis. That is actually one thing I'd like him to do: See a doctor for an official diagnosis & treatment regimen. The only rehabilitation he's gone through is physical rehab (although he did some psychiatric therapy at the time in correlation, but it was more in the nature of determining if he was still fit for active duty rather than as a measure of ongoing aftercare) and he was a participant in a nightmare sleep study with a local college because of his violent trauma-related dreams.

I think it has been something he has understood that he has peripherally, but he has been so highly functioning for the most part that I think he felt that he had (wanted to believe he had?) it handled. Now, that it's causing him to abuse and potentially lose someone he cares about, he is finally admitting that he has a real problem. Maybe it will finally motivate him to get the help he needs, maybe he's blowing smoke. It's really difficult to say given his dodgy history. So, only time will tell.

I'm still firmly on the fence until I see what steps he takes to seek treatment and rehabilitate.

 

[Sighs]

If nothing changes then nothing changes. Cautiously cheering him on as he makes changes to his life seems like a good plan to me.

 

[Gabriela]

If nothing changes then nothing changes. Cautiously cheering him on as he makes changes to his life seems...

I really like the way you put that. "Cautiously cheering him on." That's perfect.

 

[Sweetpea76]

If he hasn't been rated for his physical injuries and PTSD with the VA, it might be something for him to consider. I believe he would need a diagnosis first to be eligible for any kind of disability rating for the PTSD though. If he needs help, usually his local VFW can recommend an advocate.

 

[Gabriela]

If he hasn't been rated for his physical injuries and PTSD with the VA, it might be something for him...

This is great information for someone who doesn't really know where to begin. Thank you so much!