PreciousChild
MyPTSD Pro
I was listening to a podcast on narcissism. I believe my bf's ex is narcissistic and my father was highly narcissistic, so I find listening to these podcasts helpful. But this time, rather than seeing those two people in what the doctor was saying, I started recognizing myself in the behaviors that the doctor was describing. He was talking about how narcissists are motivated by a deep-seated need to be the star of the show and to be propped up. None of this is surprising, but as I listened, I realized that I was guilty of exactly the same behaviors as the narcissist. For example, the narcissist is hyper-sensitive to negative feedback and basically modifies their behavior to avoid or prohibit that. They build up a false reality of self that is meant to elicit praise or sympathy. Of course, they still have a shadow self that they bury deep down. The doctor said that narcissists cannot tolerate other people's freedom. They can't allow people to have free opinions about them because they fear that they will be negative and not go along with the narcissist's program. So they control, manipulate, insist to get good treatment. In a way, that's exactly what I do. I live in fear of doing something "wrong" or being perceived as such - in my childhood that meant getting abandoned and hostility from my parents. I get triggered if I think I've gotten on the wrong side of someone or if I sense criticism, so I try to act in a way that would elicit positive responses. Another thing I related to was his saying that narcissists need to be constantly propped up as "legitimate." This of course speaks to their extreme fragility on the inside and the feeling that they are not legit. I related to this characteristic in the way I sometimes shatter when I think I did something weird or wrong and I think my bf will abandon me. I become triggered and revert to a time when doing something wrong meant abuse and trauma. During those times, I intensely need reassurance. But isn't that exactly what is motivating the narcissist? The narcissist insists that her supply needs to prop her up and will not accept any other reaction; she has to control the situation and get only positive feedback or she'll collapse. I'm finding it liberating to identify with these narcissistic traits because I see how despite the intensity of the feelings behind those behaviors, they still might not be based in reality or justified. It felt liberating the thought that people are free to have their own opinions about me. I will be okay, I can assess my own self and I don't need someone else to prop me up. It was also liberating to think that I don't have to spend my life constantly scanning for negative feedback about me. So what if someone thinks low of me, I don't have to think low of myself. I'm pretty sure that I was going down the road of narcissism just like my father in my early 20's, but time and therapy lead me down a different path, or so I thought. Whether I actually do have narcissistic tendencies or not, I think it's helpful to identify with some of these tendencies. In many ways, I don't identify with narcissistic tendencies like manipulating, exploiting, gaslighting, breadcrumbing, etc.
About ten years ago, I started recognizing myself in the way personality disorders were being described - rages and extreme fear of abandonment, etc. It came at a time that I healed a lot already, and it was really helpful for me to see that even if my pain seemed like a 911 emergency, it needn't have to be everyone else's. It helped me to put a distance between my triggers and my reactions, and allowed me to inject more empathy into how I communicated. I feel like I'm having such a moment in which I feel strong enough to reflect and feel accountable.
About ten years ago, I started recognizing myself in the way personality disorders were being described - rages and extreme fear of abandonment, etc. It came at a time that I healed a lot already, and it was really helpful for me to see that even if my pain seemed like a 911 emergency, it needn't have to be everyone else's. It helped me to put a distance between my triggers and my reactions, and allowed me to inject more empathy into how I communicated. I feel like I'm having such a moment in which I feel strong enough to reflect and feel accountable.