Sexual Assault My dad overcompensates and it triggers me

[AliciaEff]

So, I can’t be 100% sure that this is what he’s doing, but it seems like my dad is overcompensating for my trauma and PTSD by trying to show that he is on my side.

I was sexually abused and he apends a lot of time talking about how sexual abuse is bad, and how survivors should be believed, and all this stuff. He may not always be aware that I was abused because we never talk about it, so he could easily forget. However, it doesn’t matter if he’s “on my side” I can’t stand him talking about it and it can trigger anxiety if he does it too much, or if I’ve had a bad day.

Does anyone else here have this problem with their friends or family?

 

[EveHarrington]

Hi, can I ask how old you are?

 

[Gs172003]

I'm sure the Nassar thing has alot to do with it. So many of those parents dropped the ball it's rediculous and was just in the news. Maybe he wants you to know that he would never do that to you? As a parent I would probably be the same way if I was in his shoes to be honest.

 

[AliciaEff]

I’m in my 20s, I haven’t really seen my dad since the Nassar thing as we don’t live together, but I work part-time for him. Sometimes from my house, but usually at his office.

Over the last 3 years, I did live with him on and off for a while until I could find a good living arrangement, but he talks more about it with other people in front of me, and not so much with me directly.

 

[Fadeaway]

It sounds like your dad really cares and is trying hard to be supportive. Coming from someone who wasn't believed and otherwise was blamed, I think your dad sounds pretty awesome and I think more parents should be like him. I know it isn't the answer you want but it honestly makes me happy to see a parent responding like this. The world needs more parents like him.

 

[Sweetleaf]

People who had bad parents often dismiss the issues of people with good parents. It's like saying "I had my arm amputated, therefore your broken arm means nothing. In fact, it's a good thing!"

Yes, it is great to have a parent who believes you and doesn't place blame on you or do any -intentionally- hurtful things. However, that doesn't mean that one is invulnerable to being triggered or harmed. People's good intentions can actually wind up being pretty hurtful. Good intentions are not carte blanche to do whatever you want as long as you meant well, and face no opposition to your actions.

My mom frequently brings up my trauma, despite having pleaded with her many times to not talk about it unless I bring it up, or it's already been brought up. Like, she outright asks me things about it or just out of nowhere mentions things about it. She also asks me how my therapy went -every single week- and -every single time- I tell her not to talk about it or ask about it, because to explain what goes on during sessions any more than the generalizations I've already given, would be extremely distressing. I have had many good days turned sour by these things. It feels like a total unwillingness to be understanding. Very much like my mother. Extremely stubborn, and pretty much impossible to change her opinion on something once she has made it. If she has good intentions when she does something, she will attack you even if you gently try to talk about how you didn't like it or how it was harmful.

 

[Friday]

This is one of those places where rock solid boundaries reeeeally help.

1.To be very clear, boundaries don’t change anyone else’s behavior. They change OUR behavior, in relation to theirs. It may seem like a subtle difference, in practice, but it’s actually pretty durn huge. Other people are going to do what they’re going to do. We can ask them to stop, tell them to stop, but we can’t make them stop... so by focusing on what we do next when they don’t stop? It gives us both options (takes the ball out of their court) & a plan to action.

So it’s not telling them “If you do this, then I’m going to do that,” which tends to be more of a warning / threat / ultimatum/ attempt to manipulate the other person into not doing this, to avoid you doing that.

Instead it’s telling yourself “If they do this, then I will do that.”

2. The second most important thing about boundaries IMO is picking ones you’ll actually DO. Because if you pick a response you don’t want to, or won’t follow through on? What that does is start shifting your boundaries.

Big boundaries are easy to example “If they bring up rape, I will leave.”

But? Smaller reactions & even silly reactions are still laying down boundaries. “If they bring up rape, I will leave the room.... or.... hang up the phone, close my eyes count to 10 in Greek & change the conversation, make a ridiculous face at them, do the macarena, start reciting the Gettysburg Address, etc.” ;) Hey, no rule I have to be graceful, polite, or serious! My boundaries are my own. It’s about protecting myself, and remaining solid In myself. Sometimes, what I really need in a situation is levity. Other times it’s a moment to gather myself, others it’s exit stage left. What I do is about what I need.

 

[Fadeaway]

@Friday, that is the best description of boundaries I have ever seen. Been looking for a long time for info like this, go figure that I would stumble on to it here. LOL The concept of boundaries always mystified me because it was always explained in a way of changing the other persons behavior. Especially in D.V. recovery classes. How the hell do you enforce them, has always been my biggest question.

 

[AliciaEff]

My mom was annoying about my trauma when I first told her. I said I wasn’t ready to answer questions and she immediately asked “do I know the person? Was it a family member? When did this happen?” And between each question I kept repeating that I didn’t want to answer questions.

Usually with my dad I will put earbuds in and blare music if that is an availabel option, but sometimes the damage has already been done so I need to put in a lot of work to take care of myself.

I am happy that my parents care, but this is still an issue for me.

 

[Gs172003]

I know it drives my oldest daughter crazy that I want her to get help (and my youngest son for that matter) but she refuses. She's been self medicating for years and took off across the country to "escape" her life living in her danged car. But I'm her mom. I want what's best for her. I don't hound her but I will drop hints on occasion.