My diary of random thoughts

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@AnnieMae, I feel like shit on a daily basis. I literally feel like I've been driven mad by trauma and abuse but I don't play the victim 24/7 because that blame game and victimization gets me no-where. I have to take my responsibility in trying to heal and move forward in life. Otherwise I'd go insane, drive everyone else insane and probably commit suicide.

you've got to stop playing the victim and blaming everyone else all the time about the state your in why you can't do "this" or "that". You also mentioned that there was 'nothing wrong with you before all this happened'. This is a cognitive distortion because if you didn't have issues then all of this wouldn't have affected you the way it has. Were you a perfect well balanced human being? I doubt it.
I was. My career was taking off, I had friends, finances in order, a good house, I was close to my family. It was all balanced. I didn’t need meds to sleep. Things didn’t constantly go wrong.
I am alone. Alone is depressing. Alone is awful. My life of moving up and being around people and growing is over. I truly see myself for who I am now. The world has basically shown me. I am so tired and depressed now. I am busy. Busy by myself and I don’t like it at all. It’s scary and people are truly mean to me. I just don’t get it.
It’s all situational. I don’t fit in anywhere and I have no help- which means I am helpless. You had a nervous breakdown- you’re weak. You stick up for yourself- you’re a bitch. You like to read- you’re a nerd. My life will never ever be the same and every one else thinks it’s good- not for me. I suck at people yet I have to deal with the o es I don’t like for the rest of my life, but I can’t have those that I want in my life. I have way too much on my plate. And no one can help me. I was under so much stress from him that I lost my mind now I lost so many opportunities and they aren’t there anymore. Everyone tells me it’s because I’m not looking but it’s true. I’ve looked, applied, been shot down, yet all I can do is…nothing. I just want to be by my sister.
The weirdness is not going away. Still no sleep, still feel like crap. Just noticing that nothing is what it seems and that is depressing. I have bought so many things I don’t need, wasted so much money and I feel like there really is no help, no answers and no way to get better. I feel like everything is fake. And I am so angry about everything. It’s the circumstances of my life. I was set up before, lied to and manipulated. Everything the therapist has told me about people has been wrong except I am naive. That I believe. My head hurts, body hurts and I can’t stop freaking out. Why can’t I meet a normal person? That’s all I want to know…
The only question I have is what do you do when someone has f*cked with your mind and life so bad, but you are the only one that sees it? When you had good intentions and it was turned against you, you had your dreams in sight, and someone pulled them all away? But you don’t have the mental strength to overcome all of it because it created a complete landslide of your life? You don’t know which way is up, down, or sideways??? It’s messed up…the good vs evil in my head and in life is so bad right now. I can’t make a good decision. Who can I trust other than my family and people I have known for a while???? And my mind slips into this weird place and dark place…all because he f*cked with me…intentionally. It’s funny, everyone I talk to that is psychologically trained says that he is a psycho, sociopath, narcissistic…but why do I feel this way? It’s enough to drive a person insane…oh wait, it did. I can’t focus enough to even get rid of all of the clothes and shoes I bought. I feel guilty for liking my family, guilty for not having friends, but most of all, guilty for having feelings. He always said I was a sensitive. I guess I am…but now it’s worse. All I ever wanted was a normal life…that’s it. I’ve never been so disrespected in my life, but ever since that day, it’s falling apart. I am screwed because I am in constant freeze mode. He knew what to do…move on, steal my money and play on my insecurities. I really just want to be with my family, but because I am insecure, I go with everyone else. Wanting better… wanting better than hardworking people that have had rough times. Or do I feel guilty for their bad decisions??? Everything is just black and white, and I feel if I don’t chose sides, I will never get ahead, but if I do I might chose the wrong one, and if I’m neutral, I will be stuck. One thing that sucks…seeing my siblings with children knowing if I want them I have to find someone that loves me enough to try hard. Watching my parents get old….my dad with cancer and my mom with severe arthritis. Yet, they want to help me, be a they are good people. I feel so socially awkward, it’s awful. And now….things are so complicated and my mind literally feels like it has been bashed in, that I don’t know what is true and what isn’t… to me, that means my life is screwed because I am going back to what I know…which is bad habits and definitely people pleasing since I was in trouble for something I didn’t do, and I don’t know what to do. I worked hard to get where I was…please God, please don’t tell me my life peaked at 30….nothing is improving situationally…just somewhat mentally…not because I want it…but because I have to. I’m seeing someone I have no feelings for. It’s only a short matter of time before he dumps me
Believe??? That is what I’m told. Believe in myself, believe in other people…what am I supposed to believe in when what I was presented were lies??? Everything is a lesson…can’t get that out of my mind and I have no guidance. My feelings and actions are all over the place…not having a sense of self outside of my family is rough. The world scares the hell out of me…my ex scared the hell out of me…I can’t make a good sound decision. Get rid of the house or keep it and sell in a few years when it’s worth more???? Everyone believes in themselves. I lost my mind and can’t get it back…how does that even happen??? Anxiety…feelings…👎🏻
Well, I am no longer confused. I am just not good enough and everything I do is wrong. All I want to do is be by my sister. But that won’t happen. I’m not happy. I’m pissed. Move on to better things…then tell me what is better because obviously I suck at knowing what is and until I learn my lesson, I will always be alone. I hate being alone. I have been alone for most of my life. As a kid all I really had was my siblings, now, same, but I am not by them. I can’t deal with the mind games that happened, they ruined my life and I’m constantly seeing my life just go to shit. You can stop it is what I’m told, but then when I tell the therapist what is really happen and how I feel…well, the she doesn’t know. I wish I had a fun life again. It’s been 8 years now
No one gave 2 shits about what was going on. I will never have the life I want because I had a serious mental breakdown and nothing is working out as planned and all I can do is suffer with it. My actions… what about his actions. No one can prove a mental mind game but I have to suffer the consequences
My life is going to shit and there’s nothing I can do! I am scared of everything. All I want to do is have the life I used to have and I can’t. I have so much going on it’s ridiculous. I want out. I want to be by my family. I wish everyone could just be together again. I hate life and getting older. None of this is fun…
Every rejection is just another wound, another thing that makes me feel like absolute crap. Always anticipating the worst since all that stuff happened, and always going back and forth. There are opportunities opening up that I always wanted, but I know I am not qualified enough to get it. I am not as great as I thought I was I guess. It’s like just too much all at once and is frustrating as all hell
How do you have self love when you’ve had a nervous breakdown for 7 years, you have no friends, you can’t do better job wise, friend wise, or pick a place to stay, and you are losing your mind being alone. Oh, and you believe in psychics because you lost your mind and all hope to have a life like you used to have that was so perfect?
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