My Favorite Best Friend In The World Is Buried In My Backyard

[Philippa]

I have been caving in my room for the past week, overcoming jet-lag, twisted ankle, and dead cat. What a holiday. Did it ruin my holiday, one friend assumed this morning...well, no. I feel a bit guilty for saying that no, it didn't. I paid good money for the art course in Bali, and I intended to get the most out of my stay there, regardless of the cat situation. I put all the grief on the back burner though, and let myself cry at times, when I really needed to. People were supportive and gave me credit for coping as well as I did.

I haven't really wanted to speak about her death since I read about it 3 weeks ago. That was not the best time in my life, and a friend asked if the women who was minding my cat could have not told me about it while i was away and then when it got closer to the time to return, tell me then...but I'm sure the woman I left april with had considered that, and thought it best to tell me straight away, as she may have preferred to be told?

I don't know...all I know is that she told me, and here we are. I dealt with it because I had to, in Ubud, but it did make me think, would I tell someone if it were me minding their baby while they were on holiday? On first thought it would seem like it would be better not to tell them, let them enjoy their holiday without having to think about reality...that seems nice and kind. If I had thought that april was alive the whole time though, and then she told me on the day I returned "Oh but I didn't want to tell you in case it ruined your holiday, but...you're cat died while I was minding her and I thought you should know...

I guess it is hard to know. I won't be minding ANYONE'S pet for a very long time, if ever. If someone elses baby died under my care, I'd be mortified.

So anyway, it's supposed to be a thread where I actually talk about my baby having died...talk about the mystery of her dying, how unfair it is, how it's all different now that she doesn't wake me up every morning, or it's too quiet when I wake up, and I'm not used to my hand not being chewed at 6 a.m. ALl these things that made my life...mine, with her...I don't know where to start...

I've been stoned all week, which is usually so not the way I like to operate, especially when it comes to grief and darker emotions. I believe every emotion deserves to be fully experienced and felt and heard, but sometimes I just can't handle it...and this is one of those times. I didn't want to be alone, or by myself when I picked her body up.

It turned out to be a bit of a funny night...mainly because I got so stoned and we got sooooooooo lost one the way to the vets. My friend drove us, and we got lost. Half way through us being lost, she decides that she didn't really want to come and get the cat with me THAT night, and that she felt pressured, by me, to drive her out there, and she missed her night camping out to prepare for the markets the next morning.

So, not only did I have to deal with my dead cat, and the grief from that alone...but I also had to deal with being told that my friend, whilst she did want to help get the cat with me...felt pressured by me to get the cat, and remembered a different version of reality to what I thought I heard.

It almost turned into an argument, but it turned out that she was only trying to express her feelings, and let me know that this is how she felt.

I then felt bad that I had pressured my friend into doing something she didn't want to do...but I have to wonder whether she only remembered that she felt pressured, when she got sick of being lost? She was fully all for it prior to that...and if she hadn't have gotten lost we'd have arrived there at least 2 hours before and might have then been able to make it to the camping site, which was where we were going to go after I'd buried her...which was the POINT of the mission.

Anyway, I understand that she had every right to express her feelings to me...I just wish it could have waited until I was not so upset. We'd just gotten home with her body, and were just chowing down on some totally healthy burger options from McDonalds (much to my disgust that there was nothing else opened) Grief+ burgers=weed= more grief. It wasn't gonna get better anytime soon, so did she really need to bring it up at THAT particular point? AM I wrong for feeling like "What tha...? You pick me up nearly 3 hours late and then wonder why we didn't get to the vet until 11 pm!

Anyway...I still need to let that go by the looks of it.

How am I processing aprils' death? Slowly! It hasn't really hit me...and I buried her 2 days ago (that I can remember)

I wanted to speak about it with empathic and compassionate people present. I haven't really been around anyone mean since I found out, so it's all a bit tender and delicate. I keep waiting for someone to say "It's just a cat...get over it" but I seem to have manifested quite a group of loving, caring and sensitive individuals, so no such luck.

 

[Philippa]

She was wrapped in a white cloth, like a frozen mummy. The nurse put the bundle of her frozen ice-block encapsulated body wrapped in a towel as well, so they took great care that I would not see her the way she was...and I'm grateful for that. I would not have had the strength to collect her by myself. With a friend it was easier, but still distressing.

I feel softness just for a moment when I remember how dignified they made her for me. It was such a nice thing. I was not as fortunate the first time I had a cat die on me. The first time, she not only got torn into 3 different parts, but the PARTS were then dug up by a dog and eaten the same night I buried her, so that was ultra traumatizing in itself.

I worried that I would not dig the hole deep enough, and another dog would come and dig her up, or a fox this time. But I made sure nothing could get to her, and placed a concrete slab over where she is buried. It isn't the most aesthetically pleasing gravestone, but it is a practical means for keeping her body safe from defilement.

OK, my weed induced coma is starting to fade,, and I am starting to feel again...

 

[Tanishq]

Philippa, I don't know what to say. I am sending you big hug, if you would like to have.

 

[Philippa]

Yes thankyou Jaret. From you I would like a hug. I really just want to get stoned again, but I know this has been coming for a while now.

 

[ashdawn8287]

I am sorry your cat died. Losing a pet is hard.

Do you think maybe there are PTSD feelings related in this? If so, how are they connect to your cats death.

I am actually taking a course about death this semester. Everybody grieves differently, even with animals. So people are resilient to death and don't really show emotions. Others, like yourself it really throws them off.

That doesn't make sense about your friend. I wouldn't worry about it. I bet she was just getting impatient and maybe a little unsympathetic, we can't expect everyone to be as devasted as us, when things like losing a pet occurred. I am sorry she behaved like that.

As for weed, it's okay IMO to use it every once in awhile, just not 24/7. I understand the not wanting to block emotions out, but hey you just lost a pet. It's okay.

I would have told the person right away if the cat died. How did she die anyways? I would have told them just because I would want to know and I wouldn't have wanted to be blamed for the death (people react with death and look for someone to blame sometimes-not saying that is what you do or anything) by keeping it from you for a few weeks. That would have been my thought process.

Have you thought about getting a kitten now? That might help.

Again, I am sorry for your loss, but like you said, "it is just a cat." I won't tell you to just get over it though because it really is tragic losing a fury friend.

 

[Philippa]

Thankyou for saying ashdawn8287.About your question, I'm not really too sure actually, if any of the feelings are related to PTSD. If there are, it might have more to do with the burial than her actually being dead. As I mentioned earlier, my first cat got torn to pieces by a possum from next door, and then a dog dug what was left of her up and ate her. That was hugely traumatic for me, if not somewhat comical in a macabre way.

Yes, my friend doesn't seem to get that when people do things that aren't the way she would do them, that doesn't necessarily make them wrong, it just means they do things differently to her. She seems to think that people who do everything the way she would do it, or think she would, are right and everyone who isn't, is wrong. I'm starting to work that out about her. She is much younger than me...like in her early 20's, and I'm 39 now, so there is a bit of an age difference.

I trusted that the woman I left my cat with did her best and did what she thought was best at the time. I don't hold any ill feelings towards her for telling me the news. I didn't think too much about whether I would have done the same in her position, I have just been going with the flow of things, as they unfolded.

I did not find out how my cat died. It would have cost me $900 for an autopsy and I was not about to spend that to find out, so it will remain forever a mystery how she died. If she was an unhealthy, neglected animal it would be understandable, but I made sure she ate the best food, (for a cat) and tried nearly every litter there was to find the right one for her. We'd finally found it when this happened...which I guess is just typical.

Yes, I have considered getting another kitten. I found it especially hard on days like today, getting used to the weirdness of waking up at a decent hour, without a mischevous kitten attached to my arm chewing on my hand, and popping her head out from under the covers. It was hard today to come to terms with her being in the process of decomposing right under my bedroom.

I don't smoke weed all the time, so I wasn't looking for approval or condemnation for that one. I'm ok with it, and I think it is understandable at times like these.Admittedly, I still am craving getting stoned and every minute I consider visiting my friend down the road who I know has just lost his job and has plenty of time on his hands now, and plenty of weed...AND he likes me. I'm not going to go around there, but it's very tempting to.

So the jury is out about whether I want a new kitten or whether I want to enjoy the new freedom my baby has gifted me with. My first thoughts were that I don't want to live in this place with a new kitten. This was Aprils home, and territory, and if I get a new kitten, it will be in a new home. I'm enjoying the prospects of that possibility in the future, but also just getting my bearings now, and looking at saving money to travel more. Maybe visit a man I'm interested in, who lives up north...

I don't know. The possibilities are endless. :)

Yes, I think I would probably prefer knowing than finding out the person lied to me to spare my feelings, Different people have different values and motivations for doing what they think they will do, or what they say they will do, or what they actually do. What we do and what we think we will do in a situation are very different to what we actually end up doing...that is what I've learned in this life. It's all good in theory, for someone else until they are forced into the same situation, they really don't have any right to judge, but we do judge, because that's how human operate. We judge and we are judged, daily.

The woman who minded my cat is a dedicated animal activist and vegan for 20 years...if I could have left my baby in anyone's good hands, it would have been this woman, though I'm sure she will never accept an invitation to mind someone's pet again after this. The poor woman already has PTSD...and now this she has to live with...as a vegan animal acitivist!! And not once did she accuse me of feeding her wrong food or doing the wrong thing by april in any way...she was just compassionate towards me and trying to do the best thing.

It did not ruin my holiday because I didn't allow it to.

 

[Philippa]

It's interesting that you said my friend showed a lack of sympathy for my situation. I'd just finished typing a message to a good friend who has helped me through a very very difficult time while I've been taking a total cut off all contact approach to my parents and brothers, and asked her what her opinion was about the timing that she brought all that up, and did I have any right to think it was a bit much to lay that on me at that particular time?

It occurred to me when I read your post that this particular friend has a thing about people in her reality not showing HER enough sympathy, though she seems to constantly need it, from me, from everyone...and no matter how outrageous her requests are (to stay with her in the outdoor toilet at night, because she 'gets scared') , she seems to think she needs a lot of sympathy.

It is triggering to me in some ways because I actually have a real problem with asking for or receiving sympathy in my life. I've had it drilled into me for so many years, that sympathy is not something people willingly give a lot of, so it's best not to expect it or ask for it, and then I won't be disappointed. Or something like that...I concluded that empathy is helpful, compassion is always helpful...sympathy is not going to help the situation, or if it does, it will only be temporary. That has been my thinking around it, and I know it is screwed up...but there it is.

I keep meeting super sensitive women, who are creative, intelligent and beautiful, but who seem to think that everyone is 'making' them feel or do something, and too busy being victims in their attitude, that they cannot see how they are also creating the situation. My friend seems to seek sympathy from me all the time, and yet when it comes time for me to be in a situation that might warrant some natural sympathy from people (in my mind that is the ONLY time when sympathy is ever given anyway, and the only time when it is deserved or warranted. I have some idea how I came to think this way, and that it's not necessarily 'right' it's just how I've formed over the years, and with the varying influences of my own parents and the way they think about things like this.

 

[twopenny]

I'm really sorry about your cat.

I've lost three cats who were best friends over the years, and have come to the conclusion that there's no such thing as "just a cat". If you have a friend, and if you love something, you love it. That's how it is, and you have to grieve when you lose them. The process is just the same. It must have been an extra refinement to have not been there.

I think some people have a hard time dealing with people who don't react to things in the same way they do, or who behave in ways that they wouldn't. And some people have trouble empathising with a situation they've never been in. Not at all sure what I'm trying to say here, so will stop (sorry, my brain's a bit fuzzled today).

Just wanted to say I'm sorry.

 

[Philippa]

Yes thankyou twopenny. I certainly didn't think of her as "just a cat". I was more using the words in terms of how others who are mean might view it. I've had my brother laugh at me for crying when my father killed my pet mouse, who was, at that time, my best friend...as sad as that is. I was sharing with a male friend earlier, that I was actually in love with my cat, in a total non-sexual, non-creepy way. We had a life...together. Now i have My life...without her, and that is going to take some getting used to.

Some people definitely don't know how to empathize with someone if they've never been in the same situation before, so thanks for reminding me about that. I don't think she did anything 'wrong' as such, and I've taken her age into account as well. She's young, she thinks she's right about everything and the way she does things is how they are meant to be done, and how others choose to do things, if they are not done like her then they are not 'right'. Right...gotcha. My friend thinks I'm a lam-O...Yay!

Nah, she probably doesn't but that's how it feels at times when I'm with her. She loves me, but sometimes she expresses herself in a really really no holds barred way that leaves absolutely no chance for the imagination to have not grasped what she is trying to say. Gotta love creative types whom I love to surround myself with. They will never have trouble telling you how they feel.

I think it's also just me adapting to actually having a friend who would help me in such a situation. It may be taken for granted that many people have friends they can rely on for things like this, but I have not had this happen while I've had female friends in the past, so in the times when I had trauma and death of animals that were close to me occur, I had no one to ask for support.

This is really a first for me, so I'm not sure how much to raise with her, and how much to just let go? I'm feeling like i need to just let it go...but a part of me also feels like I need to approach her about the timing thing and see if she can admit that she may have exercised bad judgement in that instance.

 

[ashdawn8287]

I am glad you wrote so much and thought critically about this. I hope it gave you some insight or it helped you sort out things a little. I am glad she is an animal activist, but don't feel bad hon, things happen that are out of our control you didn't mean to cause her harm with her PTSD by your cat dying. She will find a way to deal with it herself. I am sure you know this too and it is easier said than done.

I think you should honor the memory of your cat by remembering the good things about april and how such a little creature can have such a great benefit to healing. I hope you do get a new kitten! Their are a lot of cats out there that need the kind of love from people like us. You seem to be a lovely person and a kitten would benefit from a home like yours.

Aw you have a baby? How many months? That is really sweet. Congratulations. I can't wait to be a mother after I get married next September. It is what I was born to do.

Anyways, I am here if you need that sympathy just send me a conversation or post on here. I am a very sympathetic and compassionate person. I understand how childhood abuse affects the way you think about life and what to not expect out of others. A lot of people it seems, though not all people, have a lack of compassion because they are struggling with their own selves. I could go on and on about how technology and certain societies has created people to become more individualistic and self centered, but I will spare you lol.

Take care of yourself. You did everything you could. I am very weird when it comes to any kind of death. I grew up around it, seen people die, held there hands while they passed and so on and so fourth. It has just been like that since I was a kid. My first memory is about death. Death doesn't bother me or make me feel uncomfortable it is just a part of life and a motivation to live your life to the fullest, in my opinion. I overdosed last spring too, so that has really changed my fear of death as well (and how STUPID and selfish I was, but again my doctors think it was the medicine Wellbutrin that caused me to behave out of character like that, I lost a sense of control when it happened, I don't really remember it). Allow yourself to grieve. It is very tragic and again I am sorry you lost such a great cat like April.

 

[Phenioxrising]

What I have to say may surprise you but there is a light at the end of the tunnel....but it leads to another one.

 

[SNS]

I'm really sorry you lost your April. I can't imagine how you must be feeling. My heart goes out to you.