My gay boyfriend's son makes me feel furious

[Rose White]

it's so unfair that I have to do this

Yes it is.

how fast kids actually let go of their negative emotions if they are given the opportunity to express it.

Good insight!

 

[Movingforward10]

But how exactly might be connected the emotion of shame and reaction into complete self-denial of such kind? How does this jump happen? Idk why, but for me it's hard to connect this self-hatred to shame, shame as emotion seems quite complicated to comprehend, what exactly stand behind shame? What is shame by itself even...

So I think that is what toxic shame is: it makes the whole of you wrong. Feeling guilty or embarrassed is about something we have done which we might see as wrong in some way. But feeling toxic shame is about us being wrong, rather than something we have done. That's how I see it.

Is it okay that quite often I start grieving from intense anger, then rage, then indignation, and only then it transforms into self-compassion, crying, venting and so on, ending with acceptance and relief? I read that mostly it happens vice versa, from crying to anger.

Perfectly ok. We all have our own journeys, and moving through those emotions to acceptance and relief is the main goal, however you do it.

Little success today. When XYZ came from kindergarden, he suddenly start to cry super loudly because during the day he fell into a show hill. When he started to scream and shout and cry, one of his parents took him on their lap and started to calm down, hug and let him cry. At first I felt intense annoyance, but then I somehow felt empathy to XYZ, so I've sit down near him with his parent and also started to calm him down and hug and somehow it made me feel a little bit better, also noticed how fast kids actually let go of their negative emotions if they are given the opportunity to express it.

Massive success!
Yes, it amazes me how children and adults can move on from negative emotions so quickly. It blows my mind. But we can all get there too. We just haven had the learning and containment those children have had but we can learn that now.