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Relationship My Girlfriend Is Hurt That I Researched Ptsd
- Post starter Josh4757
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digger
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How did she 'find out'? Did you tell her or did she find out some other way? What is she confused about?
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nursenurse
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Why? Denial? Embarrassment? Combination? Whatever you do, don't lord it over her that you know about something that she may not understand, nor wishes to understand at this moment herself. You are doing a good thing by learning, because you can be a better support to her. But empathy takes more listening sometimes than verbalizing. She may not be in a good place to handle a relationship right now. Remember to look after yourself, do things to make you happy apart from her.
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She's not ready for a relationship. If she was, she'd be thanking her lucky stars that you actually care enough to learn about ptsd.
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I guess it depends to some extent how and what you said to her. It might also depend a bit on what type of trauma she suffered.
I asked you before on another thread how old you both were, but you stopped responding to that thread. Also is she in therapy at the moment?
She asked for a break from the relationship already, maybe she really isn't as ready for this relationship as you want her to be.
Or as nursenurse, denial and embarrassment about it could be playing a part. She could be feeling overwhelmed or uneasy about you trying to find things out about her. She may feel threatened by it thinking that your going to be looking at her PTSD instead of at her. She might not be ready to look at the things you're looking at.... There could be all number of reasons why she is uncomfortable with it, and hopefully at some point she will feel able to share that with you.
I asked you before on another thread how old you both were, but you stopped responding to that thread. Also is she in therapy at the moment?
She asked for a break from the relationship already, maybe she really isn't as ready for this relationship as you want her to be.
Or as nursenurse, denial and embarrassment about it could be playing a part. She could be feeling overwhelmed or uneasy about you trying to find things out about her. She may feel threatened by it thinking that your going to be looking at her PTSD instead of at her. She might not be ready to look at the things you're looking at.... There could be all number of reasons why she is uncomfortable with it, and hopefully at some point she will feel able to share that with you.
joeylittle
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@Josh4757, I'm just going to be honest about what I've observed in your threads. Please, take it in the spirit it is offered, which is one of support and understanding.
I think you have somehow slipped into panic mode about your girlfriend's diagnosis. I think that because of how much internal pressure I can read in your posts, the kinds of answers you are looking for. I can tell you care about this girl very, very much.
People are basically animals - all of us. And we read an enormous amount of non-verbal communication. I suspect that your girlfriend can feel your panic and desperation, and if there's one thing a drowning person doesn't want, it's someone else flailing right next to them.
Whatever stage her therapy is at, or where she is in her diagnosis - whatever it is - she's going through a tough time. And of course, you want to be there for her. I think in making sure she knows that you are there for her, you are unintentionally clutching on, and (to follow the swimming metaphor), she's going to need to push you away so she can just try and deal with her own situation. It's hard to keep your head about water with PTSD.
I'm a sufferer, and I'm a woman, so I'm talking from those standpoints. Most of the time I've been dealing with my PTSD, the last thing in the world I want is to talk to someone who doesn't have it but is reading all about it. You'd think that would feel like a good thing, to talk to someone who has immersed themselves - but I don't think it feels like a good thing to everyone. I'd wager about half of us would feel a combination of trapped and angry: trapped because someone has found a box to put us in, and angry because it can feel insulting to have someone think they understand what you are going through when you don't have a clue yourself.
I'd suggest you really take that hiatus you are supposed to be taking. Keep it light when you talk to her. Don't pressure her to reassure you that the relationship is still intact. (I think you are doing that without realizing it). Give her real space.
Small anecdote: I was still in a relationship when I started having a very hard time with things. In my case, the relationship also had its problems. When I asked for a break, he agreed, except he tried to insist on regular email communication, because, as he said, "otherwise how would I know how you were doing?"
He was missing the point. The point was, I didn't want to have to report to anyone about how I was doing. I just wanted to deal with doing something about how I was doing, if that makes sense.
I hope you can find something useful in what I've written. I'd honestly love to know what your thoughts are.
I think you have somehow slipped into panic mode about your girlfriend's diagnosis. I think that because of how much internal pressure I can read in your posts, the kinds of answers you are looking for. I can tell you care about this girl very, very much.
People are basically animals - all of us. And we read an enormous amount of non-verbal communication. I suspect that your girlfriend can feel your panic and desperation, and if there's one thing a drowning person doesn't want, it's someone else flailing right next to them.
Whatever stage her therapy is at, or where she is in her diagnosis - whatever it is - she's going through a tough time. And of course, you want to be there for her. I think in making sure she knows that you are there for her, you are unintentionally clutching on, and (to follow the swimming metaphor), she's going to need to push you away so she can just try and deal with her own situation. It's hard to keep your head about water with PTSD.
I'm a sufferer, and I'm a woman, so I'm talking from those standpoints. Most of the time I've been dealing with my PTSD, the last thing in the world I want is to talk to someone who doesn't have it but is reading all about it. You'd think that would feel like a good thing, to talk to someone who has immersed themselves - but I don't think it feels like a good thing to everyone. I'd wager about half of us would feel a combination of trapped and angry: trapped because someone has found a box to put us in, and angry because it can feel insulting to have someone think they understand what you are going through when you don't have a clue yourself.
I'd suggest you really take that hiatus you are supposed to be taking. Keep it light when you talk to her. Don't pressure her to reassure you that the relationship is still intact. (I think you are doing that without realizing it). Give her real space.
Small anecdote: I was still in a relationship when I started having a very hard time with things. In my case, the relationship also had its problems. When I asked for a break, he agreed, except he tried to insist on regular email communication, because, as he said, "otherwise how would I know how you were doing?"
He was missing the point. The point was, I didn't want to have to report to anyone about how I was doing. I just wanted to deal with doing something about how I was doing, if that makes sense.
I hope you can find something useful in what I've written. I'd honestly love to know what your thoughts are.
I totally agree with @joeylittle - you have done what you have to try and help your girlfriend,it's coming from a good place but for me my own battle with this is intensely private - I only speak about in any way shape or form to my T, if anyone asks me how therapy is going - or even more annoying if I am feeling better now - instantly barriers are up and I want to get away. So I guess she may not be in the right place for a relationship but don't think that's because of you, she may need to shut everyone out to cope.
No offense but...
She has told you that she doesn't want to be in a relationship right now and the two of you are supposed to be on haitus. So respect her wishes. Stop referring to her as you girlfriend and start treating her like a friend. Have conversations that don't involve being in a relationship, or her PTSD, or any of that. Have conversations like you would with a friend. When she feels comfortable talking then she will but don't pressure her.
The best thing you can do for the two of you is create a strong bond based solely on friendship. Create a safe space for the two of you to be together without being in a relationship. Eventually she might feel more comfortable with you and the situation for it to become more again but you can't force that and trying will push her away.
Plus if you are going to try and make this work than having a solid friendship to rely on during future tough times is a must (your research probably showed that things can get better and worse and better and worse but never cured).
Remember its not about you so don't take it personally. Its just about her trying to take care of her. These things can't be fixed I'm short terms, it takes lots of time and patience.
Sorry I can't be more helpful.
She has told you that she doesn't want to be in a relationship right now and the two of you are supposed to be on haitus. So respect her wishes. Stop referring to her as you girlfriend and start treating her like a friend. Have conversations that don't involve being in a relationship, or her PTSD, or any of that. Have conversations like you would with a friend. When she feels comfortable talking then she will but don't pressure her.
The best thing you can do for the two of you is create a strong bond based solely on friendship. Create a safe space for the two of you to be together without being in a relationship. Eventually she might feel more comfortable with you and the situation for it to become more again but you can't force that and trying will push her away.
Plus if you are going to try and make this work than having a solid friendship to rely on during future tough times is a must (your research probably showed that things can get better and worse and better and worse but never cured).
Remember its not about you so don't take it personally. Its just about her trying to take care of her. These things can't be fixed I'm short terms, it takes lots of time and patience.
Sorry I can't be more helpful.
When my friend told me he had PTSD, I suspect he knew I'd read about it, because I has previously sent him articles about other things he told me that I read about.
I didn't understand when he started withdrawing so I basically broke it off with him. I told him he knew how to find me when he was ready. He got very upset at this and somehow I ended up apologizing. A few days later he told me he suffers from PTSD.
As I said, I believe he knew I'd read about, however I never told him. I asked a few questions and then pretty much left it alone. We haven't discussed it all since. I just completely backed off and let him decide when and how much he wanted to text. It was very casual.
Recently he invited me to visit, our plans have been set and confirmed, he's long distance. He's sends me a countdown everyday, he's very excited for me to visit, but he's still a bit more distant in his texts than he was initially. I'm looking forward to seeing him and I think we'll have a nice time but I'm going in with my eyes open. My feeling is that it could work because of the distance. I suspect he has a hard time with relationships and me being far away allows him to connect with someone. We dated 30 years ago, on and off for a few years reconnected about 7 years ago. It took this long to get this far.
I guess what I'm saying is it seems that you just have to let go. Give her space and find things that are positive and constructive to do with your life. I know how you feel, I felt exactly the same way when he withdrew, but I came on here and vented all me feelings, but didn't show him any of that. As for her being upset, I'm not sure what that's about. When he told me I asked a few questions but backed off, didn't tell him. I mostly just tried to let him know I was here.
I didn't understand when he started withdrawing so I basically broke it off with him. I told him he knew how to find me when he was ready. He got very upset at this and somehow I ended up apologizing. A few days later he told me he suffers from PTSD.
As I said, I believe he knew I'd read about, however I never told him. I asked a few questions and then pretty much left it alone. We haven't discussed it all since. I just completely backed off and let him decide when and how much he wanted to text. It was very casual.
Recently he invited me to visit, our plans have been set and confirmed, he's long distance. He's sends me a countdown everyday, he's very excited for me to visit, but he's still a bit more distant in his texts than he was initially. I'm looking forward to seeing him and I think we'll have a nice time but I'm going in with my eyes open. My feeling is that it could work because of the distance. I suspect he has a hard time with relationships and me being far away allows him to connect with someone. We dated 30 years ago, on and off for a few years reconnected about 7 years ago. It took this long to get this far.
I guess what I'm saying is it seems that you just have to let go. Give her space and find things that are positive and constructive to do with your life. I know how you feel, I felt exactly the same way when he withdrew, but I came on here and vented all me feelings, but didn't show him any of that. As for her being upset, I'm not sure what that's about. When he told me I asked a few questions but backed off, didn't tell him. I mostly just tried to let him know I was here.
It came out to my bf. I shared with him the feelings of screaming in my head. He said it might be PTSD. He knows a lot about it, but that's because he's really good at taking in information, keeping it in there, and using it when it's practical. One of the reasons I like him.
I think it's a pretty tough being on either side. You were honest with her, and that's probably something she's not used to yet. It took me years to start to gain trust in humanity. Being hurt and confused is normal. It's like looking into someone else's life, like a much more in-depth diary, but in the way that you only know the stories of others. It's a very personal thing, PTSD.
My suggestion would be to let her talk about it if she feels ready. I know it sucks, but sometimes it's what's needed. The sites you'd see won't have a treatment plan, just signs of what to watch out for, symptoms, possible causes. Those are so varied and have many different ways of "happening". My partner doesn't know the half of what got me with this eight-syllabled acronym. I keep most to myself, and share when I need to, when I feel ready to. He doesn't ask me any questions. I don't tell him what I don't want to.
It just works, oddly. Though a lot of the time I just feel like I'm joking myself and that he doesn't really love me. But that's the OLD ME. The part that got screwed up and thew up what is now me. It's tough putting back the pieces together 'cause it's so easy for it to go back to what feels like "square one" when in reality it isn't.
You're on this site. You've vested interest, but rushing into things isn't going to help. Maybe someone who is also a "supporter" who is on this site who has gone through similar can help.
Anyone know of anyone who can help? Networking is good. Especially for people who are sharing similar situations as yourself.
In any case, I hope things figure themselves out. You seem like a good guy, Josh. I hope navigating all this gets easier for the both of you.
LD
I think it's a pretty tough being on either side. You were honest with her, and that's probably something she's not used to yet. It took me years to start to gain trust in humanity. Being hurt and confused is normal. It's like looking into someone else's life, like a much more in-depth diary, but in the way that you only know the stories of others. It's a very personal thing, PTSD.
My suggestion would be to let her talk about it if she feels ready. I know it sucks, but sometimes it's what's needed. The sites you'd see won't have a treatment plan, just signs of what to watch out for, symptoms, possible causes. Those are so varied and have many different ways of "happening". My partner doesn't know the half of what got me with this eight-syllabled acronym. I keep most to myself, and share when I need to, when I feel ready to. He doesn't ask me any questions. I don't tell him what I don't want to.
It just works, oddly. Though a lot of the time I just feel like I'm joking myself and that he doesn't really love me. But that's the OLD ME. The part that got screwed up and thew up what is now me. It's tough putting back the pieces together 'cause it's so easy for it to go back to what feels like "square one" when in reality it isn't.
You're on this site. You've vested interest, but rushing into things isn't going to help. Maybe someone who is also a "supporter" who is on this site who has gone through similar can help.
Anyone know of anyone who can help? Networking is good. Especially for people who are sharing similar situations as yourself.
In any case, I hope things figure themselves out. You seem like a good guy, Josh. I hope navigating all this gets easier for the both of you.
LD
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