Supporter My Head Says "go" But My Heart Says "stay"

[xiuzhen]

I have to admit that I have been reading threads for weeks now. I felt that if I joined I was being disloyal or in some way betraying my sufferer who is a very private man. However I realise that I need to be a part of this forum for ME because I am desperate for support. I feel like I have been keeping my partner's PTSD a secret and that is a burden I can no longer carry on my own. I have been making excuses and covering things over with my family and friends and I feel like I am being dishonest.

This forum has already taught me alot and it is making me realise that I am already experiencing many of the things that supporters are sharing. My partner and I have known each other for almost a year. Although he has not had a formal diagnosis he has started therapy with a therapist that specialises in PTSD. As I write he is in a hospital recuperating from some sort of breakdown, on medication that is making him like a zombie. Because I'm not yet recognised as his partner and cannot speak to his doctors, I have no understanding of what is happening since he is in a hospital out of town and I am receiving very little communication from him.

We love each other and want our future together. My current internal battle is being waged between my heart and my head. My head says "leave him" while my heart says "stay". I know I'm not unique in knowing that relationships are complicated. Between his work commitments and his need to be alone I rarely see him. Everything seems to be on his terms and because I am so co-dependent I'm just trying to fit my life around his. That's just me though and can't be blamed on making space in our relationship for PTSD :p I am also a bit of a control freak so lack of information unsettles me easily too :oops:

That's probably enough of an introduction. I'm really looking forward to being part of this forum. I'm feeling excited that I might be able to draw alongside new friends that are a bit further along on the journey that I seem to be starting. Journeys like this are always better if they are shared :)

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum. Plenty of information and support here, you are not alone.

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to the PTSD Forum! :)

 

[Snowangel1225]

The first thing you need to do is take care of yourself and make sure you are healthy...both mentally and physically. I highly recommend reading "Co-Dependent No More" by Melody Beattie. This book changed my life and I still go back and re-read it from time to time when I feel myself slipping back into my co-dependent ways. The answers you are looking for might come easier to you when you change your way of thinking.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Welcome! This forum is a sanity-saver for supporters. :)

 

[dms]

Good Morning Xluhen! I understand you because i am you. I still love my sufferer but, after almost losing my own sanity I'm FINALLY choosing me first. Therapy, spending time alone with GOD and learning to really love myself has helped me move forward.

 

[xiuzhen]

Thanks for all the warm welcomes! dms-i was struck by what you said. My own depression has come back. Though there are many reasons why i would be lying to say the state of my relationship has not been a major factor.

In some ways i know my sufferer really well but in other ways he's still unknown. Whether by temperament, life experience or military background he doesn't let me in much. Sometimes he can't be with me but often when he can be he isn't and that confuses and hurts me. I still don't know how much is him and how much is his PTSD.

I'm making conscious efforts to prioritise my own health and wellbeing. I'm trying not to spend my life on hold waiting for him to communicate with me or be with me. I often ask myself "should it be this hard?". Though we love each other i have to confess there are times when I've never felt so much loneliness, disappointment, frustration or confusion.

The flip side is that when things are going well i have never felt more loved, accepted, cherished and excited about my future with him.

But swinging between these two extremes is starting to suck the joy out of me. And it's also so exhausting.

 

[dms]

But swinging between these two extremes is starting to suck the joy out of me. And it's also so exhausting.

Xluzhen, I know you feel alone but you are not!! Look to God or whoever you believe in. Have a good cry than pick yourself up and move forward with baby steps. I just joined the Mental health Assoc. in my area and they have Wellness, Art, Group Therapies (at varies times) for free etc etc and all the employee are also sufferer of different mental illness too so, they act as peers. Also, we are ALL here for you! Remember I am/was you so I understand! it gets easier but you must work through your own pain. I have abandonment issues and PTSD as well so, I realize that my sufferer is not my biggest problem. I am my biggest problem. I am also in the processes of filing an Appeal on my denied claim for SSDI. My funds are low and that adds to my stress. On the bright side, I attend therapy 2x a month and get my meds for free through a program in my County. i love my family and they love me. You must find meaning in your life. And think about this, If you was your sufferer fighting for your sanity would you want a needy, co-dependent, whinny, control freak in your corner? I know he hurt you. I was hurt too because I was there for him and he abandoned me more than once. You have to take a good honest look at yourself in order to begin healing. One time my suffer wouldn't answer my texts/calls for months and I got so angry that I texted his phone 3x's a day until he responded angrier. That's when i knew i had hit ROCK BOTTOM and let GO! Thank God, I realize that this is my issue, not his. BE BLESSED!

 

[dms]

"Love you first.
Regardless what you may know, believe or have experienced in the name of love, loving you is an essential ingredient for experiencing and expressing love to others. Loving you means holding yourself with unconditional positive regard. It means giving yourself the time and space to make poor choices and bad decisions, knowing that you are learning and growing through it all. Loving you means consciously and consistently engaging in behaviors and activities that are self-supportive, self-affirming and self-honoring. It also means when you forget or resist opportunities to honor you, instead of beating yourself up, you look for and embrace the lessons you learn. When you love on you, when you trust you, when you honor you, you set the standard for how others will love you."

 

[xiuzhen]

I've spent a lot of this week trying to put myself first. I've gotten back to the gym and been riding my bike now the weather is improving. dms I do believe in God like you and there have been many prayers-believe me :)

As I've been reading through lots of things that have been posted a common thread seems to be that supporters end up feeling like somewhere along the way they start to loose themselves. I guess I'm concerned because I feel like thats starting to happen to me. In just about every other area of my life I'm a strong, independent confident woman. I'm articulate, good at goal setting and problem solving and feel emotionally intelligent. Why is it then that when it comes to my relationship with my sufferer I feel like all that flies out the window?

The uncertainty of his situation, the absences, his need for space etc are turning me into someone whose life always seems on hold. I feel like I'm always putting his needs before mine because it is the loving thing to do. I make alot of excuses because of his illness. I'm frequently sad, depressed and lonely. Things that should just be simple and normal are not when it comes to our relationship.

I often ask myself "but what about me?". There's always some good reason why he can't be with me, or can't contact me and I try to accept that things are out on his control. I hardly dare tell my family and friends how little I see him because they would just tell me to find someone else. I know its the advice i would give a friend in the same predicament! But whenever it comes to the crunch i can't. I love him and he loves me and we have a future planned.

I recently read somewhere that one of the hardest decisions we will ever have to make is knowing when to give up or try harder. That's where I feel I'm at.