My Husband Feels Like A Doormat He Told Me He Feels Like He's My Sugar Daddy Because I Don't Want To

[Long lost angel]

So, my husband told me that he feels like a sugar daddy sometimes because I never want to have sex.
I do want to have sex but I can't.
He doesn't understand how we used to have sex 10 times a day and now we can go months and and I don't even want him to touch me.
But every time he walks up to me and touches me I'm already inside my head reliving things, so it just feels nasty. I feel like I have to use this Invisible Magic Eraser to wipe it off of me and he sees this cuz I can't even hold myself from doing it.
I tell him to rub my back or my feet and really do a good job because I'll be relaxed. Then he complains that it's such a chore that every time he wants to be with me he has to put in all this work and sometimes that doesn't even work.
But I think that I need to be made to feel comfortable so maybe I can get my mind off of these things that plague my mind constantly.
I don't know what to do. How can I overcome these horrible feelings of being violated so that I can let my husband love me and I can love him back the way he deserves and wants to be?
We've been together for 15 years and I still can't explain to him that even when we were doing it 10 times a day it was mostly because I didn't know how to tell him no even when I didn't want to. Most of the time I just rushed him because I could tell that's where he was going and I would initiate it as fast as I could so that it would be finished and done with as fast as I could and then I wouldn't have to think about it anymore.
But that just made him want to do it more and more, so each time I just went through with it because I know it was expected and I love him and I don't want him to feel bad or leave me or cheat. But back then I didn't think about these things nearly as often and now I have 4 children. Daughters.
It's hard for me to clear my mind. I'm always thinking about these things or I'm busy doing things due to my responsibilities as a mother that prevent me from feeling in a healthy sexual way.
I feel dirty in my head all the time, and then he walks over and touches my breast and I feel like I AM dirty. I AM dirty
I AM disgusting and gross.
I'm all used up little girl who pretended for so long and now I don't know how to be normal.
I've been to therapy a lot and it felt like it would help me but every time I went they just tried to offer me medications which I'm not willing to try.
I haven't eaten in weeks because I don't deserve to feel good or healthy.
At least not until I figure something out. But now I'm not even hungry anymore. All I can to do is choke on this lump and occasionally cry.
My family doesn't like to see me cry so I make sure not to when they're around. So I stay up all night to do it. When I get up in the morning and get my four kids up and ready for school I'm pretending my day away. I cry in the car.
I make the kids their dinner plates and I take a bite off of each of their plates so they see me chewing.
My stomach is always upset if I put anything in there I get sick.

All I do is take care of my children drink water and pray.

Sometimes I will smoke weed, then I can snack in the middle of the night just because I'm afraid to die in my sleep.



Please God take away this deathly feeling, away from me please help me.

I did put a lot of my story in the introduction, I'm too afraid to post it in case everybody hears it. It's in my profile too. I want everyone to know everything. But I'm still afraid to tell. I hope somebody does put in the effort to try to read it.

I'm tired of being alone inside here. Thank you to anybody who takes time to be interested.
I appreciate any guidance or advice.
I'm already losing. So literally anything could help. Certainly couldn't make it worse

 

[Stickler]

Is your husband aware of what happened to you?

...You do not have to be put on meds.
They may really want you on them, but they can't make you take them.

You are a very brave and strong person, to have survived all that.

 

[The Albatross]

I was gonna ask you about your statement, "All I do is take care of my children drink water and pray." and
"I make the kids their dinner plates and I take a bite off of each of their plates so they see me chewing.
My stomach is always upset if I put anything in there I get sick."
You're getting up and eating to eat in the middle of the night because you don't want to die and want to be there for your children. So you have an eating disorder or are self harming too? By this and your intro post I think it's pretty clear that you're at a crisis point.

Very sorry for your circumstances but would advise you to seek any available therapeutic treatment pronto. Sounds like this has gone on for a long while if your children need to see you chewing.

 

[EveHarrington]

I know all too well------

I recently made a post and in that post I discussed how I've never said "no"-----(in the context of sexual activity).

Does your husband know about your trauma and PTSD?

While sex is oftentimes a part of a healthy relationship it's not your obligation to please him sexually. I fear that his unwanted sexual contact is serving to further compound the trauma you've already endured as you still don't have an effective voice in all of this.

Not showing emotions around your children teaches them that emotions are bad and should be hidden. All emotions are valid and should be expressed. (What is the point of family if you can't express emotions and seek out emotional support?-------I fear-------I fear that you've learned that your role in the family is to sexually please your husband, be a good mother, while simultaneously neglecting your own needs.) Yes, emotions can and do make other people uncomfortable-----but that doesn't mean we need to hide them away.

If you had cancer would it be seen as acceptable for him to guilt you into sex while you were recovering? No--- I put things in this context as PTSD is a serious disorder and you deserve recovery time. Sex should be engaged in freely, when you desire it, and when you're healthy enough for it.

I also find it interesting that your husband is calling this a sugar baby/sugar daddy situation now. Usually a sugar daddy showers his sugar baby with gifts and money and in return the sugar baby gives him sexual pleasure. I'm not sure if your husband is unaware of what a sugar daddy/baby arrangement is truly like or if this is a willful manipulation tactic on his part. It's incredibly demeaning to be called a sugar baby in the context of a loving partnered relationship as it's essentially degrading the woman to paid sex status. Really------completely unacceptable IMHO given your situation and the fact that it's not an inside joke or friendly banter.

 

[ghotiff]

I was there once in a similar dark place you are now. It was a therapist that pulled me out (but it was also a therapist who put me in that place).

If you can find the right T they can do wonders, mine (good one) would never push medications, but she did encourage them and they were great for me.

Do you do any self soothing? It took me a long time to learn what was soothing for me and even longer to let myself do it but it makes such a huge difference.

 

[Long lost angel]

Is your husband aware of what happened to you?

...You do not have to be put on meds.
They may reall...

Yes my husband knows a lot about what has happened. But not everything. It's hard for me to tell him. I'm still afraid that he could change his mind about me. I don't want him to sufferer to. But then sometimes I'm so angry, the thinks at him, but I can't clarify.

 

[The Albatross]

By the sound of it, he's letting you know he's suffering Angel.

 

[Long lost angel]

I know all too well------

I recently made a post and in that post I discussed how I've never sai...

Thank you.
I don't think I have an eating disorder though. I cook every night for my family it's only in these times of high stress that I find it difficult to actually commit to eating. I did at one time have a serious inability to eat for fear that I was being poisoned again. But now I've made a commitment to just be the one who prepares all food.
Up until about a month ago I was able to force eat with the family but that was just leaving to me feeling physically ill throwing up and having loose bowels all day. I think the stress or sadness prevents my body from digesting food properly.
I'm desperate to have my appetite back. Food is my passion, but it's flavor and luster are gone when I'm this way and the the physical affects are more than unmanageable.

So that's why I'm here trying to find a little help for some answers that can get me through this so that I can develop a healthy appetite again. I'm not skinny by any means. I'm about 180 and not trying to be. Some people overeat when the have too much stress. I'm the opposite.
I think my husband is trying to guilt my into having sex. We've been together for so long, I've let this happen. By keep certain things private, not exposing myself when I probably should have, I've raised him to think this way because I failed so early on to explain. Instead I just gave whatever was wanted and asked for. He didn't know, and I've always hated conflict or confrontation. So at the time it was always easier to just make him happy than to have to dive into that cesspool with him to give him the tour.
He feels bad about saying it. He assured me he would never leave me. He said he doesn't care if we don't have sex for the next 30 years he loves me and he'll be by my side, we'll work it all out.
I just want to be better, I don't want him to suffer for something I'm going through. I will probably always be going through. He should be able to be happy. Happier than I'm able to. I want to please him. Not feel sorry for him. I don't want to damage him. Or hold him back all of his life.

I know all too well------

I recently made a post and in that post I discussed how I've never sai...

 

[Long lost angel]

I was there once in a similar dark place you are now. It was a therapist that pulled me out (but it was...

I got a response from my therapist today. I have to go talk to his front desk lady.
So I'm trying to get that ball rolling again.
I do not do anything for self-soothing. What do you do I have no idea what I could do but I'm open to suggestions

 

[Long lost angel]

By the sound of it, he's letting you know he's suffering Angel.

I KNOW. That's also what's tormenting me. Affecting him. All of them. My family that is.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

If you find you have a good rapport with this new therapist, then therapy should help, but your husband needs to understand what you're going through. He may be feeling like you find him personally repugnant, and that's a hard thing to have to carry around inside.

In addition to your therapy, would the two of you be able to do some couples counseling? Also, I don't understand why you're uncomfortable with medication. Why suffer this pain if relief is available?

 

[The Albatross]

I understand why medication is off the table, there's a history of drug addiction in her family.

Glad Angel you're trying to get the ball rolling again.

Some of us here are not on meds and there are skill sets, management tools and stress reduction stuff that can be learned instead.