Relationship My Husband Has Ptsd And Is Verbally Abusive. I Feel So Alone.

[Deejeylove]

I am new to this group. I was looking for support and understanding from being the spouse of the person who has PTSD. I feel so alone in this all. My husband was diagnosed 2 almost 3 years ago. He had an accident happen with his eyes and lost 90% of his vision. Needless to say this has been a huge life altering trauma. He was in the process of getting his PHD in molecular biology, was highly successful, very active, and independent. Now all of this has changed. It has been a roller coaster for me and my two young school age boys. I try to talk to family but they just think he is an a**hole and I should leave him at this point or overreact when he does anything because of all he has put me through. He was on meds for over a year but has stopped taking them. We have been going to a trauma therapist for over 2 years but for the last month won't go.

Most of the time he is angry, frustrated, depressed. Nothing I do is right. Everything is a problem and a fight. I am sad, disappointed, and tired. He constantly calls me horrible degrading names and puts me down. We are constantly arguing and bickering in front of my kids. He swears in front of them constantly. I worry about how this affects them. They deserve a healthy stable environment. I still love him very much but how can I continue to live like this? I know he is going through so much and I want to be there for him and support him but he pushes me away. He alienates everyone. He makes it so miserable because he is miserable. He can't deal and I don't know what to do. I have no peace, no joy on so many days. I miss the closeness and laughter we shared. I just wonder if anyone else is going through something similar? How can I help him? How can I continue in this relationship? I want a happy, loving, and kind partner in life and this trauma has stolen my husband. I grieve for the man I married 11 years ago. I appreciate and look forward to any advice, feedback, and support. Thanks for listening.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

@Deejeylove Firstly welcome and a huge friendly supportive :hug:.

I am a sufferer myself and was prone to serious bouts of aggressive behaviour. I can not even begin to comprehend the traumatic pain your Husband is going through. I had a car crash in the late 90's ending in an MRI brain scan as my right eyesight became blurred and I suffered horrendous double vision.

I was so terrified that I was either going blind or that what the Dr's suspected was true, in that they believed I had a mass in the brain pressing on the optic nerve.

I was so relieved that it was in fact just a 'lazy eye' that had gone undiagnosed from birth and was in fact very easily corrected with surgery. In all of this I feared losing my sight the most, as I had three small children all under 5yrs at the time and I was mortified that I may not watch them grow up.

You will, I am sure find loads of great help and advise on the supporters section on the forum. Anthony has also written some great articles here.

I would have benefited so much from a supporter like you when I broke down. Keep strong and I wish you and your Husband every healing in your journey with PTSD together.

Kind regards.

Laurie

 

[TLight]

As a sufferer and perhaps due to the nature of my trauma (childhood violent and extremely negative abuse, sexual also)...I feel like I go out of my way to not treat others abusively. If I'm irritated or stressed, I usually just withdraw and deal with it myself. In fact, I've taken this to the extreme and not realized others were manipulating or abusing me....I guess I just discounted my feelings and keeping the peace was the most important thing.

I've done this in all my relationships.......However, that being said, when a fight does arise, usually because I'm being triggered and not being heard regarding this, then I 'switch' personalities and if I can't flee (which I usually do), I verbally attack at the perceived injustice. But it has to be a big one...at least in my world (I was beaten horribly to do housework, so when I'm with a lazy male....I get triggered when I make a request and I'm not heard or respected.......then I go off.

So I don't understand how other ptsd sufferers can be so verbally abusive to their partners. I know that when life gets really stressful, I usually tell my partner that I'm beginning to 'overflow' and I need life to be simpler and slow down. But I don't think I've ever just snapped from irritation and gone off on someone without being really triggered.

I think that unless a sufferer has DID and is in a different personality, or a sufferer is really highly stressed and picks a fight or the partner does..........then just being an asshole to someone is entirely unacceptable.

From reading your post it seems your husband might be super stressed and at the end of his rope? Is there any way to simplify your lives........that's the only way I can deal with this disorder. NO STRESS, or at least as little as possible.

If that is done and he's still verbally abusive, then that's that.........he's verbally abusive. Having ptsd is not necessarily a prerequisite for being an a hole. I am able to control that type of behavior. But I guess I can only speak for myself.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi and welcome to the forum!

I think your husband likely has other struggles that many of us do not, such as the blindness (I am guessing he is to the point of being legally blind?) Are there any support groups in your area for those who are coping with the loss of eyesight? PTSD alone is a bear to deal with, but then add the blindness on top of that, and I can't imagine what he is dealing with.

 

[Courier]

Deejeylove:

I am very sorry for what you are experiencing. It is obviously very stressful on your family. It seems to me that one thing you could do for starters is try to help him get some rest. Stress is the enemy of sleep and fatigue quickly leads to exhaustion and despair. This sounds very simplistic but it makes sense if you think about what a solid, uninterrupted night of deep sleep can do for someone. It is a great thing that helps reduce tension. The dilemma is how to help your husband achieve a good night sleep when he is so agitated and stressed.

There are in fact, several ways to do this naturally. One way that I have personally experienced seems to be the most effective. It is the use of Essential Oils. There are several oils that can be used to help facilitate very deep sleep. These can be obtained without a prescription. and they are derived from natural sources such as plants and trees. I know that this sounds a bit unconventional, but I have used these oils and have never slept better in my entire life.

The oils are applied topically and take effect in a very short period of time. The end result is very sound sleep. Let me know if you are interested in any more information. If so, simply reply to this post. I do not want to go into any detailed discussion in this forum, unless you are interested.

Courier

 

[nursenurse]

Wow. You are going through so much. I have a feeling that you may be leaving yourself by the wayside in doing everything for him.

We know he is angry and bitter, but who of us would not be given what has happened to him. However, one can only wallow for a certain period of time before something called life gets in the way. He has a supportive spouse and two kids that depend on him. I think he is still in denial, I don't know what caused the loss if site, I.e. Was it preventable, and whether it was or wasn't, is he still blaming himself.

Here's the thing. Kids are entitled to two very present parents who try their best in the midst of adversity. Who still support each other. Sure, we all give and take, because in the worst moments, we need people who can carry us until we start to regain our own steam. And then we make the best of the worst that has happened and then we have to carry on.

If he doesn't want to go to counseling, then you carry on for yourself. Get some counseling for the kids if they are old enough. Do whatever it takes to make sure the kids have a stable parent. Right now he cannot be it, and you may have to carry it on your own. If being stable means you have to leave, hopefully just temporarily, then you do it. The kids and you are the priority, until he decides to seek out and live the help he so desperately needs. You cannot make him, you cannot help him, until he decides for himself that he has to AND wants to.

He is not an a**hole at this point, he is frightened, confused, and in denial. His Plan A for life has been side tracked, and he is unable to think of Plan B. Because he never had one.

PTSD can make character flaws surface, but I challenge anyone to lose their sight when on a path such as your hubby was on, and be happy about it.

That being said, you are not his emotional punching bag, and neither should you confuse pity with empathy. He has the steps to get out of the hole he was pitched into with his accident. Maybe he wasn't ready to accept it when he first started, I don't know. At any rate, you do not deserve names. You do not deserve to feel badly about yourself. Many PTSD sufferers have to hit rock bottom before they wake up. Yours may be one.

I am so very sorry, my heart goes out to you. Bottom line, whether you stay or leave even temporarily, you need to look after yourself. You can't fight for him or the kids feeling how you do.

 

[anthony]

Let me know if you are interested in any more information. If so, simply reply to this post.

Your comments are very close to self promotion / advertising something as a first time poster, and if that is your motive for being here... your time here will be short and your account banned as spam.

 

[rondynash]

We meet different people every day and the one with whom we are impressed would be our friends.

 

[blackswan]

Sending you big, warm supportive thoughts :)

Pushing through the dark times as a supporter when you're worn down to a memory of hoping that things can be better is exhausting and terribly lonely. Hooray for reaching out for support for yourself at this difficult time, it might not feel like it today but it's a huge positive. For myself, even just knowing that I wasn't the only person in the planet living with a distressed and distressing (and angry!) facsimile of the man I love was a relief.

Boyfriend was recently been hurrumphing about wanting to terminate his therapy after a challenging session stripped him of hope, and this was hard and stressful enough. Actually being without those professional supports in our life/lives would be incredibly challenging for me so my heart goes out to you. Recovery does ebb and flow (frustratingly) and it's quite possible that your hubby is in the midst of a big recovery ebb, doing his 10 steps backwards before he can start moving forwards again. Sucks to live with, but does get better. "Just" have to ensure an absence of implosion during the in between.

Please remember that you are not his verbal punching bag. If he is feeling angry there are appropriate ways to express this, but yelling at and belittling family members is not one of them. If he can't catch himself to prevent or cease this then you are very entitled to do this yourself by taking a conversation time out or leaving the room (just let him know when you'll be back). Being firm in your boundaries regarding acceptable behaviour is a way to help both yourself and him, because no one feels good about snapping at the people we care about.

I hope the dark clouds break and that the sunshine starts peaking back through again for you soon :)

 

[Recovery4Me]

Most of the time he is angry, frustrated, depressed. Nothing I do is right. Everything is a problem and a fight. I am sad, disappointed, and tired. He constantly calls me horrible degrading names and puts me down. We are constantly arguing and bickering in front of my kids. He swears in front of them constantly. I worry about how this affects
them.

Deejeylove,
I empathize with your devotion and empathy for your husband. Seriously, I find you incredible for offering him your love and support.

However, he can not learn to become a better man through teaching his children to treat their future spouse abusively nor by making you feel less so that he can equalize in his mind his sad plight of perceived dependence. And you, my dear by hearing your husband's abuse (thus he attempts to make you de-powered) will not make your family stronger.

Suggestions in love:
*consider you do not have to live this way and can change your part of the dance (even while you are staying)

*consider going to the T alone and with your children to reset healthy boundaries

*consider getting a book on verbal abuse to re-pattern the dynamics in your family

*look up the wheel of abuse and review the different areas

*understand you can not stop your husband from being abusive by being good enough or perfect enough

*consider you need to love you more and in healthy ways of self care

Please forgive me for any additional pain my offers may cause you in stress. I do not in anyway, blame you for his choice of abuse but unless my T had assisted me during my abusive marriage, I may not be here today to offer what I share with you today.

Take what you need and leave the rest as just my humble opinion.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

You are not his doormat and he is holding your family hostage and needs a wake up call in my opinion.

An excellent book for yourself is The verbally abuse relationship by Patricia Evans.

I understand that his anger at becoming blind is probably normal but not an excuse to choose to do what he is doing to you and the children.

My heart goes out to you.

He needs you to have limits and boundries right now especially and it is very hard to do that if you have not done that before. I do not know mabe you have.

If I was you I would research on Blind People and see what resources are available in your area and drag him to them. He could get a service dog, and it is a common thing for the newly blind to become angry. But I have a friend who is going blind and he is still the same sweet person he has always been.

I believe your husband has crashed and burned and hit rock bottom. And it sounds like he is full of rage and not getting any help at all. This is not fair to you.

I appreciate that you love him so much, but my concern is for you right now. I sincerely hope that you can do whatever it takes to lay the line down with him.

He is so dependent on you right now and probably very triggered.

I really hope there is some help for you and your family. You have to take care of yourself and you sound besides yourself and so exhausted.

I am wishing you the very best in this situation with your husband and your children and keep us posted on his progress and yours.
Hugs.

 

[Deejeylove]

I appreciate all of your responses...suggestions, advice, tough love. It means the world to not feel alone in all this. I will look into the books suggested and I do go to my own counselor and it helps. I know my situation is unique in that my husband with PTSD is dealing with being blind and the changes in his life that occurred from that . It is a struggle everyday for our family. I do put myself last in it all and I need to take care of myself and my kids and do what's best for them. It's just so hard to know how to be there for everyone and not abandon the man I married. There are some good days too and my hope comes flooding in only to be crushed the next day. How do I do a better job of setting up boundaries? Being a good role model to my boys despite my husbands behavior? How do I not fight , argue back?