Relationship My Husband Has Ptsd And Is Verbally Abusive. I Feel So Alone.

[Recovery4Me]

I know my situation is unique in that my husband with PTSD is dealing with being blind and the changes in his life that occurred from that

Forgive me...but gloves off:
Please, understand...his choice of abuse, destruction to others and his reasons for being so are not unique: neither is defending the abuser. The situation is sad but having pain and continuing to make others suffer because of it is his choice, his choice,his choice,his choice. Say it with me :sick:...

Stop the Domestic Violence by educating yourself (and you will find your answers) and by following the wisdom offered. It is also your choice to break free of the pattern. It is an vicious and enmeshing cycle that depletes love,hope and sanity.

Pro-mental health is NOT the same as abandonment to your husband.
Read, learn like your quality of life and your children's future mental health depend on it. I will take my two cents off this thread as I am sure it seems too blunt. Please read my prior gentle post and forgive my fear for you and your children's quality of life. :bag: Take care-see you on our board.:hug:

 

[Iwantedalifepartner]

I have found my way here through searching for info on being in a relationship with a PTSD boyfriend (currently building strength to exit)... But when I searched on verbal and emotional abuse I kept getting that it caused PTSD but nothing about it being a symptom. I started to wonder if the PTSD was just an excuse. I'm just so worn down from the roller coaster... Thinking we've got closer then he turns into a monster again. The unwarranted abuse, being so dismissive when there were birthday plans and he works away. I just kept focussing on the picture of the life relationship I wanted and he said he wanted but I can not take being abused every one or two weeks.

No culpability or responsibility taken afterwards. No remorse. He puts me down. Makes me cry with the sudden shock of his vitriol then abuses me for crying. I just can't cope any more.

I'm so sad because I honestly love him but after two years. I just don't think he is getting better in the sense that we are closer yet if something triggers him, I don't feel safe at all. (A little bit physically, but mainly mentally and emotionally).

 

[Hashi]

Your husband is clearly dealing with a lot. Having said that, there are other people with PTSD and physical disabilities who are not taking it out on their partner like this. It seems to me that your husband is actually using abusive behaviour as a coping mechanism/outlet for stress, rather than working on other ways to manage symptoms and help recovery. To have stopped meds and therapy is a really bad sign.

I think it's very important that you continue therapy, to get help setting boundaries and keeping to them. You probably need to look for a new therapist, one who's independent of your husband's therapy and issues. A therapist who has experience of relationship abuse and co-dependency would be helpful, I think.

 

[Unkown_1967]

I am new to this group. I was looking for support and understanding from being the spouse of the pers...

I am going through the same enduring, emotional, abusive situation too! He degrades me, beats me down, to where I don't say anything to cause more tension, all I do is cry silently because if he hears me he mocks my sorrow, and whimpers and I just want to end my life. I do not know what happened in Afghanistan but I know there was much infidelity happening between soldiers and others. I was told by the commander that having sex while in war is a stress reliever and not take it personally and they endorse it. I am his punching bag, his stress reliever..

 

[Recovery4Me]

@Unknown_1967 Therapy is provided to service dependents. It is imperative that you go...now. It will not get back to his chain of command what is said but it may save your mind and soul. You will get strong advice to survive.

*sorry for the thread-jack

 

[Lisaj]

Forgive me...but gloves off:
Please, understand...his choice of abuse, destruction to others...

Wow thank you, feeling so low trying to understand why he is being like this to me, but you are right that is his choice.

 

[Recovery4Me]

@Lisaj ...:hug: Welcome to the site!

This forum is fantastic for support and rebuilding of self esteem. Glad you are here.

 

[Stickler]

I have PTSD and other big bad brain cooties...explosive temper is in the mix. Early on in life I decided I didn't feel good about lashing out like that, have been mostly fighting that the rest of my life.

PTSD ( and any other mental condition ) is an explanation, NOT an excuse. If someone is degrading you, hurting you ( physicaly OR mentally ) and they are not willing to own that, work on that, and fix that?
Get out.
Make an escape plan and get out.

...Other folks can feel free to tell me off, but I do not think putting up with abuse is even doing the ABUSER any favors.

Because it allows the abuser a way to avoid facing their own crap, thus not fixing their crap, which would make the abuser a more happy and together person.
...Not that it is your job to fix them.
In fact, it is most emphatically not your job to fix them.

They MUST heal themselves, and it probably WON'T happen when they have someone to lash out at.

My two-cent opinion and my advice.

I should add: my ex-spouse was psychologically abusive...and ten years of it wrecked me in many ways.
...I am especially vulnerable to that due to my awful childhood? But I do not recommend it for anyone, verbal abuse erodes you.

 

[Help :(]

I am new to this group. I was looking for support and understanding from being the spouse of the pers...

I am going through the same thing as well. I am often scared and walk on eggshells. He has tried to get help but they will not technically diagnose him with PTSD. I love him and try so hard to make him happy. Often he is distant and is hardly sexual at all. He plays video games and mostly stays on the couch.I am a young woman and crave a sexual relationship with my Husband. He has been verbally abusive and has even been violent with me. I still want us to work but i'm just like you I dont know what to do.

 

[Sideways]

For me, the kids are the deal-breaker here - they need to NOT be brought up in this kind of environment. You can stay a couple, and stay supportive, without living with him temporarily while he gets himself sorted. He's been through hell, yes. But he's also responsible for his own recovery - you can help & be supportive, but at the end of the day, it's his responsibility. It's his responsibility to take his meds. It's his responsibility to pursue therapy, which he clearly needs at the moment.

And I'd like to ditto what @Stickler said: I have ptsd & DID. But every stupid and destructive thing I've ever done is still my responsibility. My illness might be a reason, it might help to explain what I've done, but it is not a free pass to treat others unacceptably. Abuse is abuse is abuse.

I think probably you're going to need to start protecting yourself and asserting your rights, but even if that's too hard, you've got kids that need to be kept safe from this behaviour. And kids are usually brighter than we give them credit for - they pick up that their home environment has become toxic even when they aren't directly exposed to the abuse.

Asserting yourself doesn't have to cost you your relationship, and it doesn't mean you don't love him. To the contrary, sometimes drawing the line is the best thing we can do to help our loved ones. I'm sorry you're facing this at home - it does get better than this.

 

[Kognim]

My husband is not a soldier. But because of a life lived in a violent country plus childhood up bringing, he was diagnosed with PTSD after a near breakdown. He had 8 months of counceling. Once the doctor gave him that diagnosis, it was if...that explains it all. Now "everything" is blamed on his PTSD. His foul moods, his anger, his distancing. .. Also the verbal put downs towards me. He has always had a problem with that but now I am on eggshells because it doesn't matter what I say. "You are always negative" or "you don't know what you are saying". When that starts I know to be quiet, leave the room or area and not make myself visible for some time. He can get himself spinning into an all out panic attack and either hits himself or throws things. I know he needs meds. But he won't stay on them. I am afraid he is going to go off the edge one day (mentally) and never come back. I try to tell myself that it's not me, don't take it personsl...it's his PTSD... but man that sounds like a cop out. Plus it is so draining mentally. I am a Christian, I pray, read my Bible...but how do I share this with anyone? Need advice.

 

[Stickler]

Always and never statements are usually not true, unless you're talking physics or mathematics. " You don't know what you are saying," is an insult to your intelligence.

8 months of therapy is far from adequate.

My suggestions? Explore your options for leaving. Work on making friends and having a good social life outside the marriage. Get therapy yourself, as emotional abuse wears you down. You cannot make him do anything. Don't try.
What you can do is make yourself as happy as possible considering you are currently stuck in a non-working marriage. You can do that by withdrawing time and energy from it, and spending that on yourself instead. Value yourself.

DO learn "I statements" from your therapist. If ever he does feel inclined to change, telling him what you need and letting him find his own way of meeting your needs is best.