Sexual Assault My husband is making me feel like liar....

[mrsmegan]

I'm feeling crushed right now.

I was abused by boys who were 11-12, I was 5.

We went to dinner at a friend's, My husband was having a conversation about a situation at our friends work, and he mentioned a 6th grader who was known as a sexual predator (or something to that effect). And my husband argued that there is no way that a 6th grader could do that. I killed the conversation at that point.

Later, when I tried to talk to him about it later, he was adamant that it wasn't even possible. Admittedly, I couldn't find the words to remind him how old my abusers were.... As my husband, I never thought I would have to.

I'm just spinning. I feel like a liar. I'm second guessing everything. I feel like I need someone to tell me that this is real...

 

[Muted]

In my opinion, what a jerk...

You don't need him to validate your abuse, even if it feels that way. It sounds like you're in somewhat of a shock.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

The truth is that you were 5. You were abused by an 11-12 year old. It happened, you aren't a liar. Your husband doesn't understand. Just like when my husband told me, "but you have never been in a life threatening situation before!" Ummm, what?!?

 

[mrsmegan]

@Gia1019 and @TexCat thank you for your words. I am definitely in shock and just speechless. I am tempted at this point to stuff this all down until therapy on Tuesday :/

 

[Muted]

It will be helpful to process this through with your t. Hang in there...

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Why in the world does he not think its possible? I assure you that 11 - 12 yr old boys can get erections, can have sex, can force someone, and can assult someone. I don't even know where he gets "its not possible". Of course its possible and it did happen.

I agree that you don't need him to validate what happened. It helps but you don't have to have that. My entire family doesn't believe I was ever victimized in any way. They believe what a prep says. They believe the "I didn't do anything" from a child abuser. What abuser admits to it? They believe the "I raised her in a good christian home." And they do not believe anything at all happened, though I have the most obvious signs and symptoms of a trauma survivor. Even though my therapist believes me and I left the door open for anyone to go in there and learn why. No one did. Not even my own father. Why? Cause its easier to deny anything at all bad happened. So I let them deny and in the mean time I am walking foward and healing.

So, though it helps, you don't need external validation.

I'm sorry thay happened and I'm sorry he doesn't believe you or understands! I get how hard that is! :hug:s

 

[Deleted member 12723]

When I first began therapy and started disclosing my abuse, my husband did not believe me. Many, many years later he told me that he had been raped by a so called friend when he was a boy. Really sad and tragic the reasons why we are not believed by the important people in our life.

 

[mrsmegan]

He's never told me he didn't believe me, I think he just clearly wasn't thinking, which has caused me doubts about if he actually does believe me or if he really heard me when I disclosed what happened...

 

[Hooper]

I was guilty of being thought to have not heard what happened. When my wife first disclosed what she had been date raped she was upset and unsure of how to disclose or how I would handle it. My response was flat. Not out of disinterest but with her being upset, me not comprehending what happened without asking for more information (no go due to her being upset) and my wish for her to not feel that it was an issue I just kind of left it alone. The only information I had was she had come back from visitation with her Dad and her friends were saying her boyfriend had been telling everyone they were having sex this weekend. That's all I knew. I didn't want to put her on the spot of asking why did you get near him if you new he had decided what was going to happen so I just assured her it had no bearing on our relationship. It wasn't until 15 years later that I decided to ask and got the full story. If you read my first thread here you can see what a mistake that was. I'm still in therapy. I should have left it alone but every time I wanted to have sex and she did not I felt rejected but did not want to push the issue because I did not want to be like her rapist who took instead of allowed it to be given. It was one of those nights that I was rejected that I made the mistake of asking what "exactly" happened after she asked me why I was upset. There was good and bad that came out of the discussion. The good was she saw my need and we came up with a compromise to meet them. The bad was I came unglued but I'm slowly getting over it. I can't speak for your husband but hopefully the perspective of another husband in his shoes may help you understand him a little better. Wish you the best.
hooper

 

[Twilight]

No one believes me. I think denial is their safe place. That, of course, makes me feel like a liar, or that i just imagined everything, which is not true. I'm sorry that he is not validating you. It is wrong.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

That, of course, makes me feel like a liar, or that i just imagined everything, which is not true

Yep!

 

[Kintsugi]

my husband argued that there is no way that a 6th grader could do that. I killed the conversation at that point.

Later, when I tried to talk to him about it later, he was adamant that it wasn't even possible. Admittedly, I couldn't find the words to remind him how old my abusers were.... As my husband, I never thought I would have to.

I'm going to respond in a slightly different direction than the above is going. It seems to me that your husband wasn't intentionally invalidating your trauma but didn't think when he chimed in on this conversation. I can see how that would affect you; I had a similar age disparity with my abuser. I would probably feel pretty overlooked and dismissed.

A helpful way to participate in such a discussion might be to point out that the victims of sexually predatory behavior--whether you want to dub the perpetrator a predator or not--probably feels that their abuser is a sexual predator, the same way that a person who is shot dead would be likely to consider their assailant a murderer regardless of the opinions of others.