My Life And All That Jazz

[Deleted member 28403]

Been thinking on my life up till now... Doesn't make sense.

I don't know why I'm wiritng this thread, but I am doing it. Will not put plans as I will forget them by next paragraph.

I've been bouncing around for the last few weeks. Lost sight of everything. Lost in what to do.

Last month I had max 4 days off pills. Just diazephams the whole time. Otherwise no sleep, but side effect been bouncing up, and anxiety is up. Thinking of finding some herbal medicine and seeing if anything works, but still need a lot of work.

Having very little sleep lately... For the past 2 weeks my left eye has been 'flinching' or something, like, every second or two the eyelid just shocks or something, it drives me crazy... Bullying hasn't stopped, feeling like a failure. Can't really find what to do about it, my social skills are 0, and half the stuff is a mild trigger. Repeated exact sentences... Yeesh... :( I'm not sure what to do an lost.

Schedule overflowing, dead tired awake... Nightmares bumping up. Lately started waking up at odd times of night. I have been off caffeine for a bit now.

Also, 3 months without suicide attempt! Quite something... But still, not a day without self harm.

My eating disordered but balancedish on a bigger scale, alternating between starving and overeating... Been working out some more. Not sure about weight, scale been broken for a while.

Finally the open electric cables in room been fixed. Well, fear of dying from electricity in sleep decreased.

Been listening to 'Queen Anne's Revenge' by Flogging Molly... You cannot see the demons, till they come crawling for you. Damn right.

Feeling worthless and like I don't deserve HER, along with depression, quite wrekced I am. I wish I could be better for HER. Fear of abandonement always there.

Well, not sure what to do with this thread.

Any advice, opinions or suggestions on any of the topics are accepted.

Thank you for reading!

 

[Queen Boudica]

Sorry you are feeling so bad.
So when you say max 4 days off pills and just diazepam. Are you trying to manage meds and come off them yourself? Cause that would cause a whole load of problems.

 

[Changing4Best]

I have that waking up at odd times in the night too. I hate that! I wrote a post about here one time and Anthony suggested that reading helps one to get tired again, but not using any electronic device to achieve this. I have tried this on and off with some success. I keep books all around, so that I can just pick one up and continue where I last left off. I can read a book in about a day, or two evenings or so.

As to self harming, many of us self harm I think, though we all chose different routes to do so. I overeat sometimes, as I noticed you do too. I don't often starve myself though, so I am overweight, not awfully so though, as I am within my proper weight range for a person my height and age. I'm at the top of that range though.

Anxiety is a bitch. I'm in the process of going off one medicine for it and tapering onto another. Dr.'s directions are written on the bottle, but I am doing it my way instead. She had me skipping days, whereas I just cut the pills in half and then in quarters. I'm almost off the old medicine now, and already taking the full dose of the new one.

Oh, and if she's sticking by you, that is wonderful. You deserve her, yes you do, even if you don't think that you do. She obviously does care about you very much. Show her you care for her too, because I know you do.

 

[Queen Boudica]

Whose her by the way. Is it the girlfriend you have on here? See if it is I'd be really worried for this girl that she is now being guilted by your message here. But these are your problems so they are nothing to do with HER.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Thinking of finding some herbal medicine and seeing if anything works, but still need a lot of work.

This is a great idea Otakujome. I've had better results with herbal medicine than with the regular ones, but I guess it's personal. But it's totally worth a shot. Also, there are herbs out there that can help you with feeling a little bit lighter. For example I drink St Johnsworth everyday but it would be a good idea to find out if that mixes well with your medicine.

have been off caffeine for a bit now.

, &

Also, 3 months without suicide attempt!

Way to go, man!! You are making an effort, that's great, also great that you have been working out. I'm sorry you feel low despite it. I send you a ton of hugs from over here. :hug:

 

[sun seeker]

No advice @otakujome, but thinking of you. I'd been wondering how you were doing since you hadn't started a thread in a while. I'm sorry it's still so hard for you. Stay in touch, we care about you.

:hug:

 

[Em C.]

Try melatonin for the sleeping?

 

[WildMermaid]

I'm not trying to be mean at all, but now is the time to focus on yourself and healing your destructive patterns. Relationships take a lot of work, and are worth every bit of it, but they are best when you are both ready for them. Also, the all caps "HER" is worrisome to me, is she comfortable with being referred to in this manner. There is a really helpful book I found long ago called, "If the Buddha Dated" Dead Link Removed Some may find occasional mention of various religions an issue, but the book has heart and helps with determining where you personally are at in your life before deciding whether or not one is relationship ready.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

@Glitterkitty
Yes, she is okay with being refeered to like that, I do all caps to make it visible it's exactly her, it makes it easier to read. I don't mean all caps in any other way than recognition of person.

@Em C.

I will look it up, thank you!

@SheilaKathy

Yes, we have been together for a little under 3 months, we are what you'd call a quite attached couple... My life depends on her, due to how much I am attached to her, some might call it ubhealthy, but, it gives me a way to live.

@Lizio

Yes, I refeer to her like that so it's recognizabke when needed.

These are my problems and got nothing to do with her? What kind of a relationship is one in which neither is 'bothered' by their partners problems... Is that even a thing. Not really care or anything in it...

No, I care about her and she cares about me. That is our relationship.

Also, yes, trying to stop with anyway over the counter diazephams which seem to be quite easy to get in this god forsaken place...

@SheilaKathy

Thank you for care and prayers!

I show how much I care for her, a lot... She is the essence of my life, and that is what I'm at.

No her, no life.

(And please don't yell at me about how dependant I am.)

@Radise

Thank you for recommendations, I will look into it! Also thank you for congratulating me *awkward smile

@sun seeker
Unfortunatelly stress bumping, but still going! Thank you for care, friend! Hugs!