My Mom Wants Me To Die.

[pamcoco]

My mom is away on a trip in Asia for 3 months but she returns in a few weeks.

I have battled suicidal ideation since the assaults in 2009. I've had suicidal thoughts my whole life but only a plan since the crimes. I am at the zero to 100 point with suicide, meaning that I either do not feel the desire or I feel it overwhelmingly. There used to be lots of in between but much less these days. I actively work on these thoughts with my shrink, I am medicated and I take endless action to improve my circumstances.

My mom has been sporadically supportive, mixed with CRAZY. Pretty much every time we interact she tells me she doesn't know how I wake up in the morning, how I could possibly go on another day, how I tolerate my life.

Meanwhile, she and her husband have aggressively tried to force me to sign power of attorney documents, put a lien on my house for 80k (money they claim I owe them) and to complete my will/trust with my mother trustee and step father #2.

I hate that they think that I owe them money so I asked for accounting of the 80k debt. Without consulting me they changed my trust, taking money I assigned to care for my pets and money left to my few friends, giving it all to my mom. They became HOSTILE instead of giving accounting details and avoid any inquiry about logistics. They withdrew all help until I sign.

I am ill, besides for my raging ptsd, with severe auto-immune disease, it is difficult for me to function. I can no longer drive, with vertigo to the degree of "drop attacks", leaving me only able to crawl to a bed to sleep for 5-8 hours. With very few people left in my life, the loss of their assistance, I sometimes go weeks without seeing another human.

I am unclear what is going on. But, I am clear something unsavory is occurring under the guise of love. When they left on the most recent trip, they tried to force me through insults to sign the documents. Their argument is that they are left vulnerable without any way to continue retirement because I have ruined their finances by being insatiably needy. They say that they must be covered immediately in the event of my death.

I am the least likely person to die of anyone they know, simply because I am exposed to the least risk, I rarely leave my house. My disease is slowly killing me, but doesn't create risk for kicking the bucket without warning. So the death they imply with this pressure is SUICIDE.

My mom is a therapist. She talks openly about how she will feel when I off myself, but never once has she contacted my shrink to inform him of concerns I will harm myself.

I am actively seeking to remove the denial in my life.

Any thoughts or suggestions about my future interactions with my mom? Any insights?

thanks. happy holidays.

 

[ms spock]

My mother also wanted me to commit suicide so I understand what you are going through.

Can you get community transport? Can you join a few groups for hobbies and interaction? Can you even go to a cafe once a day and have a beverage and interact with the waitress. Can you join a library book reading club or even go and sit in the library to be around people?

Can you get legal advice about what is happening with your money?

What does your shrink say about all this?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

You need to cut her off. She is abusive. Emotionally abusive. Financially abusive.

You OWE her nothing. If she paid for anything, it was because she felt like providing that support for you.

Let me put it this way. Your parents aren't poor and based on what you've said, I seriously doubt they NEED this money of yours. (I'm assuming this trip is a personal trip? People in dire straights don't flit off to Asia for 3 months at a time ....which is why I say this is financial abuse.)

God help your mothers clients. I think we should all pray for them. They are going to need it.

I assume they control the trust. As long as your mother knows she can control you in this way, she will continue to be a source of toxicity. I honestly think you should cut her out of your life. Don't even begin to THINK that you owe her money. My bet is that she'll take the 80K and still not give you your trust fund.

 

[arfie]

Three words: Detach, detach, detach.

Parent-child relationships are extremely complex. Whether dealing with adult sons, a grandchild or octagenarian parents, dynamics of the relationship pulls on my heartstrings and every aspect of my life. Just seeing myself as a separate entity is a serious challenge. In order to find what I need to stabilize myself, I need to stand back a few paces just to regain my sense of self.

As for the money... My husband's parents have just enough money to make me glad that my parents are poor. I have forbidden my FIL from ever offering me money again. I have fantasies of a custom built coffin made out of his precious greenbacks with a headstone: "He took it with him when he went. We insisted." keep your manhood in your pocket, bubba. I ain't impressed.

 

[ms spock]

I would say don't cut off from anyone when you are in a total crisis. Detaching and taking time out are good ways to go.

I have been advised never to make big decisions when I am unwell or in a bad way. It has been helpful advice.

 

[ill]

What I don't understand is how they can change the terms of the trust without your consent. Usually the right to revise terms belongs to the grantor, which I assume is you given that they need you to sign. If you do have the sole right to change the trust, then I'm not sure what they did was legal and it was definitely f*cked up and abusive.

In the meantime, can you alter the trust back while they're away? And does the US have anything like Red Cross Personal Support Workers? You need non-abusive help and your mom and her husband clearly can't be it. As much as I agree with Ms Spock that it's generally a good idea not to make big decisions when under stress, sometimes we need to make a big decision when we're under stress in order to reduce the stress.

 

[Abstract]

I think it is extremely important you find legal help before doing anything drastic. Someone needs to look into what has been happening. I would try to distance yourself as much as possible quietly until you can do this.

Is there legal aid where you are? Some organisations offer practical help of various sorts. Possibly look at victims support or an organisation that supports your auto immune condition.

And investigation needs to be done and coordinated. I would also look at logging the details of them attempting to force you to sign with the police or somewhere else.

The fact that you have been suicidal way before your trauma indicates to me there is a lot of family dysfunction for a long time. What does your therapist say?

 

[Hashi]

From what you've written you don't know for certain that your Mum wants you to kill yourself, or wants you to die at all. My mother (abusive and with mental health issues) at one point became obsessed with having life insurance on my life, so that she would benefit if I died. This involved pressure on me to sign the relevant documents, very urgently, since she suddenly became unable to do anything else until it was in place.

The reason wasn't at all clear at the time, but later I found it that it was due to compelling but irrational anxieties on her part. Even though there was no reason to think I was about to die, she'd convinced herself it was a high risk. She had also started believing that she had lost nearly all her money bringing me up (not true, but there you go) and the only way to ensure her financial future was to somehow recoup it from me even if I died tomorrow. It didn't make sense, but her thinking never has made sense.

My mother also says things that might sound like they have a particular intention but they don't. Especially when she's agitated she misses out large parts of her thinking, so it can sound like her meaning is different from what it actually is.

I know your situation is different from mine, but I just wanted to suggest that it's not necessarily that your mother wants you dead. It's possible, of course, but I wouldn't assume it. It sounds like your mother has serious issues and you're in an extremely difficult situation. You may never know or understand the reasons why she's doing the things she is. She may never really know herself.

I agree with others' suggestions to try to get help from organisations. Maybe while your mother is still away you could look into this? I'm sorry you're so isolated and dealing with so much.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@arfie,
I am cracking up, literally laughing out loud at that headstone! Thanks for the good laugh!

My family isn't rich but we do take care of each other. I guess I'm fortunate in that nobody uses financial matters as a weapon of abuse. Money matters are extremely stressful to me so it would be easy for my family to use it against me if they wanted to hurt me.

 

[arfie]

@Solara
My experience with Daddy Gasbucks has convinced me that money is a HUGE obstacle to family unity. FIL treats family more like purchased props than confidants. He doesn't trust anyone who is not on his payroll. Purchased trust is the only trust he knows. Go Daddy Gasbucks.

Another headstone we have discussed for him is, "He was a great boss."

Not that we will have the option. He already bought his own funeral. Don't know or even care what he bought for himself. His employees have got it covered and we are only invited. So far. We are expecting one of his trusted employees to waltz of with his trust any day now. Our bigger question is whether to let the old fool trust his way into a state nursing home.

 

[LOVE_IS_REAL]

I am very sorry that you have to deal with this. All I have left to say to you is to find her love through her thick mind. I really feel you, but do not do ANYTHING that might tick her off. If this is still happening, then call the police or get help.