My Mother

[Let It Be]

I remember a comment from a former co-worker. She thought I was in the "witness protection program" because I didn't talk about my "family" and now I can...thank you so much....

It's like when I had to have major surgery some years ago. Since I live alone, everyone thought that my mother would come here to be with me. I knew different as she has never come here to visit. How could I tell them that she wished I had never been born. So, when she turned me down because she was having remodeling going on, I had to tell everyone that was more important to me. I wasn't...

I am also dealing with the fact that my mother had a favorite in my sister. My sister is married with the big house, career, kids in college, etc. so when my mother would call, I would hear about my sister, etc.

Of course, now with my mother's age, my sister is responsible for it as she finally admits she knows she was the favorite. Last year when I made the bold move to stop having contact with my mother, my sister started calling me after she had seen her. I couldn't believe it after all these years. My sister usually has to vent about my brother too as he and I connected.

As I write this, I am seeing a pattern that I have, I didn't put myself first...Hopefully, the cloud is lifting....No, I don't believe my mother would admit to anything at her age. My sister had to tell my mother that she kicked all of us out of the house...I asked her once and she wouldn't tell me...I would like to see more changes in my life as I let her go and I have made a start...

 

[TLight]

My parents never would acknowledge the abuse, no matter how many times I attempted to have a calm conversation about it. They were both extremely abusive to me and I only got more abused when I tried to just process it and ask meekly, 'why?'

I ended up cutting them and my entire 'family' (if you could call it that) out of my life after several agonizing attempts to establish some form of relationship with any of them. Every time I got verbally beat up......to this day, 'for what' I do not know.........except perhaps that they were taking their pain out on me.

So, I was present for my Dad's illness and death and it was a nightmare........wish I hadn't been there. He was even more abusive.

Years later, my mother started detiorating. I did have contact with her during the thros of alzheimers........when she was actually tolerable and a fairly nice woman. So that was kinda nice.

However, even when she died, I didn't attend........I didn't even really acknowledge it as a death of a parent. I sort of went, "I never really had a mother.......so her death didn't really have an impact on me. I knew this cute old lady that was all valiumed up in a home that I went to visit and I took her out for coffee now and then.........but she wasn't the 'mother' that I knew.........I never had a mother."

I can't just by the crap "She did the best that she could." Well, she didn't do that. A person could have done so much better, no matter what the circumstances. You just don't take out your frustrations on your children...........she abused horribly.

So, long story short I guess. You can come to some sort of peace with regards to your abusers eventually..........you can forgive or not forgive.....entirely your choice........and you can only come to that decision when you are ready. I tried 'forgiving' so many times hoping that it would lessen my pain............never worked.

If you are not emotionally ready to acknowledge their illness and death.......then I say protect yourself and don't go there..........it will only serve to stress you more.

 

[Marlene]

To ask your abuser why, is to open the door for more abuse......

I've never heard that before, but I'll never forget it.

Lisa

 

[purplejaz]

Growing up with a very catholic mother and control freak who accused me of being a liar from a very young age, her hypocrisy makes me laugh. She has just turned 75 I think, only lives nearby, but as she disrespects me as a person let alone as a daughter, I long ago gave up any idea of settling the problem.
I won't be attending either of my parents funerals as they have shown me how selfish they are in life and I will not mourn their passing. We only have one life and we choose to be parents. Parenting is forever, not when they feel like it or it suits them.
I forgive myself by saying this..."if they were just people I met and they treated me this way would I have anything to do with them? Answer...no! Just because they are my parents doesn't give them any right to treat me the way they do. Respect is earned, not a right."

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I know you didn't post about doing a confrontation, but I feel the need to comment since it was suggested...

I suffered through childhood abuse...I did a confrontation, fully prepared to shut my abusive parents out of my life. To my surprise, I actually got an apology from my father. I got a bunch of lame excuses from my mother. I did get a "why"...but it wasn't to my satisfaction. I don't think there is a "why" that exists that will ever give an abused person any sort of satisfaction. The bottom line is "there is no excuse for abuse" and thus, to try to give reason as to why our lives have been shattered is demoralizing.

 

[debbie3]

I am 48 and still dealing with my mother's abuse, although I don't allow it in my life anymore. I think you are the only one that can make the decision about a funeral. The circumstances surrounding the whole thing I don't know enough about. And most importantly, how would you feel going versus not going. It's a real tough one and as we get older, I am noticing, we look at things in such a different way. Let's talks sometime and good luck.
Take good care,
Debbie

 

[Surviving]

Maybe going to the funeral will give you closure. You can put a note in the casket or grave that no one else will ever read. You can spill your heart out and tell her everything you always wanted to tell her. Tell her you're angry, tell her she hurt you, tell her she was not worthy of a daughter as wonderful as you. Let it be buried with her. Then maybe your brother and sister may see you there, you don't need to let them know why you came, and possibly a new relationship could grow with one or both of your siblings. I guess that would be the best outcome.

If the time comes one day when you've already "buried" her in your mind, then maybe the funeral would only be a waste because you've let go and you don't need to let go of her again. My only thought is that maybe you could build a relationship with one of your siblings. If that is a possibility, then I would go to the funeral just for that chance. It would be like supporting a friend at a funeral for someone they lost that you hardly knew.

Best wishes L.I.B.

 

[Let It Be]

I noticed that I have received a Warning for every thread I have started here.

Since the warnings, don’t expire for a month, I have decided to take a break so to speak from this forum. The warnings were something I didn’t expect.

I do want to say that I appreciate all the words that I received in response to my thread, My Mother, very helpful but the warnings did set me back.

Feel free to delete this as I didn’t know how to send you a PM.

 

[blackemerald1]

Blackemerald1 - My Mother

I am sorry for your situation. I have not spoken to my abusive parents for 2 years and saw them at a funeral in the last 7 years. I believe the likelihood of resolving anything and particularly emotional issues, with your mother has, unfortunately passed and, is possibly destined to fail. You must consider how you will feel, should this be the outcome if you try.

I was a tiny unexpected twin girl, born shortly after a big robust boy in a string of robust boy siblings which my mother and father were delighted to parent. My mother and father made it clear from my first memories that girls were useless, trouble etc., I know what it feels to be unwanted by parents. But a long time ago, I gave up seeking approval and apologising for being a girl. That took a tremendous load off my shoulders and, I will allow a higher power to deal with my abusive parents and in doing so, that has also set me free.

Don’t get me wrong, I would love to have a loving relationship with my parents but it is not to be and I have accepted this however sad it is.

You say you have not contacted your mother for a year now, but I wonder if a year not communicating has lessened your PTSD and sorrow? One thing you could do, would be to write to her and tell her your feelings. If you wanted to you could ask her to write if she wants to, but I’d be likely to give her a time period like 2 months, so you don’t find yourself waiting for the mailbox everyday for a year. What you say in that letter is up to you, thus you control the conversation and the subject that most motivates you. As has been suggested in other comments, you might just keep it and burn it or drop it on her cask when she is buried (if you go)...a bit bizarre but if it helps you then consider it.

Might I suggest that in making your decision in regard to attending your mother’s funeral that there are many, many emotions which may rise at such an event…including bad feelings and memories. We all know that complete oxygen thieves get turned into Saints when their funerals come around. So you need to be realistic that no one is going to say bad things about her, maybe that will dictate your decision to go to the grave side ceremony only.

The visual image alone may bury much of the abusive events she perpetrated against you. I don’t know but it’s an idea. I am only suggesting these things as ideas for you, not for her.

However, you may consider this; You don’t have to do the whole hog…maybe just the service, maybe the graveside ceremony, it is all your choice, maybe nothing. But seeing her pass into the earth, may bring you some relief and closure and help you pass on from this place you find yourself in.

Maybe you need to ask yourself will it do me more harm?. Keep seeing your therapist and as already commented, stay strong. Do not jump when the phone rings, you don't know when the call will come. But do yourself some good and make a plan. One last comment, it was never your fault, you were a child, to be treasured and loved. Nothing justify's abuse.

Regards
Blackemerald1

 

[Blues in NYC]

To ask your abuser why, is to open the door for more abuse......

Thanks for this She Cat. Needed to read it today. Provides some clarity.

 

[Let It Be]

What if I changed the title of this thread to: I Never Had a Mother

Well, today that is what I am saying to myself which yesterday I couldn’t so who knows where I will be tomorrow.

I am also saying: If I had had a mother, then I …..and on and on…which is helping me now to realize that I never had a mother.

As of right now, I can see that since I never had a mother, there would be no reason to go to her funeral. Now that I have said that, guess what, feelings are coming up which I will need to grieve over.

Now, I am also getting very scared and fearful of my sister. She has a terrific bark to her and standing up for myself to her…more work to do. My sister believes that I should be helping her as my name is on the Durable Power of Attorney. I don’t think she heard me when I told her that I didn’t want my name on it. My sister likes to have things go her way…and the times I have been with her way back when, I still remember...

 

[KateG]

I can only give advice based on my own experience. I'm 57.

My advice to you is to do whatever you feel like doing. Contact your mother if you feel like doing so, don't contact her if you don't feel like it.

Do what your mother did not do - honour your feelings.

When my mother was dying in 1999, I cried - not for her, but for me and for the relationship I wanted to have with her which I had known for years I would never have because of her problems. We had been estranged for about 7 years before her death because I didn't want to be verbally and emotionally abused any more. I had left home at 16 so she couldn't continue to physically abuse me.

The day she died, I went and sat with her body. I stroked her face which had sometimes smiled at me, I stroked her hands which had bathed and dressed and fed me, and I remembered all the good things that a person can get from their mother and from being looked after by her, and all the things that a mother represents.

This only lasted a couple of minutes, because there wasn't much good stuff to remember.

I can say, though, that it was the first time I remember touching her without being pushed away.

As I got up and walked towards her bedroom door to go and talk with the family and the undertakers, I was overcome with such a huge sense of utter relief, that my legs almost buckled under me.

I was a pallbearer at her funeral and I told my daughter that I did so because "she escorted me into this world and I want to escort her out of it". But the real reason was to instill into my mind that she was really, really gone and I wanted to make sure she was put into the earth. And I wanted to finally bury her, so I did.

A few weeks later, I had the most wonderful sense of freedom. Utter, utter freedom.

I have been back a couple of times to her grave to check that she really is dead, and I can go back to check and check again, whenever I want or need to.

That was my relationship with my mother, and I reckon you can deal with your relationship with your mother just as positively, in a way that honours you - whatever that may be.

KateG