My Mother

[Elly Greenwood]

I agree with midi. Funerals are for the living. If you need to go, then go. But whatever your religion, your mother's already gone by then. She won't be countin heads at the door so don't go just to please a woman whose already been cosmically rearranged. That's the advice I've got.

 

[nancy blue]

I am wondering if you went to the funeral, if any regrets, if did or didn't. Thank you....

 

[ClairBear226]

Let it Be... I'm a hospice nurse, so I see family dynamics issues on a regular basis. And I have about the same opinion of my parents (both living) as you do of your mother, except that there really has not been any doubt in my mind since 2001 how I feel about two of the most morally bereft people to ever walk the planet. They are toxic human beings that have no place in ANY healthy life.

So here's what I've decided to do. Maybe it'll help. I've agreed to answer questions for my brother when the time comes that he needs to make decisions about their care (only because this is my area of expertise), but ultimately, all decisions are his to make. I'm not going to question him or second guess him. I will not agree to be a DPOA for either of them. I will provide no physical care of any kind, and will be there if and when I decide. There is a distinct possibility that I will not attend the funeral for either of them. It will depend on what I need at the time.

There is such a thing as a private visitation. If, when the time comes, you find you need the closure of seeing her, but don't think you can handle all the family that come with a wake and funeral, contact the funeral home and request one. There may be a fee, but in my case, it would be money well spent.

There are people that were lousy parents because they had lousy parents, or that were so emotionally scarred that they weren't capable of giving. And then there are those that are downright evil. Whatever the case, please don't feel guillty because you needed to put some distance between yourself and a toxic individual. The title of "mother" has never ever been an entitlement to treat another human being badly.

Don't feel that you're the only one that got gyped when they were handing out parents. There are plenty of us out there. Kudos to you for seeing what you're dealing with. It's half the battle.

 

[Let It Be]

I guess it is time to come back here and to tell you the news about my mother’s death.

Here I had ventured out of the house in January, 2010 to walk around the lake as it finally had gotten up to the 40's. I came home to find a message on the answering machine. It was from a couple who used to be very good friends with my mother. He was telling me how sorry he was to hear of my mother's death. That is how I heard the news.

I did call the lady back to talk to her. It seems that my brother-in-law, not my sister, had called my brother to tell him the news. My brother then tried me, and then went ahead and had called this couple.

This couple also learned about the funeral. It was not going to be in the city or at the church where my mother had lived for so many years but it was going to be where she grew up at.

My brother did call me later and we did talk. Both of us didn't plan to attend her funeral especially since my sister did not call us to tell us and that it was such a distance from where both of us live.

The one thing that I did have peace about was that several weeks before her death I had asked my brother to take pictures of her at the nursing home. He did and when I received them, I knew this was the way I was going to say good-bye to her. She had aged so much since I had last seen her and she was now looking like she was 88 years.

I never thought that I would hear the news of my mother's death like I did.
Thanks to Google, I was able to find the obituary for my mother to find out the exact date when she died which was the day before and when the funeral was going to be, etc. With no phone conversations with my sister about any of this, I needed to see it and to read it. I also needed to read what was written about her and to even see my name there.

Still hard to believe that I had to find my mother's obituary on-line to find out when her funeral was going to be. They even included a picture of her which was probably taken back in those days, early 20's or so, before she was married.

Last year I would get on-line to see my mother’s home when it was up for sale, etc. I wish the legal process was over, but it isn’t. I still have had no contact from my sister, but I do get on the computer to check the status of that too. It was the end of June of this year before I received the first correspondence from the attorney.

I’m working to get to that point, where the focus will just be on me! I also have had to do a lot of letting go where my brother is concerned because for the past 6 months his health has not been too good. I went into my panic mode, when I realized my name was on his legal papers, but thank God, that has now been changed.

So thank you all for listening to me about my mother/sister/brother and even at her death, the family dysfunction was still there and it still amazes me what I have survived.