My Mother

[heather q]

I wrote a letter to my mother asking if she knew anything that happened to me as a kid, I read it recently and it wasn't bad. But when my mother received it she flew into a rage and that created a bigger problem for me. I wished I'd thought to not send it at the time. She send it to everyone else in the family and they concluded that we were a very close knit happy family and she had proof because in the pictures I was smiling.

It also separated me from the family even more because I had wanted information but there was no information available to me. I called her once after that and she made some excuse that there was a car in the driveway and she had to go.

I didn't go to the funeral, I got an email from a brother in law to say that she'd died, I think it showed up two days after her death. So I couldn't go to the funeral, I was left out and felt rejected.

I am dealing with the abuse back then, on and off, there is a lot to deal with mum had Munchausens by proxy so that added to it all. I was the fourth girl, gran and mum used to sit around and discuss who should and shouldn't have been born, I always listened to find out where I stood, I was never in the 'should have been born' selection. My first talk to mum about suicide was when I was nine, she rejected me for talking about it, I remember that well, that was when she took away my new shoes. When I got them back they were too small but I still had to wear them.

My brother called and said he was coming to visit, I am a horder and was thinking of the outcome of his visit and thinking how can I fix this mess before he gets here, I didn't answer right away, I took too long thinking and he came up with "Well I can tell you don't want me to... Nobody in the family wants anything to do with you, you're not one of us." He told me not to call again, it was because of the letter years ago, they built a case against me without any input from me. He had said that Mother was the most wonderful woman in the world, apparently he had a different life in the same family.

For me trying to improve the situation had made it worse, I wanted to know that she cared for me, I didn't get that. I got more abuse and more rejection, if I had to do it over I would have let sleeping dogs sleep. I think it's too much for them to dredge up old stuff and there is no need for them to do that, I wanted to find out for me, I didn't have the insight to see mum's perspective on the matter. Her saying, one of her sayings was 'It's all gone and buried.' None of it is buried for me, I still have to deal with it and I don't know what most of it is. This is pretty heavy for this early in the morning.

Take good care of you,
Heather

 

[Marlene]

concluded that we were a very close knit happy family and she had proof because in the pictures I was smiling

Everyone assumed we were such a happy family, too. I'm sure there's lots of pictures with people smiling in my mother's photo albums. A smiling picture doesn't make a happy family.

That one line you wrote brought to mind a picture I took of my mother about 11 years ago. We went to Denver for Christmas and we all had our cameras out taking pictures. I called my mother's name...silly me. She turned and gave me that nasty, ugly look she always gave me when she screeched 'WHAT?!'. It was the exact moment that I snapped the picture.

I look at that picture and am vividly reminded of a whole lot of ugliness of my childhood. For me it is a bit of validation that I didn't imagine the whole thing or make it up.

Lisa

 

[heather q]

Lisa,
I also have had pictures of mum screaming at me, I remember that look so well. After reading your comment I lost the terror from that look, the words are still hanging in a bit too tight but the look isn't so bad. For years I hated the way I look because I look similar to my mother, I just couldn't stand looking in the mirror because of the memories that came up, that is really quite sad.

Right this minute though I have to laugh, it gave me a better perspective of my mother, somehow I can see her as just a grumpy woman and I'm losing that attachment. I think I still had her on a pedestal, despite what she did, it's just occured to me that my mind was still seeing her as I must have when I was an infant, as someone who was there to love, take care of me as though I were precious. I think I was taking the guilt for not being lovable and as long as I kept that thought, then I let her have power over me Somehow in this, I have gained something, I just see her now as nobody special, that she wasn't anything to do with me, it was a phase in my life and that is all. I can let go of the hold she's had on me for so long. I can probably afford to remember more about what happened because the fear is subsiding.

This has been very helpful, thank you,
Heather

 

[Let It Be]

Yesterday, I woke up with the realization that I had shared – I Never had a Mother with someone yesterday. It was like I was supposed to tell her. I have been sharing things along the way with her and she notices how I am healing. She is supportive but of course, you had that gag affect the day after.

So, today, I was busy again going through my house and getting rid of things that I no longer can use. I took a lot of high school books to the recycling place, but yes, definitely, am keeping my recovery books. It just amazes me how the energy comes up and it is time to get the house more organized than it already is.

I think I do this because with no family around, I hate to say this, but I probably do this because what if something would happen to me. I still have work to do on that issue of getting my affairs in order.

Anyway, yesterday there were also people who would ask – how long have you lived here…those questions that people ask to try to get to know you or at least to start that chit-chat going.

With this heavy load now with grieving the loss of my mother and them asking these questions, I was becoming angry. I wanted to tell them I moved here to get away from my mother, and was married to an abusive husband, and on and on and on.

When is it okay to tell the person about me? It’s like I want to not to cover up anymore about myself and the reason why my life is the way it is. I want to have that sense of Self now so I can dream…and this is who I am now…how much do you share with others?

 

[TLight]

For me, I keep it under close wraps. Secondary wounding is a real threat. A majority of people will never truly understand mental illness, especially if it stems from abuse. They don't see it as a brain injury, rather they see it as a character flaw............we get too easily blamed again, even when people have good intentions.

Just my perspective. Even my good friend who knows the stuff I struggle with because of PTSD has the underlying impression that I could just get over it if I was 'strong' enough.

They don't get it and they never will understanding the suffering we have to endure.

Just be careful. You don't have to be ashamed of your illness......you just have to be protective. It sucks....its wrong......this illness is way worse than cancer, etc.......but we sufferers never seem to get the support that others with illness do. Instead, we get condemned and misunderstood.

Its very hurtful in my experience.

 

[Grama-Herc]

I am feeling the need to express my opinion to you about this.

I had some serious issues with my father. I never, ever spoke to him about them since he walked out on us when I was 17 and taking my final exams in high school.
He was a serious cared carrying ass hole and only thought of himself his entire life. I could go on forever about this man, but that is not why I am responding.

I would not ever expect him to apologize, or even respond to any type of confrontation, BUT. I regret that I never told him how he hurt me and damaged me.

When I was in hospital my T. required me to write a letter to my long deceased father and tell him everything I wanted to. I was to express every bit of pain and suffering he caused me. The T> encouraged me to "let go". So I did. Was one hella of a letter.

My regret----not ever telling him this to his face. Wanting no response or reply. Just standing there, looking at him and purging my heart and soul of the pain that
he caused. Give back to him the nastiness and hurt. It was his to own, not mine.

So, I regret nener facing him with the rage I head inside. Funeral, could have cared less and did not go, did not care.

 

[Let It Be]

Yesterday I decided to see what my inner child had to say so I took up a pen in my other hand and today I’m feeling the effects of it. It was so powerful and so heart-wrenching.

I had no idea that the words of – I hate you, I wish you had never been born, I don’t care about you, would be written by my little girl. These words were written over and over.

I then was able to console her and tell her that these words/feelings didn’t come from me, but from the person who gave her birth, my mother, and have been there since that time.

Wonder there has been a wall, but the wall has come down and now these words are being replaced with – I love you…and now we can take care of each other.

I do have a question as when I saw my counselor last, I asked her to describe my mother.

My counselor is the one that finally told me to stop having any contact with her. She said that she was very narcissistic, unable to practice motherly skills, no unconditional love, no nurturing, no teaching, no keys, total focus is on her. My mother just stopped drinking without any treatment.

What is a simple definition of being narcissistic? I have read about it but how would you know a person is one or not?

 

[Spiral]

To: Let it be

What you shared about the relationship with your mother really hit home. I too have hardships with my mother and it pains me to even think of her. I have no degree in psychology but my believes upon my daily frustrations and unneccesary anger stem from that disfunctional relationship. I havent spoken to her in over 4 plus years yet there seems to be no escape from the daily thought of her. I do not blame her for every little thing that goes wrong but when those real dark times come I find myself .... well... becomming all those things I "hated" about her. All the focused negitive energy I have spent on her throughout the years seems to be manifesting itself into me. That quote: "The apple doesnt fall far from the tree" is now constantly reminding me of everlasting ripples we send throughout our time. How does one help when they're stuck in their ways? I apreciate your sharring. Stay strong.

 

[Let It Be]

Well, it has started.

The one thing that I have been thinking about is whether to have any contact with my sister...So, what comes in yesterday's mail, a huge packet of information about a Retirement Facility for our mother.

There is a card in the packet that says - Your sister asked that I send you a copy of our information. Please review. I suggested to your sister that we have a conference call to discuss.

There is also a letter in the packet addressed to my mother about how much they would offer for her house.

I'm trying to breathe.

My sister hasn't called to tell me any of this...so do I just wait for the phone to ring, how involved do I want to be...I just had a feeling...you wouldn't believe all this paperwork I received, and I'm asking myself - do I care, sorry...it just gets me, no prior knowledge...my sister has been in charge of all of this...

I’m thinking don’t I have choices now? Didn’t my sister realize that I haven’t had any contact with my mother for over a year, so why would I want to have a conference call about her? I have even told my sister to take my name off the DPOA. Personally, my mother is now 88 years old, so why would I think that she would now actually move out of her house and leave all her stuff that has been there for years?

Have been trying to take care of me and now this. At least there was no mention of when this conference call is to happen. So, I guess I will have at least one more conversation with my sister to tell her that there is no reason to include me…

 

[Let It Be]

I just called the lady at the Retirement Facility but she didn't answer because it is Sunday, so I had to leave a message.

Yes, that was part of my plan...don't have to talk to the lady and I don't have to talk to my sister...

The lady can just pass the message on to my sister that whatever she wants to do is FINE with me and that I would rather not be involved in a conference call...

Yea...I did it!!!

 

[heather q]

Excellent work!

Heather

 

[pebbels]

Hi Let It Be:hello:

Yeh, you did it...:smile: Congratulations:clap:

Pebs :Hug_emoticon: