My opinion is worth nothing.

[Marvel545]

Making a post about it, makes it real.

I honestly believe that what I say is worthless.

My T seems to think that I didn't have a voice as a kid & addiction problems as an adult confirmed this.

'No matter what I say or do, no-one hears me' is the thought running through my mind.

As a child, this was somewhat true. A lot was going on.

Has anyone dealt with this?

 

[ladee]

Yes!! I have been at this healing thing for a very long time. And to this day, I will get upset from 'not being heard'. Granted, I have many skills now to make sure I am heard, or to remove myself from situations and people who don't listen. But I totally relate to this.

I don't know what can be more invalidating that to not be heard. I feel and know, as a child, the only time I seemed to be heard, was when I told the truth about something, and upset the family dynamics and hence grew up to be the star scapegoat. And that is just as invalidating as not being heard in the first place.

I wish neither of us understood what this feels like, but we are both heard here!!!! Thank you for sharing this!!!

 

[Marvel545]

I have many skills now to make sure I am heard, or to remove myself from situations and people who don't listen.

If you don't mind me asking, what are the skills?

I feel and know, as a child, the only time I seemed to be heard, was when I told the truth about something, and upset the family dynamics and hence grew up to be the star scapegoat

I can totally relate to this. I spoke up once, about my Uncles rudeness & the family just fell apart. Felt like it was my fault.

 

[Friday]

Do you value your own opinion?

 

[Marvel545]

@Friday Thats actually a really good question - I don't know.

I don't think I do. I don't think it matters what I think.

Sorry, I know it's a poor response.

 

[Friday]

@Friday
Sorry, I know it's a poor response.

Nope. The exact opposite. It’s the perfect place to start :)

 

[Marvel545]

My family deal in absolutes. You’re smart or not smart. You have problems or you don’t. An addiction or a problem is a condemnation. Kids don’t have voices. I’m a problem therefore I have no voice.

Want an apology from them? Think again.

I was driving my Dad around yesterday & I wanted to talk about current affairs. He literally fell asleep, that’s rude as hell.

I guess the point I’m making is that their rudeness is on them, not me.

 

[ladee]

It was a lot of what Friday said, learning to value my own voice.

I had to learn to be around people who DID hear me. I feel my first T was the 'teacher' for being heard.

I tried to be around people who did listen. Who I had things in common with. I had to accept that my family would never change, and that they did not define me as a person, with a voice, opinions, wants and needs.

I learned to trust myself and my own voice. I eventually went no contact with all of them except for two nephews. It took time for me to do that, but I did it.

I also let go of a 40+ year friendship, because the dynamics had changed, and I wasn't heard, or when I was heard, it was given back as criticism, negativity, ect. By then, I was very confident about my voice.

Hope this vague answer helps somewhat to help you honor your own voice!!!

 

[Marvel545]

Thankyou for the response @ladee its really helpful.

The not being able to change family keeps on coming up for me & I guess the defining thing would apply as well.

I guess I have to build confidence in my own voice.

 

[Lionheart]

Hi @Marvel545 ,

I just wanted you to know that I am hearing what you say and I value your opinion, it is just as important as anyone else's opinion!!! I am sorry that you have not been heard in the past, that can really hurt! I believe you will find your voice and it will become strong and then you will be heard by all and if you are not, you'll be able to ignore them or kick them to the curb.

 

[Rani G2]

Has anyone dealt with this?

@Marvel545
Think I understand... to compensate I have to rise high... meaning I must feel "special"most of the time. I have a tendency to be arrogant due to fear.. If I have an opinion I tend to look someone in the eye also to make sure that I mean what I say. I also feel the need to put others down.. not because I want to hurt because I want to be the greatest. I know this sounds stupid... but I have an inferiority complex. Working on it...

 

[Marvel545]

I think this ties into one of the traumas, the longest spanning one. My Dad got into an abusive relationship, when I was 12. He would come to me for advice & my thoughts, because I saw a lot of the abuse & knew everything about the relationship. I would give him advice & he would pretty much just ignore it. I feared that I was going to die on countless occasions when my Dad was in that relationship. I felt responsible for that, because I couldn't get my Dad to see that it was wrong what was going on. It was my job to do that & I failed. My life was in danger because of it. Add in suppression & addiction & judgement & I can see why I believe that my opinion is worthless.

I've been told several times that its not a fair position for a kid to be in. I kind of revelled in it, because it was attention from my Dad. Leaving me feeling terribly guilty.