Crazy Aardvark
New Here
I recently reawakened to the extent of my childhood abuse and neglect by my parents. I realized that I have significant dissociation, but I'm not sure how many different "parts" of me there are (been doing IFS therapy, but I think I have DID or OSDD). Tonight I realized that I have at least one part that is my mother - where I act and view the world through her eyes. I've been making huge progress in identifying her behavior as abusive and distancing myself from other core beliefs, but the devastating blow tonight was that I've sought out and implemented almost all of my new coping mechanisms through the lens of my mother. I've been trying to heal myself as my mother would have. And it repulsed and frightened me into a huge upset. I have no framework anymore, not even the tentative one I have been building for months. There is nothing in my head not tainted by her or my father - who represents another huge part that also tries to "heal" me using his methods. I know this is common and to be expected, but I wasn't aware of just how much of my recent behavior I saw as healing and healthy was just my parents yet again trying to control my life from within myself.
I don't know where to go from here. I'm afraid that any new belief system I try to adopt will be tainted by them. I cannot escape them. Worst yet - I've been trying to "heal" my parts using IFS, which involves identifying with them and trying to see the world through their eyes. Which just brings me back to my parents. I have no identity. There is no part that is me. I hate everything about myself because it all reminds me of them. I am still the fawning victim under their control.
I don't know where to go from here. I'm afraid that any new belief system I try to adopt will be tainted by them. I cannot escape them. Worst yet - I've been trying to "heal" my parts using IFS, which involves identifying with them and trying to see the world through their eyes. Which just brings me back to my parents. I have no identity. There is no part that is me. I hate everything about myself because it all reminds me of them. I am still the fawning victim under their control.