Relationship My Partner Has Ptsd: Need Advice (please I Feel So Alone)

[Chantelle]

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now, we live together and have an up and down relationship. His PTSD was caused by repeated sexual abuse when he was younger.

The problem I'm facing, I should say we're facing, is that our sex life is non existant lately which has caused a hell of a distance between us. I understand that this is to be expected however, he refuses to get any help and this is what really bothers me. He has had help in the past (before we were together) which is his main reason for avoiding it these days; his psychologist told him that there's no cure for PTSD and that she gave up trying to delve deep because she couldnt get through to him. He says that he's scared to talk about it, or anything to do with it, because he's scared of what's in his mind.

On the outside, you wouldn't believe he's been through this. He's a lovely and understanding guy, very confident and is pursuing an ambitious career path :). Behind closed doors he's like my best friend, the problem is that I want him to be my boyfriend.

What I don't understand is how, before we started dating, he had several one night stands, a f*ck buddy and the relationship before me involved several threesums and by the sounds of it a pretty exciting sex life (I asked to see if he avoided sex in past relationships as much as he does with me). This is a reason why I feel that maybe its more than the PTSD (my head is a mess). Also, we broke up for 6 months last year and he slept with 10 different people.

We do have pretty good communication as I've brought all of this up (at the right time to avoid triggers) and he says the one night stands were just because he was drunk which weirdly made me feel a bit better about it. However, as mentioned before, since moving in together our sex life has become almost non existant. This is strange to me because since we got back together (1 year ago) we have lived either in staff accommodation or with his mum (sex life killers). We were both excited to have our own space to have sex comfortably but it's worse! To make things even worse he's going away for 6 months (returning now and again) to do a course 6 hours away in 1 month :(

I know I'm babbling, but I've kept this all inside since the beginning of our relationship to protect him. Bare with me.

I'm stuck. I feel selfish even writing this.

The constant rejection kills me. I'll spend hours getting ready sometimes - no compliments. I'll buy sexy underwear, gets used once in what feels like a pity f*ck and he normally can't finish, I've bought sex toys, no luck, I've tried talking dirty - no luck, I've tried not mentioning sex at all for 2 weeks, some luck if he's drunk (that sounds terrible I know but please understand) I've tried candles, spent hours deep cleaning the house but making sure to avoid the chemical smell incase it triggers his PTSD. You get the point.

I want to feel wanted but that hasn't happened since the first month we got back together. I know he loves me, I know the guy I first fell for is in there and I know he's struggling inside Alot more than I am right now but Im tired of crying myself to sleep most nights because I'm losing my partner.

I need to hear that someone understands in some way or another. I've never felt so alone in all my life, so powerless, so ugly, so defeated and unworthy.

If I told him all of this, how its making me feel he would get angry - tired it once, never again.

I don't want to cause him pain, I want to help him as well as myself because I know him inside out and I know that when he rejects me, when he ignores me, when he acts distant he is reminded of why he does it. I don't want him to be there.

We have had arguments in the past which have triggered flashbacks through stress. Even if he has said some horrible things I will comfort him until he's out of it and help distract him for a little bit. If I'm being honest, it's exhausting. I always have to be on high alert for everything I say and do incase I trigger something but im getting good at it now. It's exhausting also because we can be in mid argument and it will happen and afterwards I wont get a sorry, he will completely reject talking about any issues and nothing will be resolved.

I am thinking of bringing up the topic of couple counselling (it's all I can think to do) but I know what the answer will be. It's worth a shot?

Please educate me more. I have read article after article, wikipedia, NHS stuff on PTSD but I feel like the only real advice can come from someone with personal experience.

These are the questions I would like you to answer (feel free to add your own things or ignore these completely)

1. In what ways can you relate to my experience?

2. If you have experience, what was couple counselling like?

3. Would it be selfish to suggest couple counselling?

4. Can you suggest any methods to get our sex life back on track, or the emotional side back?

5. Is being distant and ignorant (don't mean to offend im not good with words) part of PTSD?

6. What would you do in my shoes?

7. How is your day going?

 

[Beautifulmess]

Hi Chantelle,

You are not alone! The other people on this site have helped me feel like I'm not alone. I hope that we can do the same for you.

1. I can relate to being shut out and to having sex come and go in our relationship.

2. I have had only really positive experiences with couples counseling. If your boyfriend is willing, counseling can be a really great experience to hear each other and rebuild intimacy.

3. I recommend couples counseling for all couples. Having a safe place to work on making communication better is not selfish. It might be what helps with stronger connection and keeping your relationship going.

4. Sex is such a symptom of what is going on in the relationship. Personally, I think getting counseling together and separately is your best bet for sex and intimacy.

5. In my experience being distant is a huge part of PTSD. My husband cycles through periods where he is really distant and emotionally cut off. It is hard to not take it personally, but I try to remind myself that it isn't him it is a result of being stuck in fight or flight.

6. I would get counseling. Alone and together. And take care of yourself. Supporting someone with PTSD is tough!

7. I'm having a tough day. Thanks for asking.

Your boyfriend is lucky to have someone who cares so much. Hang in there. You are not alone!

 

[Dominik24]

Oh god, your post really hits near home for me, thanks for posting it @Chantelle :)

I'm the boyfriend of my girlfriend who also suffered childhood abuse. When we first met there was this huge attraction and we had a lot of intimacy, not just sex, but cuddling, hugging, kissing and everything. When we met she was pretty good physical health wise, but after about 1,5 months she started to have a lot of pains (back pain, stomach pain, etc.) and due to all this stress she became emotionally numb. Since that not just our sex life, but also our intimacy is pretty much non existent, and yes it can kill all our self esteem and self worth, no matter if you know it's not because of you, it's hard to control your emotions in such a situation and not take it personally.

The problem I'm facing, I should say we're facing, is that our sex life is non existant lately which has caused a hell of a distance between us.

I definitely feel that distance thing.

I think it's not just the lack of sex that creates this feeling of distance, it's the lack of affection, of her wanting to touch me in non-sexual ways (hugging, etc.) Sometimes it feels like we are miles apart, even if she lays next to me in bed...

Behind closed doors he's like my best friend, the problem is that I want him to be my boyfriend.

Yes! You put it into great words. Everything is great, we are laughing our asses of together, we talk about everything or just lay in bed watching Netflix, we are with our friends/family and have a great time.. The only thing missing is all that affection that shows you she's attracted to you and loves you.

I know it's still there, or at least I hope, but the lack of seeing AND FEELING it is what drives me crazy on most days.

I know that she's my girlfriend, but I want to feel like her boyfriend that she loves and is attracted to, not just know it logically.

I'm stuck. I feel selfish even writing this.

No, you are not selfish for writing or feeling this. I feel selfish so many of the times that I lay in bed crying about that lack of affection, because I know that she's suffering and has bigger problems than showing me love. But at the same time, your feelings matter too and even if you may hide it from him to not cause him even more stress, it's probably good to understand that you are not selfish for experiencing those emotions.

I need to hear that someone understands in some way or another. I've never felt so alone in all my life, so powerless, so ugly, so defeated and unworthy.

I understand you. I had some shit happen in my life, but seriously this right now is probably the toughes phase in my life yet.

Remembering how your partner looked at you in the beginning and talked to you and just how she/he showed affection, and then knowing how it's currently just hurts so deeply. No matter that you're looks probably didn't change too much since you first met, you suddenly begin to doubt if your partner's still attracted to you, you start asking yourself what you did wrong, if you may have changed so he/she doesn't see the same person in you, they saw in the beginning.

And all those worries and doubts in your head feel like the whole world is resting on your shoulders and you have no explanation for everything, you just don't know what's going on in your partner's head and how she/he is feeling, about you, the relationship and everything.

You can just hope.

Hope that she/he still sees the person in you they saw when the fell in love with you. When they wanted to kiss you and be near you every second possible.

These are the questions I would like you to answer (feel free to add your own things or ignore these completely)

1. see above
2. and 3. have no experience with couple counseling
4. still struggling with this myself, I'm just letting her come to me when she's ready for it and feels like it. I hit the gym to get in better form and help myself to not feel like it has to do with me.
5. I read a lot about PTSD and from what I read so far, it seems to be yes.
6. that's a tough question, take care of yourself, so you don't feel like it is because of you, because it most likely isn't.
7. good question, my moods change pretty often lately, one hour I'm feeling good and that everything will be as great as it used to be as soon as my girlfriend feels better health wise, and the next hour I'd like to cry because I'm thinking about how it used to be and I wonder when it will be like this again. Going kinda crazy inside sometimes.

I wish you the best! :)