Relationship My Partner Left Me Two Days Ago. He Has PTSD

[Charlottexxx0]

Please advice me what to do. I am so confused.

My partner of three years is a lorry driver and a year ago a car went into him and the driver died. It was in no way his fault.

It is only now that I have found that this is the reason why he has changed over the last year when he admitted that he was getting flashbacks. I tried to make him see the doctor but he wouldn't. Two days later I went to college and when I returned he had gone.

I have had a text from him saying that he does love me and is crying all the time but he doesn't trust his decisions at the moment and the world is no longer round. A mutual friend has told me that he has now gone to the doctor and been diagnosed with PTSD.

I don't know what to do to help him. Am I best to leave him alone and wait to see if he contacts me? Am I just hoping that he will come back to me? It hurts that he wouldn't let me help him and I would have been there and supported him all the way. Please advice me what to do.

 

[cherryblossom]

Hi Charlotte,

Welcome to the forum. From what you have written I assume you are 'new' to PTSD. If that is the case, then I suggest that you read all you can from the [DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/content/1-home"]'articles'[/DLMURL] section. Also, when you have full access, head over to the 'Carers section', where other carers of PTSD sufferers will be able to guide you.

I commend you for seeking support about PTSD quickly. Personally, I would let him know that you have heard he has been diagnosed with PTSD, and that you will be there for him. I say that, because I hate people talking about me behind my back - I'd rather people were up-front. Then wait to see if he asks for your help or not. Us 'sufferers' tend to shut down and push people away, as a way of coping. Hard to deal with as a carer. If he accepts your help, then you will need to start laying down boundaries, which will help you both to deal with the future together.

Regards,
Cherryblossom

 

[Charlottexxx0]

Thank you for your advice. I am definately going to go and look at the articles to learn as much as I can to help him. It is just so hard, especially as he is now 200 miles away with his mum and dad. Hard to understand why he could turn to them but not me. I have not heard from him at all today but I am going to text him tomorrow to tell him that I know and am here if he wants me. It's hard as well because I am now going to have to give up college because I can get no financial help if I carry on with my course. I am still going to lose my home as well but how can I tell him all this?? It is so hard to understand. Am I kidding myself that he will come back to me??

 

[Jawn]

Please read the articles about PTSD and especially the ones about Carers. I think you will find it helpful. Also, when you get full access to the forum check out the posts in the Carers section. You will find lots of good information and support here.

My advice is to let him know you are there for him, but don't push him right now. Let him come to terms with his diagnosis and to start getting help.

Hang in there,

Jawn

 

[Nishkaa]

Hi Charlotte,

I'm sorry for what you are going through, that's quite an abrupt, about-face/180 degrees shift. That must be hard on you :(

It's true also and I relate as a PTSD sufferer that I need to withdraw too at times and sometimes intimacy is difficult for me because of particular traumas around that. I'm glad that your partner has sought out some help for PTSD.

The hard thing to square with is that we don't actually have control over the choices others make. It's good to keep the lines of communication open, as Cherryblossom has suggested, letting him know you are aware of PTSD. We can support if that's wanted, and we can also step back if that is supportive as well?

I can see this is heavy loses for you on a few levels, not only a significant relationship, but also financially, including the college and housing. It kind of puts a wrench into things, doesn't it? :(

Do you have any family that can help you with this? As a woman, I always try to aim for financial independence wherever possible and as a woman and PTSD sufferer. It sucks to have to be in a position to cut one's loses.

I'm not sure what to say. If your partner is experiencing a current crisis, which it sounds to me like he is, his hands might be full taking care of his own needs.

So, I'm not sure if you can count on financial support from your partner? It might be good to try to look at other options to help float you by as this might help you feel more empowered and less reliant on a person who might not be able to give his all to you at the moment.

Perhaps there is a way to rent out a room to someone to make up for loss in income? My neighbours do this-- they get really quite serious students, MA or PhD, some from China even, who've been really respectful, non-obtrusive and trustworthy.

It sounds like you will need to come up with some contingency planning? Sometimes a crisis like this, can promote some very creative thinking and trouble-shooting to help remedy the financial crisis brought on by this.

I hope this is not too pessimistic. I think you could ask for clarity from your partner, but try to separate yourself from the results. I don't think it would be healthy to guilt him out or add on further responsibilities on him when he may have his hands full with handling himself and PTSD. You'll feel better if you have some back-up plans in place. Would you be open to this as well? Do you have any thoughts and feelings on that?

It's a lot of work, some PTSD sufferers go through a really hard time particularly in the earlier stages, recent diagnosis, recent crisis, including things like just trying to stay alive, because it can be really that overwhelming that it's a fight for one's own life.

Of course partners are very much affected by the PTSD of a significant other and it's apparent this is causing a necessity for a lot of shifting on your part to also cope with the crisis and financial losses.

We're here to support and recognize that you too are hurt here and need support. Would you also be able to get access to some counselling to help you through this, this is quite a dramatic life event for you as well and I feel you deserve as much support as you can get, here included.

There's a "carer section" here as well, you might want to read through some of those, maybe something helpful is there-- I think you also fit this category of "carer". Good healthy relationship boundaries are important.

I feel bad for what you are going through, this must be really rough :(

Please Take Care and let us know how you are doing with all of this. It's a hard time, many challenges, you don't need to be alone with all of this.

Take Care,
~Nishkaa

 

[Charlottexxx0]

Thank you so much for your reply Nishkaa. It really helps to know that I am not alone. I am going to try and sort out some way forward with the financial problems tomorrow and leave my partner alone. It is just so hard to suddenly have no-one to turn to. My family are great but just don't understand. I am just struggling to not text him but I know that I must leave him alone and let him come to me. It just petrifies me that he will not want me any more and we will lose our relationship. I just want him home to look after him and it not be his mum and dad doing it.

 

[Charlottexxx0]

Got that horrible, panicky feeling in my stomach. Ohhhh, hope I have done the right thing.Not heard anything form him in two days so I've wrote a letter to my partner telling him that I love him, will support him if he lets me but that I have got to know if he wants me. Panicking now that I have pushed him to make a decision. This is so hard to know what to do for the best.

 

[ISupportHer]

I felt it important just to acknowlege you and your situation even though I don't have the opportunity to respond in any detail at the moment.

Here is one of my "random acts of hugging"

:Hug_emoticon:

Just wanted to know you are heard.

ISH

 

[amethist]

Hi Charlotte

It is hard to know what to do for the best sometimes. Writing that letter to him is probably the best way you could respond to him not contacting you, letting him know that you will be there for him when HE is ready to contact you again.

All you can do now, hard as this is, IS to just wait. but while you are waiting, find yourself some support, from someone who will not lecture or tell you what you should do, just to support you through all of this.

Take extra special care of yourself, you are important.

Amethist

 

[Charlottexxx0]

Thank you so so much for the hug. It really cheered me up :-) I am now coming to terms with having to wait. The letter worked !!!! I had a response by text to it. Progress :-) It seems that I am now getting the odd text every few days :-) He still won't talk to me on the phone but the texts will do :-)

 

[Sayling]

I am feeling the exact same way right now. And was just recently left by my boyfriend who just got diagnosed with PTSD and I think this is the first time he's really struggling and he doesn't want me to be effected by his pain. It is the most difficult time in my life and I think that joining this community of support was the best thing I could have done during this time. While I feel like I am not supporting him like I would like to, being here eases some of my sadness.

Reading your threads and other's responses has really given me some hope.

Thanks Charlotte and Nishkaa

 

[Spring]

Hi Charlotte,

I'm new to the site. I just came across your post and I can understand what you went through. I'm goin' through somethin' very similar. I know that it's been a while since you've posted this - I hope that everything worked out.